When you can't let it go......

As I've shared before, Becca's mom broke off her relationship with Ashley many years before I came along. She took Becca with her when she left. I won't get into the details of why she left as it's not my story to tell, but let's just say this was not a case of Ashley being a big jerk and she couldn't stand living with him anymore. Of course, she never explained to Becca why she left, and Ashley did not feel it was his place to tell Becca. I vividly remember one time when Becca and I were going to the store, Becca asked me why her parents broke up. I actually remember the exact intersection I stopped at when she dropped this bombshell. I told her it wasn't my place to tell her, and she should have that discussion with her parents. She became very upset, asking why it was fair for me to know and for her not to, even asking me if the scenario that actually happened is the story. I just kept repeating it was a discussion for her to have with her mom and dad, that I knew because it was a discussion between adults in a relationship to have, but that if she wanted to know, I would not be the one to tell her.

The sad thing is, Becca carried the burden of their breakup and the responsibility for her custody situation more than any child should have, because her mother put her in the role of friend and confidant rather than parent-child. Her mother openly bashed Ashley to her, allowed others to do the same, and actively cultivated relationships with members of Ashley's family that he made abundantly clear to her he did not want Becca interacting with them. Some of my in-laws are....well, difficult. That's the understatement of the century actually, but not the point of this post. Let's just say that as every family has their toxic members, Ashley has a bit more than most and we mutually agreed that these toxic members were dysfunctional and emotionally harmful enough to the girls that no contact was eventually the only option. We did not come to this decision lightly, mind you. Rather than respect Ashley's decision with his family members as he has with Becca's mom's family (we'll call her Laney from now on), Laney made it a point and has continued to do so to ensure Becca is surrounded by people who want nothing more than for Becca and Ashley's estrangement to continue because they know it is the easiest and most effective way to hurt Ashley.

I remember once Becca and I stayed up very late in deep conversation when she was at our house for one of our weekends, and she became very emotional. She confessed she blamed herself for not living with us full-time. She thought that because Laney asked her, a child too young to even be in preschool mind you, if she wanted to come with her when Laney walked out, that she chose her mom over her dad. Blinking back tears, I explained to her that she was a young child and it was no fault of her own, that Ashley did not blame her, and that we both loved her very much.

It broke my heart that Becca thought that any of it was her fault, and it also broke my heart that Laney's hatred of Ashley was and still is so deep that it actually overrides her love for their child. Of course, I have no doubt that Laney loves Becca very much, just as Ashley does. I'm sure in many ways, she is a good mother, and she certainly isn't the train wreck that Maggie is. But truth be told, I think that in many ways, Laney has done more damage to Becca than Maggie ever has to Gabby and Jade. While raising Gabby and Jade has been no walk in the park, they at least have had the benefit of being reared in a home with two parents who provide them with an example of a loving relationship. We don't badmouth Maggie to them or make them feel they should be ashamed of half of their genes or put them in a position where they feel they have to defend their other parent. They don't have to stay quiet about their positive feelings or feel that it's not OK to love their stepparent because Mom will be angry.

No, I don't care for Laney. She and I are so incredibly different from each other, we would never be friends in another life. We disagree on too many things to mention. But the difference is I never uttered an ugly word about her to her daughter. I encouraged Becca to have a good relationship with both of her parents and with her stepfather. I kept my personal opinions about Laney, her parenting style and her lifestyle choices to myself, even when Becca would occasionally bait me, because I love Becca more than I dislike Laney.

That's the message that gets lost when you can't let it go, when you continue to drag everyone in and out of family court for years, when you make snide comments about your ex in front of your child, when you scream at your ex in front of your child, all of which Laney was - and I have no doubt still is - a pro at doing. You don't have to be the Brady Bunch. No one has to be best friends or even like each other. You just have to keep that civil, business like tone. Put your child's best interests in front of your own.

That's what parenting is all about, right?

Holiday Time!

Sorry for being MIA lately. It's been a few months of highs and lows at Tara. We moved into a new house (yay!), Jade and Gabby are doing well even though Jade is in her last year of elementary school (YIKES!), I finally finished graduate school (YAY YAY YAY!), and all in all, it's been happy chaos. We did however lose a family member over the summer, and of course even though Becca is now 18, she is still in the throes of PAS. Every year, all I can do is continue to pray and hope she will eventually come around.

