Holiday Time!

Sorry for being MIA lately. It's been a few months of highs and lows at Tara. We moved into a new house (yay!), Jade and Gabby are doing well even though Jade is in her last year of elementary school (YIKES!), I finally finished graduate school (YAY YAY YAY!), and all in all, it's been happy chaos. We did however lose a family member over the summer, and of course even though Becca is now 18, she is still in the throes of PAS. Every year, all I can do is continue to pray and hope she will eventually come around.

Thankfully, this holiday season doesn't bring forth any blended family drama. My biggest upset is that we will not be going home to our Southern roots for Christmas due to me and Ashley's work schedules. But I well remember the holiday uproar, the even-wackier-than-usual visitation schedules, the fact that holidays do not always bring out the best in people.

I know it's hard, and I don't mean to sound trite. Sometimes the best you can do is disengage during the holiday season, and be thankful for what is and try to ignore what is not even though it should be. I found the less I involved myself with Ashley and Becca's mom's disagreements at this time of year, the less worked up I got and the happier I was. Happy wife, happy life, right? If you refuse to engage, she can't win. Don't get involved in a text argument. If the visitation plan falls through because your husband waited until the last minute to make arrangements, let it be. If the kids won't shut up about "Mom this" and "Mom that," I found a nonchalant, "Oh mmhmm? That's nice. Did you know cats are night vision?" always worked wonders. It sounds overly simple, doesn't it? But if you don't rent out space in your head, it's a lot easier to get through this emotionally charged season.

Oh, and whenever possible, try to work with your husband to create your own family traditions. If he doesn't see the need for this, continue poking and prodding until he gets it. It's OK for you to do things differently at your house than what the kids do at Mom's - in fact, it's healthy and normal. I think it's great for kids to be exposed to different traditions and ideas. If your husband doesn't encourage your role as Lady of the House.....well, that might need to be a topic for another post.

Wishing you and yours a most wonderful Thanksgiving, and to my Jewish friends, a joyous Hanukkah!

The Hot Mess Express

I have to admit that it's difficult, to say the least, for me to cut Jade and Gabby's bio-mom any slack. I'm a Christian woman, and my own mother often tells me I should love her for the sake of the girls, or that I should feel sorry for her because addiction is a terrible thing.

Addiction is a terrible thing. I'm certainly not trying to minimize the mental illness that it is. But Maggie, their bio-mom, goes so far beyond simple addiction. A pathological liar, a narcissist, a complete and total Hot Mess as I like to call it.

Her latest cry for attention is her incessant posting on Facebook, and she loves to act like Mother of the Year, in between her posts filled with profanity where she likes to go on about very motherly, mature things like sleeping around and dirty lingerie. Not to be outdone, she sprinkles those posts with how much she loves Jesus and how He has saved her life.

Basically, I would say she's an overgrown teenager, but I know teenagers that are better behaved than her.

I think my favorite recently was her post about how she's not just a mother, but a chauffeur, an alarm clock, a waitress, a referee, etc. She hasn't seen her children in almost nine years now, but yet she reposts a picture saying "Like if you will ALWAYS be there for your kids!" I often wonder just how far detached from reality she really is.

Don't worry, Maggie - you enjoy your Facebook time while I do the actual parenting. I've got it all taken care of.

Happy Stepmother's Day!

Today is Stepmother's Day, a legally recognized holiday established in 2000 when a young girl requested for a special day for stepmothers around the United States. This holiday is always celebrated the Sunday after Mother's Day.

While I think it is extremely important for stepmothers to be recognized for the tremendous sacrifices they make and the love they bestow upon children they didn't give birth to, I always have mixed feelings about Stepmother's Day. To me, if stepmothers were truly honored and revered in society, there would be no need for a separate day - stepmothers could be honored alongside mothers on Mother's Day. But, I know every family and their preferences are different. I wouldn't want dear Ashley to honor me on Stepmother's Day with the younger belles because I'm not really their stepmother anymore. I mean, technically I am, but I have been raising them for so long, it seems silly to still refer to myself as their stepmother unless it's important for legal purposes. Most people in our daily lives now aren't even aware that I'm their stepmother.

