Ann Romney: Does addressing mothers count as addressing stepmothers too?

I try to leave politics off my blog because I realize that it’s a polarizing topic and I strive to not alienate my readers. However, the Republican National Convention last week in Tampa unknowingly gave an interesting view into how many people in this country view alternative forms of parenting, and it deserves to be addressed.

I shouldn’t go any further without being honest – much to Ashley’s dismay, I am a registered Democrat. I don’t always vote within party lines or agree with every portion of the party platform. However, I am a liberal, especially on social issues, so my view of the current GOP and their policies toward women is not very positive to begin with.

With that being said, Ann Romney’s speech piqued my interest. I have nothing against the woman personally, other than I think she is a bit naïve and out of touch regarding how most women in this country live. I think she’s very admirable, especially with all of her medical battles, and I don’t begrudge her for being a stay-at-home parent. Because she comes across as genuine to me, I wanted to hear her speech in the hopes of seeing a different side of Mitt Romney.

But what I got out of it was what I like to call “Mommy Superiority Syndrome.” Some of the gems of her speech:

“I want to talk to you about that love so deep, only a mother can fathom it. The love that we have for our children and our children's children.”

“And if you listen carefully, you'll hear the women sighing a little bit more than the men. It's how it is, isn't it? It's the moms who have always had to work a little harder to make everything right. It's the moms of this nation, single, married, widowed, who really hold the country together. We're the mothers. We're the wives. We're the grandmothers. We're the big sisters. We're the little sisters and we are the daughters.”

“You are the best of America. You are the hope of America. There would not be an America without you. Tonight, we salute you and sing your praises!”

Hmmm….so according to Ann – and this is a statement I have heard from many people, not just her – only a mother can fathom the deepest love there is. It’s similar to the statement, “You don’t know true love until you have a child.” According to Ann, it’s the moms of the United States who keep America together. The single mothers, the married mothers, the widowed mothers. The grandmothers. The wives. The sisters.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? You might recall my Mother’s Day reflections that in an aisle full of cards acknowledging Mother’s Day for mothers, for grandmothers, for mothers-in-law, for wives, for sisters, for aunts….. there was not one card for a stepmother.

You might say – as some have on Facebook on mutual friends’ postings, “Oh Southern Stepmom, why are you getting so upset about this? She was trying to be positive! She probably meant stepmothers too – stepmothers are like mothers, and you can’t break down every type of mother there possibly is so as not to offend anyone! Here she is – trying to make positive statements about women, and you’re just tearing her down, you big mean liberal!”

If Ann had meant to include stepmothers or to infer that mother applies to all women who take care of children, she could have easily said stepmothers when she referred to many types of mothers in the second quote. She could have not broken down the types of mothers at all. Or she could have not blatantly said – only a mother understands; because of mothers, there is an America.

Do I think Ann Romney hates stepmothers? No. Do I think she, like most people in America, thinks that in order to be a mother, you have to physically bring a child into this world? Yes, I do.

You may say I’m thin skinned. You may say I’m a liberal who hates Mitt Romney and wouldn’t have voted for him anyway no matter what his wife said. You may say everyone’s too concerned about being PC these days and I need to stop being such an angry woman.

If I were thin skinned, I would not have survived almost six years of being a stepmother. There is little that would have convinced me to vote for Mitt Romney, but if his wife had acknowledged me and the other 14 million stepmothers to minor children in this country, I would have definitely gained a lot of respect for him. I probably am an angry woman, but I’m an angry woman for a reason.

I have had many people praise me for my sacrifices and how I have reared my two younger belles. I don’t do it for the praise. I do it because those two kids need me. They needed a mother in their lives because their bio-mother couldn’t do it/chose not to do it herself. Yes, there are days when I want to tear my hair out. There are days when I wish the burden was a little easier, or that my husband and I could enjoy more than 3 overnight trips away by ourselves in six years. There are days when I wonder if they will ever appreciate anything that I have done for them.

But, I don’t expect you to feel sorry for me, as one person suggested. I don’t want a glowing review of my parenting. A simple thanks from my girls, or even perhaps their bio-mother one day, would be nice. But I don’t expect people to bow down at me for what I have done. It was my choice, not my obligation.

But what I would really like is for my relationship with the two girls I have raised to mean something to a school or to a doctor’s office without requiring a legal paper trail or a lengthy and expensive adoption process. I would like for my role as a de facto parent to be acknowledged in the eyes of the law, not to be considered the legal stranger to them that I am considered to be now.

