When it's not the enemy doing the PASing

I've talked before about how PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) has done its number on our family in the form of Becca's mother, with Becca being the collateral damage. But the longer I've been a Step/Mom, the more I've realized that my experience with and knowledge of PAS makes me particularly aware of when I see it happening in other families. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on which way you look at it), God didn't grant me the grace to overlook PAS when it seeps into my own circle of friends and family. Having a friend or family member who actively PAS'es their child or children isn't like having different religious or political views from someone. I can overlook those differences, but actively and eagerly destroying your child's relationship with their other parent is not something I can overlook or forgive.

In my almost eight years of being a Step/Mom, I've come to surround myself with other women who are also stepmoms. All of my friends and I have started out as stepmoms without biological children of our own (childless stepmoms), but over the years, many women have come to have bio-children. Unfortunately through the years, some of these moms have also separated or divorced their partners. It's always sad to see a marriage fall apart, but one would think the experience of being a stepmom would make one more sympathetic and eager to encourage a relationship between their ex-partner and their child. Not so in some cases, unfortunately.

Many of us who have been fighting the Step/Mom fight have seen these types of mothers before. They're often our stepkids' mothers. These mothers are relentless in their battle to persecute and punish their ex-partner. They will stop at nothing to ensure everyone they come into contact with thinks their ex is a bad, bad man. Abuse claims are often made. Their weapon of choice is endless petitions to the family court overseeing their case. They also often claim their family court judge is biased against them, that they favor the father. Any reasonable person who has spent even a brief moment in family court knows this is a laughable notion at best. I've never heard of one custodial father who didn't face significant hurdles inside the courtroom in order to gain custody of his child/ren, even in cases where the mother was certifiable. But this type of mother, the one who seeks full custody of her child at all costs, will scream at the top of her lungs that her judge is unreasonable, biased, sexist, or all of the above.

Early on in my journey as a Step/Mom, I became friends with one such mother. We became friends long before her child was born; in fact, it was even before she married her now ex-husband. She was passionate about changing society's views on stepmotherhood and we also shared similar interests and political views. But, as these things sometimes go, she separated from her husband not long after her child was born. And suddenly, this man who had been proclaimed as an Amazing Father by her during their courtship and marriage was now Public Enemy #1.

I won't go into the details, mainly because I've tried to block most of them out. I don't doubt that her now ex is not the greatest guy on Earth, and he doesn't even sound like a particularly spectacular father. But, no one put a gun to her head and forced her to have a baby with him. Before a child is born, the woman has - for better or worse - all of the control. She willingly and eagerly chose to have a baby with him, yet now, because she was ready to move on and wanted her latest partner to be The Only Dad in Existence, she ramped up the PAS to ensure she would destroy any ounce of a chance her now ex had to exercise his right to be a father to their child.

She told me sob story after sob story as to why her ex was evil, why he was a terrible father who was causing permanent psychological harm to their child, why he was a horrible person, why she was most definitely not PAS'ing their child, and why she wished he would just take a dirt nap already and get out of their lives. She dragged him back to court endlessly, never satisfied with each court order that granted even less visitation and even more child support. She couldn't - or wouldn't - understand her role in all of this. That her dramatic sobbing at each exchange only made it even more traumatic for their child, that encouraging their child to call her latest partner Dad-like names was not appropriate, that her permissive parenting had a lot more to do with her child's acting out than anything that was happening at her ex's house. No, because that did not fit her narrative.

I finally had to sever my friendship with her because I could no longer support her. As much as I tried to separate my feelings about her PAS from my feelings about her as a friend, the fact remained that I simply could not overlook the extreme injustice she was doling out to her child. It would have been akin to me being friends with Becca's mom, despite all the hell she's put Becca and Ashley through, and that I would never be able to do. So, our friendship ended, but unfortunately from what I understand, her PAS'ing has not. And so another victim of PAS for the books.

Dear readers, if you truly love your child, that love will always outweigh your hate for your ex. If only some mothers would realize that and act accordingly.

President Obama, what are you REALLY going to do to encourage fatherhood?

I've already outed myself as a Democrat, so you probably think I am a huge supporter of our President. While I like him and agree in general with many of his policies, there's one topic where he always seems to get it wrong - fatherhood. It feels like a Dan Quayle moment, where you just want to stop him from repeatedly putting his foot in his mouth, but it seems he really does believe what he preaches. Now, I do admire him as a father and husband; he and Michelle make a great parenting team. But the reality is I think he's very biased toward fathers and the "deadbeat dad" myth that it interferes with logic. Take for example his State of the Union address this year:

"...Because what makes you a man isn’t the ability to conceive a child; it’s having the courage to raise one.”

I agree with the concept, but why not just say parent? Why the focus on dads? I could say the exact same thing about Jade and Gabby's bio-mom. Unfortunately, their bio-mom is not the only noncustodial mother who fits the "deadbeat" stereotype. I couldn't say it any better than the Fathers & Families organization, a nonprofit that promotes shared parenting, whose Facebook page asked, "How exactly are we supposed to do this with 4 days a month VISITATION?"