However, I am still a stepmother to Oldest Belle. And in that spirit, I think it's important to address today why I'm not an active stepparent anymore to her.

Once upon a time, Oldest Belle's mother followed the visitation plan pretty well. We had Oldest Belle in our home every other weekend, some holidays and for the summer. Things were never perfect between her mother and Ashley, but it seemed that the tense years after their split had finally died down. Oldest Belle's mom was never too happy with my role in her life. Actually, if you had asked her, she would say I never had a role at all. She preferred to think of me and Ashley as glorified babysitters rather than active parents. The problem was the closer that Oldest Belle and I got, the harder her mom would make our relationship. Never mind that I had zero interest in replacing her, but I was a Capital T Threat.

The change was noticeable. Oldest Belle started backtalking me more. She began being outright rude to my family at various family functions, people who had loved her and embraced her as another family member without question. When Ashley sat Oldest Belle down to talk to her about her unacceptable behavior and told her she was not going to disrespect me - her stepmother who loved her dearly - she replied that "Southern Step/Mom isn't my stepmother!" as we weren't married at that time. This coming from a child who had been calling me her stepmother for years at this point. It was then that I realized that there was a lot of bashing of me and Ashley going on at her mother's house, more than we had previously realized.

Shortly after this, we found out that Oldest Belle's mother had been plotting to bring Ashley back to court again, for the umpteenth time over 11 years by then. She also had convinced Oldest Belle that she should testify against Ashley in court, fabricating whatever necessary in order to prove her loyalty to her mother. Ashley and her mother did go back to court over Oldest Belle one last time, and the judge refused to change anything in regards to custody. Oldest Belle's mother made it clear to Ashley then that she would not cooperate with visitation any longer, and Ashley had already brought her back to court several times by then to charge her with contempt for violating the parenting plan, only for the judges to do nothing. Her punishments were nothing more than a "slap on the wrist," a "Don't do it again" warning.

So at that point, what do you do? Most people say to continue fighting, to not give up. But what damage does that continue to do to the child when there's a parent who is unrelenting in her quest to destroy the relationship between the other parent and the child? Do you continue bringing the other parent to court, giving her more ammunition against you? Or do you back off and hope that when the child gets older, they'll understand that you backed off in hopes that the other parent would stop psychologically abusing them for simply loving you?

For more information about Parental Alienation Sydrome, here is a great introductory article. (http://fact.on.ca/Info/pas/walsh99.htm)
"Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood...It is our feeling that when attempted PAS has been identified, successful or not, it must be dealt with swiftly by the court. If it is not, it will contaminate and quietly control all other parenting issues and then lead only to unhappiness, frustration, and, lastly, parental estrangement."

Gabrielle Giffords and an inspiring, positive Step/Mom story

It's not often that I stumble across stepmother stories that are not only realistic but actually celebrate a step/mother's contribution to her family, so you can imagine my delight when I read this story about U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and her own Southern Belles-in-Training.

You're likely familiar with Rep. Giffords from the horrific shooting she survived in January, but you maybe were not aware that she is also a childless stepmom.  Becoming a step/mom to two teenage girls is not for the faint of heart, so this factoid about Giffords only made me like her more.  Colleen Curry of ABC News explored this stepmother/stepdaughter relationship in her recent story about Giffords and her stepdaughters.

The story is heartwarming and deserves a thorough reading, but my favorite part is this mature insight from Giffords' older stepdaughter, Claudia:

"'I took Gabby for granted for so long, and I'm lucky I got a second chance to build a relationship with her,' Claudia said.  She encouraged her friends to repair relationships with their own parents and stepparents."
     -Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords' Shooting Closed Gulf Between Her and Stepdaughters

Most step/mothers, like Giffords, just wanted to be an accepted and cherished member of their family.  I think especially for childless step/mothers there is a strong desire to be an important female role model for our stepchildren.  Again, this does not mean we want to replace the bio-mom or overstep our boundaries, but we do love our husbands or partners and therefore we willingly invest a lot of time and love in our relationship in his children.

No one wants to feel insignificant or unwelcome, particularly in their own home.  Why, then, is it OK for step/mothers to be the marginalized member of the family, and oftentimes despite their reduced status in their home they are still expected to give 110% of themselves to the family?  The fact is - it's not OK.  Step/mothers deserve much more respect in their families and in society than they are often given.  Unfortunately, it took Giffords' stepdaughters almost losing her to understand her value to their lives and their family.