Thankfully, this holiday season doesn't bring forth any blended family drama. My biggest upset is that we will not be going home to our Southern roots for Christmas due to me and Ashley's work schedules. But I well remember the holiday uproar, the even-wackier-than-usual visitation schedules, the fact that holidays do not always bring out the best in people.

I know it's hard, and I don't mean to sound trite. Sometimes the best you can do is disengage during the holiday season, and be thankful for what is and try to ignore what is not even though it should be. I found the less I involved myself with Ashley and Becca's mom's disagreements at this time of year, the less worked up I got and the happier I was. Happy wife, happy life, right? If you refuse to engage, she can't win. Don't get involved in a text argument. If the visitation plan falls through because your husband waited until the last minute to make arrangements, let it be. If the kids won't shut up about "Mom this" and "Mom that," I found a nonchalant, "Oh mmhmm? That's nice. Did you know cats are night vision?" always worked wonders. It sounds overly simple, doesn't it? But if you don't rent out space in your head, it's a lot easier to get through this emotionally charged season.

Oh, and whenever possible, try to work with your husband to create your own family traditions. If he doesn't see the need for this, continue poking and prodding until he gets it. It's OK for you to do things differently at your house than what the kids do at Mom's - in fact, it's healthy and normal. I think it's great for kids to be exposed to different traditions and ideas. If your husband doesn't encourage your role as Lady of the House.....well, that might need to be a topic for another post.

Wishing you and yours a most wonderful Thanksgiving, and to my Jewish friends, a joyous Hanukkah!

President Obama, what are you REALLY going to do to encourage fatherhood?

I've already outed myself as a Democrat, so you probably think I am a huge supporter of our President. While I like him and agree in general with many of his policies, there's one topic where he always seems to get it wrong - fatherhood. It feels like a Dan Quayle moment, where you just want to stop him from repeatedly putting his foot in his mouth, but it seems he really does believe what he preaches. Now, I do admire him as a father and husband; he and Michelle make a great parenting team. But the reality is I think he's very biased toward fathers and the "deadbeat dad" myth that it interferes with logic. Take for example his State of the Union address this year:

"...Because what makes you a man isn’t the ability to conceive a child; it’s having the courage to raise one.”

I agree with the concept, but why not just say parent? Why the focus on dads? I could say the exact same thing about Jade and Gabby's bio-mom. Unfortunately, their bio-mom is not the only noncustodial mother who fits the "deadbeat" stereotype. I couldn't say it any better than the Fathers & Families organization, a nonprofit that promotes shared parenting, whose Facebook page asked, "How exactly are we supposed to do this with 4 days a month VISITATION?"

It's a valid question. 50/50 parenting doesn't work in every scenario obviously. But when neither parent is abusive or dangerous, and they live relatively close to each other, there's no reason why Dad should only get every other weekend. However, in most family court systems around the country where according to the U.S. Census Bureau only 1 in 6 custodial parents is the father, Mom almost always winds up with more time. This is, of course, assuming Mom even informs Dad that he is a parent at all.

If President Obama really wants to enact change in the United States that will encourage fatherhood, he will encourage Congress to pass federal laws that set standards for family courts across the country. Parenting doesn't differ from state to state; the laws governing families shouldn't either. Mothers should be forced to disclose paternity except for in extreme circumstances (e.g. documented domestic violence, rape victims) so that children are not illegally placed for adoption (more on that in an upcoming post). While all parents have the responsibility to support their children, custody and visitation orders should be as vigorously enforced as child support orders are in most courts. A situation like ours with Becca should never happen, where Ashley's feet are held to the fire on his child support payments but yet Becca's mother has been repeatedly charged with contempt of court for violating the custody order and she has never received more than a slap on the wrist. When you reduce a father's role to be nothing more than a paycheck, you are discouraging fatherhood rather than encouraging it.

"I wish I had had a father who was around and involved." - President Obama, February 22, 2013

So do thousands of children across America, Mr. President. Stop the rampant abuse and bias in the Family Court system so fathers and their children can be reunited.