That’s right, folks. My only connection to those girls that I have loved as my own and have been expected to love as my own is through my husband. I am Dad’s wife. If something were to – heaven forbid – happen to my husband tomorrow, the only connection I have to them would be severed. The state could take them from me. I would have to file for guardianship, which could be contested by the state or by any relative. If we were to – heaven forbid – divorce, I would be facing an uphill legal battle for visitation, and most states don’t even allow stepparents to petition for visitation, much less grant it.

The ugly assumptions people make about stepmothers, the ridiculous assertions people make about us – that’s all relative, but not really even the point. The point is that if Ann Romney didn’t have to specify stepmothers because stepmothers are considered valuable women in America, if motherhood wasn’t defined by biology, then there would be cards for stepmothers on Mother’s Day. There would be features on national news outlets about inspiring stepmothers on Mother’s Day, just as there are about stepfathers on Father’s Day. And most importantly – I would have legal protection for the role I play every day. I wouldn’t be “just the stepmother.” It would be me that was holding the country together too.

Friends? Frienemies? The never-ending "How do I deal with that woman?" saga.

So, just so we're clear here, I've never had to do this dance with the younger belles' bio-mom as she was MIA way before I came along.  You know...the dance where you're not quite sure what your status is with the bio-mom of your stepkidlets.  This gets even more complicated when you're still dating and not "officially" a step/mother yet.

When I began dating my dear Ashley over 4 and a half years ago (yes, it really has been that long!), I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed about the whole "other mother" scenario.  I was a stepdaughter briefly during my childhood, but this was my first time on the other side of the fence, so to speak.  I hadn't read any books yet, hadn't found any support groups, didn't have any friends who were step/mothers - I was just head over heels for this guy who happened to have 3 kids already.  Oldest belle's bio-mom and my Ashley had broken up over 10 years before I came along, so I assumed the whole custody arrangement was a well-oiled machine by the time he and I started dating.

Well, you know what they say about assuming.......

The first time I met her bio-mom (we'll call her BM for short), I don't remember there being any grand introduction or her saying...well, anything to me really.  Which would turn out to be par for the course for the years to come.  But even after that first meeting, I didn't give too much thought to her until our relationship grew serious.

I have the benefit of years of removal from the situation, general wisdom I've gathered along the way and enough  moral backbone to be able to laugh now about "the BM years" as I've dubbed them.  But there were plenty of times during those years when I was assuredly not laughing about any of it.  Now?  I pretty much just roll my eyes and giggle.  But it took a lot to get to that point of peace in my life.

Throughout the years, I've seen step/mom after step/mom pull her hair out and fret over what to do about the bio-mom (or bio-moms in some of our cases).  I find this is a monumental difference between stepmothers and stepfathers.  Men simply don't let stuff like this get to them.  And when they do, they normally just beat each other up and then get over it.  Women sit there and worry about, "Should I reach out to her?"  "Do you think I should try to be friends with her?"  and so on.

First of all, let me just say I hate the terms "co-wives" and "co-mamas."  First of all, the only "co-wives" I know of are the Sister Wives.  Great show, but not a realistic approach to getting along with the bio-mom.  I'm not sharing my husband with you; this marriage has plenty enough people in it with the two of us.  No need for you to get involved, dear bio-mom.  While I think the "co-mama" approach is a noble one, let's face it - how many bio-moms wholeheartedly embrace the "co-mama" approach?  Yeah, that's what I thought.  It's a good theory, but in practice?   Unless the stepmom is OK with being a doormat, it usually doesn't work very well.

So, back to Year 1.  I didn't want to be friends with the woman, but considering I was planning on marrying her daughter's father and I was caring for her child every other weekend, every summer and every other holiday, I felt it was a pretty reasonable expectation that we could at least be friendly and civil with each other.  I really cared for Oldest Belle and willingly spent time and money on her.  I didn't want to be her mom, but I did want to be a good, nurturing role model that she could feel comfortable around.  Oldest Belle and I also got along pretty well, so I thought it wasn't too much to hope that BM and I could get along for her sake.  Right?

Well, let's just say BM did not take too kindly toward another woman being in the picture.  She was thoroughly enjoying being Main Mama in the parenting triangle she had set up between herself, her husband and Ashley, and there was no room for one more.  There weren't many times that she was outright rude toward me (although the times she was were quite memorable); her MO was to just outright ignore me.  The attempts I did make toward being friendly were completely ignored, so finally I just shrugged my shoulders and blew it off.

