Life Post-Apocalypse

After my experiences as a sideline participant in family court, I'm thoroughly convinced nothing can more quickly make a sane person go insane like a divorce or breakup.  Think about it - most of the time, you liked this person once upon a time.  Maybe you even (gasp!) loved this person at one point?  And now, standing in a courtroom, you're like two dogs in a ring right before a fight, desperately trying not to rip each other's throats out as you thirst for victory.

The sad thing about all of it is, there is a child or children caught squarely in between the two of you in this ring of fire.  And now, instead of admitting that maybe the guy you chose to have a child with is a decent father even if you can't stand him as a partner, your one goal is to exact revenge upon him in the one place where you know it's going to really hurt - his relationship with his child.

One piece of advice I give to every friend who begins to share their story of woe with me after the breakup or divorce when there's a child involved is - think of it as a business relationship.  You both have a mutual interest at heart - your child.  You're both invested in his or her wellbeing and development.  Therefore, keep it civil.  Don't argue in front of the kid, don't use the kid as a go-between or messenger, document all communication between the two of you just as you would a business relationship.  And most importantly, get a court order.  Or even better, come to a mutual agreement, type up paperwork stating said agreement, sign it, notarize it, file it.  The end.

Some people balk when I say get a court order right away.  But too often, I've seen good intentions go south quickly when emotions get flared and Dad has no rights to speak of.  Why not make it easy on everyone and have it spelled out?  You wouldn't go into a business deal without a contract, would you?  So why would you not have a custody agreement?

I know what you're thinking.  I'm a female.  I was raised by a single mom.  Shouldn't I support single moms?  Shouldn't I, as a feminist, say it's OK if Mom's the one calling the shots?

Well, the answer is....NO.

I'll let you in on a little secret.  I'm as Southern of a belle as the day is long, but I'm also a feminist.  Women's rights rally?  Sign me up!  But I've found within the past few years, I haven't been able to support my NOW sisters like I would like to.  Why?  Because they are so critical toward fathers' rights groups and have hindered equal parenting in courtrooms across the country through their aggressive lobbying techniques.

I have a serious problem with this, because to me, it's not very feminist sounding at all.  Why do we have to tear down a father's contributions to his child's life (and I don't mean just financial contributions) just to feel our roles as mothers and women are validated?  Wasn't the whole point of the feminist movement to gain equal rights?  So why are we not proponents of equal parenting rights??

Furthermore, why do mothers have to discount their children's stepmothers' roles in order to feel good about themselves?  Should we WANT children to have many positive female role models in their lives?  Isn't it a GOOD thing for a child to have many people who care about and love them?

I've heard some horrible vitriol directed toward stepmothers by biological mothers, myself included in that number of stepmothers.  Was it warranted, truthful, or justified?  No.  Was it productive for the child?  Not at all.  If you have a problem with your child's stepmother, wouldn't the mature and responsible way to voice your displeasure be to talk directly with the stepmother, or at least your child's father?  Yes.

So why is it all logic and reason goes out the window when a child's emotional wellbeing is at stake?  One thing is for certain - it's doing no one any good.


Book Suggestion:
A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom by Jacqueline Fletcher
One of the better stepmom books I've encountered.  Some of the advice is a little misguided, and no, having your own baby is not the cure-all, but overall, a good book to start with.