Fortunately, as Claudia said, they have a second chance.  I hope stories like Giffords' help put a more empathetic and human face on stepmothering than the Disney tales we have grown accustomed to.

Friends? Frienemies? The never-ending "How do I deal with that woman?" saga.

So, just so we're clear here, I've never had to do this dance with the younger belles' bio-mom as she was MIA way before I came along.  You know...the dance where you're not quite sure what your status is with the bio-mom of your stepkidlets.  This gets even more complicated when you're still dating and not "officially" a step/mother yet.

When I began dating my dear Ashley over 4 and a half years ago (yes, it really has been that long!), I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed about the whole "other mother" scenario.  I was a stepdaughter briefly during my childhood, but this was my first time on the other side of the fence, so to speak.  I hadn't read any books yet, hadn't found any support groups, didn't have any friends who were step/mothers - I was just head over heels for this guy who happened to have 3 kids already.  Oldest belle's bio-mom and my Ashley had broken up over 10 years before I came along, so I assumed the whole custody arrangement was a well-oiled machine by the time he and I started dating.

Well, you know what they say about assuming.......

The first time I met her bio-mom (we'll call her BM for short), I don't remember there being any grand introduction or her saying...well, anything to me really.  Which would turn out to be par for the course for the years to come.  But even after that first meeting, I didn't give too much thought to her until our relationship grew serious.

I have the benefit of years of removal from the situation, general wisdom I've gathered along the way and enough  moral backbone to be able to laugh now about "the BM years" as I've dubbed them.  But there were plenty of times during those years when I was assuredly not laughing about any of it.  Now?  I pretty much just roll my eyes and giggle.  But it took a lot to get to that point of peace in my life.

Throughout the years, I've seen step/mom after step/mom pull her hair out and fret over what to do about the bio-mom (or bio-moms in some of our cases).  I find this is a monumental difference between stepmothers and stepfathers.  Men simply don't let stuff like this get to them.  And when they do, they normally just beat each other up and then get over it.  Women sit there and worry about, "Should I reach out to her?"  "Do you think I should try to be friends with her?"  and so on.

First of all, let me just say I hate the terms "co-wives" and "co-mamas."  First of all, the only "co-wives" I know of are the Sister Wives.  Great show, but not a realistic approach to getting along with the bio-mom.  I'm not sharing my husband with you; this marriage has plenty enough people in it with the two of us.  No need for you to get involved, dear bio-mom.  While I think the "co-mama" approach is a noble one, let's face it - how many bio-moms wholeheartedly embrace the "co-mama" approach?  Yeah, that's what I thought.  It's a good theory, but in practice?   Unless the stepmom is OK with being a doormat, it usually doesn't work very well.

So, back to Year 1.  I didn't want to be friends with the woman, but considering I was planning on marrying her daughter's father and I was caring for her child every other weekend, every summer and every other holiday, I felt it was a pretty reasonable expectation that we could at least be friendly and civil with each other.  I really cared for Oldest Belle and willingly spent time and money on her.  I didn't want to be her mom, but I did want to be a good, nurturing role model that she could feel comfortable around.  Oldest Belle and I also got along pretty well, so I thought it wasn't too much to hope that BM and I could get along for her sake.  Right?

Well, let's just say BM did not take too kindly toward another woman being in the picture.  She was thoroughly enjoying being Main Mama in the parenting triangle she had set up between herself, her husband and Ashley, and there was no room for one more.  There weren't many times that she was outright rude toward me (although the times she was were quite memorable); her MO was to just outright ignore me.  The attempts I did make toward being friendly were completely ignored, so finally I just shrugged my shoulders and blew it off.

I know many women think it's best for the kids to be friends with the bio-mom.  I think if you can genuinely achieve that, then that's wonderful.  Unfortunately, that tends to almost never be the case.  Many times women think if they follow along with what the bio-mom wants, such as shared family dinners (sometimes without the stepmom!) and other attempts at creating a "one big happy family," then the bio-mom will eventually accept her.  Again, this normally causes more problems than solutions.