I know many women think it's best for the kids to be friends with the bio-mom.  I think if you can genuinely achieve that, then that's wonderful.  Unfortunately, that tends to almost never be the case.  Many times women think if they follow along with what the bio-mom wants, such as shared family dinners (sometimes without the stepmom!) and other attempts at creating a "one big happy family," then the bio-mom will eventually accept her.  Again, this normally causes more problems than solutions.

There's nothing wrong with being civil.  By all means do I not condone snarky comments in front of the stepkids or acting like a crazy banshee toward the bio-mom.  The cold hard truth is you will have to deal with her until your stepkids are 18.  But - do not be surprised if she views you as Public Enemy #1.  This does not mean you are not a good person or a good stepparent.  I had given BM no reason to dislike me.  I perhaps didn't care for her personally, nor would she have been a person I would have chosen to associate with, but I tried to see the good in her and I always gave her the respect I felt she was due because she was Oldest Belle's mother.  I also made sure to never speak ill of her in front of Oldest Belle, and I even would correct Oldest Belle when she would begin to badmouth BM in front of me.  No disrespecting mamas in my house!

Essentially, I refused to bring myself to her level.  If she wanted to ignore me, fine - I wasn't going to force her to acknowledge me.  But, I also demanded respect for myself.  I didn't tolerate her bashing me or Ashley in my presence.  I didn't stay away from exchanges or from Oldest Belle's events because I thought it might make BM uncomfortable.  I was always very pleasant with her husband, because he was always very pleasant with me.

As stepkids grow older, they often see everyone's true colors (that's my hope at least!).  Oftentimes if the bio-mom starts out not accepting you and your very valid role in her child's life, she likely never will.  That doesn't mean you have to treat yourself like a second-class citizen.  Being the bigger person can be difficult - trust me, I would know! - but often with a bio-mom like that, she wants to see that she's getting to you.  Just don't let her.  Once I stopped caring about what BM thought of me, it transformed my view of myself as a stepparent and my relationship with Ashley for the better.

Sometimes, you can't rely on finding peace in other people - you have to create it for yourself.

New school year = New teachers to confuse

Ahh, a new school year.  It's one of the most joyous times of the year, right?  New books to read from, new subjects to explore, new friends to make.......

And new teachers to terrorize.


See, when you're a Step/Mom, it's a bit more complicated than just signing the kids up for school.  Even if you don't tell the teacher on Day 1, eventually, you have to explain.  Or look like a Teen Mom extra.  Explaining is preferable.

If it's a new school, they have to be provided with the All Important Court Order.  When you're custodial like us, this brings in a whole new level of confusion, because the school will often scratch its collective head when they see the rarity - "A Dad with custody?" they ask.  It's not that dads are incapable of being custodial parents, of course, but it's the simple fact that most courts still make Mom the Custodial/Domiciliary Parent.

So first you have to explain that yes, Dad really does have custody, and no, Mom does not have the right to call the school or come by the school.  Yes, it's in the court order.  No, it doesn't matter that she's still on the birth certificate.

Then, it needs to be clarified for the school and the teachers that while I am not technically Mom, I am called Mom, I look like a Mom, I act like a Mom, so therefore, it's just easiest to call me Mom.  After all, a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, right?  In fact, oh School and Teachers, I know way more about these little belles than bio-Mom ever could possibly comprehend.  In fact, I am probably the person you want to become friends with since I have a knack for detail and documentation when it comes to these kiddos, so really, I am the person you want to get to know.

And yes, School, you do have to honor the Power of Attorney my husband has signed on my behalf, just like the doctors' offices and religious education offices have to.

In fact, did you know that custodial stepparents even have rights under FERPA?

"Accordingly, a stepparent has rights under FERPA where the stepparent is present on a day-to-day basis with the natural parent and child and the other parent is absent from that home. In such cases, stepparents have the same rights under FERPA as do natural parents."
- Letter to Parent re: Disclosure of Education Records to Stepparents


So I truly do apologize for the confusion, Mr. Principal and Mr. Teacher.  I'm also very sorry if I tend to spout out case law and Department of Education policies in order to assure you of me and my husband's rights.  I'm just a wee bit annoying like that.  


But, look at it this way - you may have to deal with me, but I have to live it!  So take heart: you could be  a Step/Mom and be in a constant state of explanation.  :)