Long Distance Stepparenting

I am very pleased to announce my first post from a guest writer! My amazing friend Sarah offered to share her experience as a stepmother whose stepdaughter lives far away from her and her husband, Charlie. I share Sarah's story in hopes of reminding my fair readers that it takes all kinds of stepparenting to make the world go round (that's how the saying goes, right?! I kid, I kid.) and that each type of stepparenting has its own challenges and blessings. I also empathize with Sarah as a fellow long-distance stepmother in my situation with Oldest Belle, and I hope Sarah's story provides all of you with great insight and understanding. Thank you, dear Sarah, for sharing your story!

Cheers, Southern Step/Mom

We weren’t always a long distance family. When I met my husband Charlie 5 years ago, he was fully custodial to a bubbly 4 year old girl. I fell in love with both of them almost immediately. I delighted in his use of Frizz-Ease in her unruly curls and the way he could get her to dissolve into giggles even when she was in the midst of a tantrum. I thought he was a fantastic partner and father. We had sporadic Date Nights, but for the most part we just all hung out together. Being part of a “family” felt natural and we settled into an easy household routine. One thing I especially loved about my stepdaughter Bridget was that she would eat anything I cooked; I considered myself unbelievably lucky to have this great kid in my life who wasn’t a picky eater.

Then Charlie, who is in the military, was temporarily moved from our city to the other side of the country for half a year. I was blessed at the time to be working from home, so I was able to accompany him. Bridget went to live 300 miles away with her mom. My relationship with Charlie deepened during that time, but my relationship with Bridget was nonexistent. I tried sending Christmas and birthday gifts to her. They were returned, unopened, with a comment passed through Charlie that Bridget’s mom was uncomfortable with it. She was also uncomfortable with me talking to Bridget on the phone.

When Charlie’s assignment ended and we returned to our city I was eager to resume a normal life with him and, of course, Bridget. But Bridget was...different. Sullen. ANGRY. She was also confused. She didn’t understand that she didn’t live with us anymore, that living with her mom was permanent and she was only visiting. She acted out and Charlie allowed it. Things she NEVER would have gotten away with before were now perfectly fine. She picked at her dinners and hated anything placed in front of her, even foods she had gobbled up less than a year prior. Charlie accused me of deliberately making unusual dishes and acted as if spaghetti was haute cuisine. Any attempt I made to discipline her was undermined, often in front of her.

What had happened to our easy household routine, to our family? Every night I looked forward to her bedtime so that I could sneak some quality time in with Charlie, but bedtime never came. He hadn’t seen Bridget in so long that he couldn’t bear to put her to bed at night and refused say no to any request from her, but it was coming at the cost our relationship. Charlie and I started arguing about petty household issues, about discipline, about EVERYTHING. My life was being run by a 5-year-old who demanded ice cream cones and fast food twice a day and stayed up until 1 a.m. My husband indulged every whim and shouted at me if I tried to rein them in. When Bridget returned to her mom, my husband retreated to his workshop and sulked for days, refusing to talk to me, only staring blankly at the wall and saying how awful his life was without Bridget. I felt rejected as a stepparent and dismissed as a wife.

I told myself that we all just needed time to adjust to this new arrangement and that things would improve. I prayed to have my loving partner back. I prayed to have the little girl I loved so much back. I prayed to have my family back.

Every other weekend, we spent 6 hours in the car on Saturday morning and another 6 hours in the car on Sunday afternoon to have her for one night. Charlie would keep her up all night trying to squeeze in every possible moment of fun time and then she’d pass out in the car on the way home. Attending a birthday party or school play required taking vacation days and a hotel stay in Bridget’s city – assuming, of course, that we were invited to attend those things at all. Sometimes we simply could not afford it and we missed important events.

It started wearing all of us down so Charlie and his ex-wife agreed to decrease visitation to one weekend a month instead, usually whatever school holiday Bridget had so that we could have more time with her. I stopped going on the drive so that Charlie and Bridget could have alone time in the car and, quite honestly, I needed the time to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the hurricane of commotion in our home that comes with having a child you can't parent in a "traditional" way in your care. By that, I mean the custodial agreement didn't truly allow for us to enjoy both the normal fun and the gentle discipling that comes with traditional parenting when you have a child with you for more than an extended weekend here and there.