There's nothing wrong with being civil.  By all means do I not condone snarky comments in front of the stepkids or acting like a crazy banshee toward the bio-mom.  The cold hard truth is you will have to deal with her until your stepkids are 18.  But - do not be surprised if she views you as Public Enemy #1.  This does not mean you are not a good person or a good stepparent.  I had given BM no reason to dislike me.  I perhaps didn't care for her personally, nor would she have been a person I would have chosen to associate with, but I tried to see the good in her and I always gave her the respect I felt she was due because she was Oldest Belle's mother.  I also made sure to never speak ill of her in front of Oldest Belle, and I even would correct Oldest Belle when she would begin to badmouth BM in front of me.  No disrespecting mamas in my house!

Essentially, I refused to bring myself to her level.  If she wanted to ignore me, fine - I wasn't going to force her to acknowledge me.  But, I also demanded respect for myself.  I didn't tolerate her bashing me or Ashley in my presence.  I didn't stay away from exchanges or from Oldest Belle's events because I thought it might make BM uncomfortable.  I was always very pleasant with her husband, because he was always very pleasant with me.

As stepkids grow older, they often see everyone's true colors (that's my hope at least!).  Oftentimes if the bio-mom starts out not accepting you and your very valid role in her child's life, she likely never will.  That doesn't mean you have to treat yourself like a second-class citizen.  Being the bigger person can be difficult - trust me, I would know! - but often with a bio-mom like that, she wants to see that she's getting to you.  Just don't let her.  Once I stopped caring about what BM thought of me, it transformed my view of myself as a stepparent and my relationship with Ashley for the better.

Sometimes, you can't rely on finding peace in other people - you have to create it for yourself.

Can parents and stepparents be friends to their kids?

I read a really insightful opinion piece on CNN.com today that made me want to stand up and cheer.  Columnist LZ Granderson talks about the....interesting way most kids dress nowadays and why parents need to be parents.

Parents, don't dress your girls like tramps

The column is blunt to be sure, but raised some very good points.  Yes, retailers are making clothes dressed more and more trashy for kids to wear, but these clothes wouldn't be selling if parents weren't buying them for their kids.  My middle belle-in-training sometimes gets mad at me because she doesn't think her clothes are "trendy" enough, but darn it, she's a kid and I refuse to dress her like anything other than a kid!

Incidentally enough, I was listening to Steve Harvey's morning show as I was driving to work today when Steve and Shirley were reading a listener's letter asking for advice about her daughter.  Steve said, and I'm paraphrasing here, "Parents need to be parents.  I tell my kids, 'I am not your friend.  We can do friendly things, we can have fun together, but I am your parent, not your friend.'"


Now, you may be asking me, "Southern Step/Mom, why are you bringing this up on your stepparenting blog?"  Well, that's an excellent question!  Just from my observations, I've noticed divorced parents do this often with their kids because they are so afraid their child is so emotionally damaged from the divorce or breakup, or because they want to be the "cool parent" that their child chooses as the winner in this war that they neglect to actually parent the kid.

Of course, intact nuclear families do this too, and there are many single parents who don't - my mom included who was very strict with me (thanks, Mom!).  But, it seems that you notice the worst in parenting skills when you're in a step situation.

This always has and always will be one of my biggest pet peeves with my oldest belle-in-training's mother.  From age 12, OB (oldest belle-in-training) would show up to exchanges in short shorts and makeup.  The hemlines grew shorter and the makeup caked on further through the years.  It got to the point where I would cringe as soon as she'd get out the car, waiting to see how much older she would look this time.  My Ashley and I were united on this front, and we would make her change and wash her face when she got to our house, but when you're noncustodial, your influence can only go so far.  You have to pray that what you are doing and showing them those 4 days out of the month might make at least a small impact on this impressionable child you are in charge of.

This is why I don't advocate stepparents being "like a friend rather than a parent" to their stepchildren.  No one should cross discipline boundaries of course, but you are still an adult.  When you live together or are married to the child's parent, you are still an adult in charge in that household.  How are you going to earn that child's respect if you treat them as you would a friend?  What kind of example are you setting?

