Holiday Time!

Sorry for being MIA lately. It's been a few months of highs and lows at Tara. We moved into a new house (yay!), Jade and Gabby are doing well even though Jade is in her last year of elementary school (YIKES!), I finally finished graduate school (YAY YAY YAY!), and all in all, it's been happy chaos. We did however lose a family member over the summer, and of course even though Becca is now 18, she is still in the throes of PAS. Every year, all I can do is continue to pray and hope she will eventually come around.

Thankfully, this holiday season doesn't bring forth any blended family drama. My biggest upset is that we will not be going home to our Southern roots for Christmas due to me and Ashley's work schedules. But I well remember the holiday uproar, the even-wackier-than-usual visitation schedules, the fact that holidays do not always bring out the best in people.

I know it's hard, and I don't mean to sound trite. Sometimes the best you can do is disengage during the holiday season, and be thankful for what is and try to ignore what is not even though it should be. I found the less I involved myself with Ashley and Becca's mom's disagreements at this time of year, the less worked up I got and the happier I was. Happy wife, happy life, right? If you refuse to engage, she can't win. Don't get involved in a text argument. If the visitation plan falls through because your husband waited until the last minute to make arrangements, let it be. If the kids won't shut up about "Mom this" and "Mom that," I found a nonchalant, "Oh mmhmm? That's nice. Did you know cats are night vision?" always worked wonders. It sounds overly simple, doesn't it? But if you don't rent out space in your head, it's a lot easier to get through this emotionally charged season.

Oh, and whenever possible, try to work with your husband to create your own family traditions. If he doesn't see the need for this, continue poking and prodding until he gets it. It's OK for you to do things differently at your house than what the kids do at Mom's - in fact, it's healthy and normal. I think it's great for kids to be exposed to different traditions and ideas. If your husband doesn't encourage your role as Lady of the House.....well, that might need to be a topic for another post.

Wishing you and yours a most wonderful Thanksgiving, and to my Jewish friends, a joyous Hanukkah!

Didn't survive the holidays? Tips for next year!

I think it goes without saying that getting through the holidays as a Step/Mom can be one of the most draining, dramatic facts of steplife you'll ever encounter.  Most of the time, getting through the holidays (and endless custody exchanges) is enough to send any sensible woman running and screaming....at least to the nearest bottle of wine.  How do you fit in time with the kids and your families while also making sure everyone is supposed to be when they're supposed to be there?  Will the bio-mom follow the custody order, or will she make a last-minute attempt to change the game plan?  Can you and your husband or significant other make it through the holidays without killing each other?  These are all important, valid questions in steplife.

The first step - as with almost any step-situation - is to ensure you have a workable custody order that is painfully specific.  So many times, attorneys and/or judges will throw in vague language such as "The father is entitled to reasonable holiday visitation."  What is reasonable?  Who defines it?  I can almost guarantee that most people get divorced or break up because neither one can agree on what is reasonable in any situation.  Why then would you assume that you can both agree on reasonable after a divorce?

I'll give Ashley and Oldest Belle's bio-mom credit where credit is due.  They have a pretty solidly defined and reasonable custody order when it come to holiday visitation.  The issue has always been getting Oldest Belle's bio-mom to actually follow the custody order, but bless her heart, she tries.  That's what I tell myself in my finer Christian woman moments at least.  But, the idea for the parents to "swap" holidays every year is a pretty good one in my opinion.  Basically one parent gets Christmas, for example, with the child every even year, and the other parent gets the child on the odd years.  This plan ensures no day of the holiday custody exchanges.  This is good for two reasons - everyone gets to enjoy the full holiday without being in a car all day, and you don't have to see your ex (or your husband's ex) on a holiday.  You have to see the goodness in the little things, right?

The second step is to stick to the plan.  I will admit that in some step-situations, both sets of parents (the bio-parents and their spouses or partners) get along wonderfully and can easily deviate from the custody plan without too much commotion.  However, if you are in a step-situation where one party does not want to work with the other or takes advantage of the situation (e.g. always asking to change the schedule but never agreeing to changes the other party proposes), it is simply best to stick to the plan.  You may think you're being reasonable and you're showing the child or children involved that Mom and Dad can work together.  Well, that's good in theory.  But, in practice, it's not always the best approach.  I am a huge believer in boundaries.  Boundaries are so critical in any step-situation (I promise this is a topic you will get sick of me discussing, but it's because it is so very important).  The court order is there for a reason - follow it!  It serves everyone's best interests because it ensures the child or children involved are getting the time they deserve with both of their parents.  When you deviate from the plan, it opens the door for more deviation in the future, usually on an increasingly larger scale.  At what point do you say no?  Don't let yourself get into that situation - say no from the beginning, and you'll never have to worry about your good nature being taken advantage of.

It really can be a peaceful and happy holiday season.  You just have to plan in advance.  And if plans still fall apart......well, in my opinion, there's nothing a nice bottle of Moscato can't fix.

New school year = New teachers to confuse

Ahh, a new school year.  It's one of the most joyous times of the year, right?  New books to read from, new subjects to explore, new friends to make.......

And new teachers to terrorize.


See, when you're a Step/Mom, it's a bit more complicated than just signing the kids up for school.  Even if you don't tell the teacher on Day 1, eventually, you have to explain.  Or look like a Teen Mom extra.  Explaining is preferable.

If it's a new school, they have to be provided with the All Important Court Order.  When you're custodial like us, this brings in a whole new level of confusion, because the school will often scratch its collective head when they see the rarity - "A Dad with custody?" they ask.  It's not that dads are incapable of being custodial parents, of course, but it's the simple fact that most courts still make Mom the Custodial/Domiciliary Parent.

So first you have to explain that yes, Dad really does have custody, and no, Mom does not have the right to call the school or come by the school.  Yes, it's in the court order.  No, it doesn't matter that she's still on the birth certificate.

Then, it needs to be clarified for the school and the teachers that while I am not technically Mom, I am called Mom, I look like a Mom, I act like a Mom, so therefore, it's just easiest to call me Mom.  After all, a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, right?  In fact, oh School and Teachers, I know way more about these little belles than bio-Mom ever could possibly comprehend.  In fact, I am probably the person you want to become friends with since I have a knack for detail and documentation when it comes to these kiddos, so really, I am the person you want to get to know.

And yes, School, you do have to honor the Power of Attorney my husband has signed on my behalf, just like the doctors' offices and religious education offices have to.

In fact, did you know that custodial stepparents even have rights under FERPA?

"Accordingly, a stepparent has rights under FERPA where the stepparent is present on a day-to-day basis with the natural parent and child and the other parent is absent from that home. In such cases, stepparents have the same rights under FERPA as do natural parents."
- Letter to Parent re: Disclosure of Education Records to Stepparents


So I truly do apologize for the confusion, Mr. Principal and Mr. Teacher.  I'm also very sorry if I tend to spout out case law and Department of Education policies in order to assure you of me and my husband's rights.  I'm just a wee bit annoying like that.  


But, look at it this way - you may have to deal with me, but I have to live it!  So take heart: you could be  a Step/Mom and be in a constant state of explanation.  :)