It's a valid question. 50/50 parenting doesn't work in every scenario obviously. But when neither parent is abusive or dangerous, and they live relatively close to each other, there's no reason why Dad should only get every other weekend. However, in most family court systems around the country where according to the U.S. Census Bureau only 1 in 6 custodial parents is the father, Mom almost always winds up with more time. This is, of course, assuming Mom even informs Dad that he is a parent at all.

If President Obama really wants to enact change in the United States that will encourage fatherhood, he will encourage Congress to pass federal laws that set standards for family courts across the country. Parenting doesn't differ from state to state; the laws governing families shouldn't either. Mothers should be forced to disclose paternity except for in extreme circumstances (e.g. documented domestic violence, rape victims) so that children are not illegally placed for adoption (more on that in an upcoming post). While all parents have the responsibility to support their children, custody and visitation orders should be as vigorously enforced as child support orders are in most courts. A situation like ours with Becca should never happen, where Ashley's feet are held to the fire on his child support payments but yet Becca's mother has been repeatedly charged with contempt of court for violating the custody order and she has never received more than a slap on the wrist. When you reduce a father's role to be nothing more than a paycheck, you are discouraging fatherhood rather than encouraging it.

"I wish I had had a father who was around and involved." - President Obama, February 22, 2013

So do thousands of children across America, Mr. President. Stop the rampant abuse and bias in the Family Court system so fathers and their children can be reunited.

Save ThePsychoExWife.com

Many of you may be familiar with ThePsychoExWife.com.  The blog has been a resource to many finding themselves in a custody battle with a combative and likely mentally ill ex-spouse or significant other.  While some of you, like me, may have qualms about the term used to describe PEW in public (even if it's befitting after reading their story), the judge in their custody case has dictated that not only does the website need to be taken down, but the father can no longer talk about his children at all in any "public media" unless it's "to wish them happy birthday or about a significant school event."  The entire ruling can be read here. 

This judge's decision is a violation of the father's First Amendment rights, and it could have a chilling effect on blogs such as mine, online support groups for divorcing dads and stepmoms, and other key resources for the equal parenting movement.  Please take some time today to visit Save ThePsychoExWife.com to find out more and learn what you can do to help.

Life Post-Apocalypse

After my experiences as a sideline participant in family court, I'm thoroughly convinced nothing can more quickly make a sane person go insane like a divorce or breakup.  Think about it - most of the time, you liked this person once upon a time.  Maybe you even (gasp!) loved this person at one point?  And now, standing in a courtroom, you're like two dogs in a ring right before a fight, desperately trying not to rip each other's throats out as you thirst for victory.

The sad thing about all of it is, there is a child or children caught squarely in between the two of you in this ring of fire.  And now, instead of admitting that maybe the guy you chose to have a child with is a decent father even if you can't stand him as a partner, your one goal is to exact revenge upon him in the one place where you know it's going to really hurt - his relationship with his child.

One piece of advice I give to every friend who begins to share their story of woe with me after the breakup or divorce when there's a child involved is - think of it as a business relationship.  You both have a mutual interest at heart - your child.  You're both invested in his or her wellbeing and development.  Therefore, keep it civil.  Don't argue in front of the kid, don't use the kid as a go-between or messenger, document all communication between the two of you just as you would a business relationship.  And most importantly, get a court order.  Or even better, come to a mutual agreement, type up paperwork stating said agreement, sign it, notarize it, file it.  The end.

Some people balk when I say get a court order right away.  But too often, I've seen good intentions go south quickly when emotions get flared and Dad has no rights to speak of.  Why not make it easy on everyone and have it spelled out?  You wouldn't go into a business deal without a contract, would you?  So why would you not have a custody agreement?

I know what you're thinking.  I'm a female.  I was raised by a single mom.  Shouldn't I support single moms?  Shouldn't I, as a feminist, say it's OK if Mom's the one calling the shots?

Well, the answer is....NO.

I'll let you in on a little secret.  I'm as Southern of a belle as the day is long, but I'm also a feminist.  Women's rights rally?  Sign me up!  But I've found within the past few years, I haven't been able to support my NOW sisters like I would like to.  Why?  Because they are so critical toward fathers' rights groups and have hindered equal parenting in courtrooms across the country through their aggressive lobbying techniques.

I have a serious problem with this, because to me, it's not very feminist sounding at all.  Why do we have to tear down a father's contributions to his child's life (and I don't mean just financial contributions) just to feel our roles as mothers and women are validated?  Wasn't the whole point of the feminist movement to gain equal rights?  So why are we not proponents of equal parenting rights??

Furthermore, why do mothers have to discount their children's stepmothers' roles in order to feel good about themselves?  Should we WANT children to have many positive female role models in their lives?  Isn't it a GOOD thing for a child to have many people who care about and love them?

I've heard some horrible vitriol directed toward stepmothers by biological mothers, myself included in that number of stepmothers.  Was it warranted, truthful, or justified?  No.  Was it productive for the child?  Not at all.  If you have a problem with your child's stepmother, wouldn't the mature and responsible way to voice your displeasure be to talk directly with the stepmother, or at least your child's father?  Yes.

So why is it all logic and reason goes out the window when a child's emotional wellbeing is at stake?  One thing is for certain - it's doing no one any good.


Book Suggestion:
A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom by Jacqueline Fletcher
One of the better stepmom books I've encountered.  Some of the advice is a little misguided, and no, having your own baby is not the cure-all, but overall, a good book to start with.