Maybe refusing to let my 8 year old middle belle (MB) wear skin-tight jeggings like her friends wear makes me an uncool Step/Mom.  Oh well.  I'd rather be an uncool Step/Mom than a Step/Grandmom before I leave my thirties.

Gift Suggestion:  Did you know Stepmothers' Day is the Sunday after Mothers' Day every year?  Don't forget to celebrate that special woman in your life - she deserves it!  Check out this cute t-shirt to wear to honor her, or maybe get her a bottle of wine if that's more her style.  :)

Southern Step/Mom

After 4 years of being a stepparent and running the custody gamut - I'm both a custodial stepparent to two girls and a noncustodial stepparent to one girl - I've gained a unique perspective on the phenomenon of second (and third, and fourth....) families that are taking over the world as we speak.  Which made me wonder...why do we still view stepmothers as perpetually evil?  I mean, sure, I'm sassy and don't tolerate foolishness (I AM a Southern belle after all), but am I really evil?  No.  Not by a long shot.  So it's time to dispel some myths....and explain why I call myself a Step/Mom.

The label:  "Step/Mom?" you say?  Yes, I have a firm grasp on the English language; I know it's usually "stepmom" or "step-mom," but neither of those really define who I am or what my role truly is.  For my two little ones, with their bio-mom completely out of the picture (her parental rights were terminated years ago), I am Mom in every sense of the word.  Well, except for the biological part.  But when I've been the one cleaning messes and rocking sick children to sleep with no visitation, contact or financial support from the woman who brought them into the world, I think I've earned the Mom title.  But for my oldest belle, she has a mom who is still in the picture as she and my husband share joint custody, so I fully embrace my stepmotherhood in that situation.

Myths:
1.  Being a stepmother means you are a homewrecker, you want to steal your stepchildren from their mother, and/or you want to keep your husband all to yourself and fantasize about casting your stepchildren out of Tara.
No, no, and no.  My husband was already a divorced dad when we met, so there was no home to be wrecked.  I can't steal my stepchildren if there's no mother to steal them from, and as for the eldest, I'm perfectly content for the "actress in a supporting role" nomination.  While I love my husband (obviously), I have to acknowledge that I did (brace yourself, stepmoms - I'm using the line we hate in the one instance where it does have validity) know he had kids when I began dating him.  Does that mean I'm superhuman and was adequately prepared for everything stepmotherhood has thrown at me?  Not by a long shot.  But, I do recognize that they were part of the deal when I chose him. 

2.  A stepmother is never a valid primary female figure in her stepchildren's lives (i.e. You can never replace Mom).
Well, yes and no.  Will my younger belles have questions about their bio-mom as they get older?  Sure.  Can I simply erase their bio-mom and say that they will never struggle with their loss?  No.  But as they say about dads, the same does (gasp!) go for moms - Any woman can give birth, but not every woman is a mother.  I may not have given birth to them, but there's no doubt that I'm their primary female figure, that I've been Mom in every way that it's counted.  I chose to love them instead of being required to by virtue of birthing them.  That's worth something, right?

Every time I hear Myth #2, I always ask Would you say the same thing to an adoptive parent?  I'd wager not.  So why is it OK to negate the positive impact a stepmother can have on a stepchild? 

Now, I'm not advocating disregarding either parent's contributions to their child, or having a child call their stepparent Mom or Dad when there's a parent in the picture, even when it's a willing parent whose attempts at parenting are being thwarted by a vengeful ex-significant other.  But, even when there are two parents around, a stepmother (or stepfather) can still be an important person to a child without taking away from that child's other parent.

3.  You don't become a stepparent until you marry your significant other.
That may be true from a legal standpoint, but it is VERY untrue in real life.  I was a step/mom loooooooong before I married my husband.  I was taking care of sick children, helping with homework, doing laundry and cheering at school plays way before our marriage solidified my bond with his children.  And with the good comes the bad...I had to learn how navigate the stepparent mine fields way before marriage too.  In fact, by the time we got married, I was already a StepSurvivor and coaching newbies to the game.  I was more comfortable in my role and was fully committed to being a stepparent by the time we got married than I would have been had I not been an active Step/Mom before our marriage.

More myths to bust to come....but in the meantime, what are some stepmom myths you'd like to see busted?