Southern Step/Mom

After 4 years of being a stepparent and running the custody gamut - I'm both a custodial stepparent to two girls and a noncustodial stepparent to one girl - I've gained a unique perspective on the phenomenon of second (and third, and fourth....) families that are taking over the world as we speak.  Which made me wonder...why do we still view stepmothers as perpetually evil?  I mean, sure, I'm sassy and don't tolerate foolishness (I AM a Southern belle after all), but am I really evil?  No.  Not by a long shot.  So it's time to dispel some myths....and explain why I call myself a Step/Mom.

The label:  "Step/Mom?" you say?  Yes, I have a firm grasp on the English language; I know it's usually "stepmom" or "step-mom," but neither of those really define who I am or what my role truly is.  For my two little ones, with their bio-mom completely out of the picture (her parental rights were terminated years ago), I am Mom in every sense of the word.  Well, except for the biological part.  But when I've been the one cleaning messes and rocking sick children to sleep with no visitation, contact or financial support from the woman who brought them into the world, I think I've earned the Mom title.  But for my oldest belle, she has a mom who is still in the picture as she and my husband share joint custody, so I fully embrace my stepmotherhood in that situation.

Myths:
1.  Being a stepmother means you are a homewrecker, you want to steal your stepchildren from their mother, and/or you want to keep your husband all to yourself and fantasize about casting your stepchildren out of Tara.
No, no, and no.  My husband was already a divorced dad when we met, so there was no home to be wrecked.  I can't steal my stepchildren if there's no mother to steal them from, and as for the eldest, I'm perfectly content for the "actress in a supporting role" nomination.  While I love my husband (obviously), I have to acknowledge that I did (brace yourself, stepmoms - I'm using the line we hate in the one instance where it does have validity) know he had kids when I began dating him.  Does that mean I'm superhuman and was adequately prepared for everything stepmotherhood has thrown at me?  Not by a long shot.  But, I do recognize that they were part of the deal when I chose him. 

2.  A stepmother is never a valid primary female figure in her stepchildren's lives (i.e. You can never replace Mom).
Well, yes and no.  Will my younger belles have questions about their bio-mom as they get older?  Sure.  Can I simply erase their bio-mom and say that they will never struggle with their loss?  No.  But as they say about dads, the same does (gasp!) go for moms - Any woman can give birth, but not every woman is a mother.  I may not have given birth to them, but there's no doubt that I'm their primary female figure, that I've been Mom in every way that it's counted.  I chose to love them instead of being required to by virtue of birthing them.  That's worth something, right?

Every time I hear Myth #2, I always ask Would you say the same thing to an adoptive parent?  I'd wager not.  So why is it OK to negate the positive impact a stepmother can have on a stepchild? 

Now, I'm not advocating disregarding either parent's contributions to their child, or having a child call their stepparent Mom or Dad when there's a parent in the picture, even when it's a willing parent whose attempts at parenting are being thwarted by a vengeful ex-significant other.  But, even when there are two parents around, a stepmother (or stepfather) can still be an important person to a child without taking away from that child's other parent.

3.  You don't become a stepparent until you marry your significant other.
That may be true from a legal standpoint, but it is VERY untrue in real life.  I was a step/mom loooooooong before I married my husband.  I was taking care of sick children, helping with homework, doing laundry and cheering at school plays way before our marriage solidified my bond with his children.  And with the good comes the bad...I had to learn how navigate the stepparent mine fields way before marriage too.  In fact, by the time we got married, I was already a StepSurvivor and coaching newbies to the game.  I was more comfortable in my role and was fully committed to being a stepparent by the time we got married than I would have been had I not been an active Step/Mom before our marriage.

More myths to bust to come....but in the meantime, what are some stepmom myths you'd like to see busted?