Bridget’s mom remarried last summer. Her new husband, who is also in the military, is stationed over 1000 miles away. Our long distance family suddenly got a LOT more distant. Visits now require a plane ride, a lot of planning and a fairly substantial amount of money. One weekend a month has turned into one weekend every three to six months. Bridget has her own life in her new city and I feel like I barely know her anymore. She seemed to go from preschooler to tween in the blink of an eye and I’ve missed out on most of it. She tells me she can’t recall a time when I wasn’t a part her life, but I don’t FEEL like part of her life. I don’t feel like a family anymore.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t know if we’ll ever be close to each other again, physically or emotionally. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel like part of a family again, but I’m still praying for it.

Ann Romney: Does addressing mothers count as addressing stepmothers too?

I try to leave politics off my blog because I realize that it’s a polarizing topic and I strive to not alienate my readers. However, the Republican National Convention last week in Tampa unknowingly gave an interesting view into how many people in this country view alternative forms of parenting, and it deserves to be addressed.

I shouldn’t go any further without being honest – much to Ashley’s dismay, I am a registered Democrat. I don’t always vote within party lines or agree with every portion of the party platform. However, I am a liberal, especially on social issues, so my view of the current GOP and their policies toward women is not very positive to begin with.

With that being said, Ann Romney’s speech piqued my interest. I have nothing against the woman personally, other than I think she is a bit naïve and out of touch regarding how most women in this country live. I think she’s very admirable, especially with all of her medical battles, and I don’t begrudge her for being a stay-at-home parent. Because she comes across as genuine to me, I wanted to hear her speech in the hopes of seeing a different side of Mitt Romney.

But what I got out of it was what I like to call “Mommy Superiority Syndrome.” Some of the gems of her speech:

“I want to talk to you about that love so deep, only a mother can fathom it. The love that we have for our children and our children's children.”

“And if you listen carefully, you'll hear the women sighing a little bit more than the men. It's how it is, isn't it? It's the moms who have always had to work a little harder to make everything right. It's the moms of this nation, single, married, widowed, who really hold the country together. We're the mothers. We're the wives. We're the grandmothers. We're the big sisters. We're the little sisters and we are the daughters.”

“You are the best of America. You are the hope of America. There would not be an America without you. Tonight, we salute you and sing your praises!”

Hmmm….so according to Ann – and this is a statement I have heard from many people, not just her – only a mother can fathom the deepest love there is. It’s similar to the statement, “You don’t know true love until you have a child.” According to Ann, it’s the moms of the United States who keep America together. The single mothers, the married mothers, the widowed mothers. The grandmothers. The wives. The sisters.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? You might recall my Mother’s Day reflections that in an aisle full of cards acknowledging Mother’s Day for mothers, for grandmothers, for mothers-in-law, for wives, for sisters, for aunts….. there was not one card for a stepmother.

You might say – as some have on Facebook on mutual friends’ postings, “Oh Southern Stepmom, why are you getting so upset about this? She was trying to be positive! She probably meant stepmothers too – stepmothers are like mothers, and you can’t break down every type of mother there possibly is so as not to offend anyone! Here she is – trying to make positive statements about women, and you’re just tearing her down, you big mean liberal!”

If Ann had meant to include stepmothers or to infer that mother applies to all women who take care of children, she could have easily said stepmothers when she referred to many types of mothers in the second quote. She could have not broken down the types of mothers at all. Or she could have not blatantly said – only a mother understands; because of mothers, there is an America.

Do I think Ann Romney hates stepmothers? No. Do I think she, like most people in America, thinks that in order to be a mother, you have to physically bring a child into this world? Yes, I do.

You may say I’m thin skinned. You may say I’m a liberal who hates Mitt Romney and wouldn’t have voted for him anyway no matter what his wife said. You may say everyone’s too concerned about being PC these days and I need to stop being such an angry woman.

If I were thin skinned, I would not have survived almost six years of being a stepmother. There is little that would have convinced me to vote for Mitt Romney, but if his wife had acknowledged me and the other 14 million stepmothers to minor children in this country, I would have definitely gained a lot of respect for him. I probably am an angry woman, but I’m an angry woman for a reason.

I have had many people praise me for my sacrifices and how I have reared my two younger belles. I don’t do it for the praise. I do it because those two kids need me. They needed a mother in their lives because their bio-mother couldn’t do it/chose not to do it herself. Yes, there are days when I want to tear my hair out. There are days when I wish the burden was a little easier, or that my husband and I could enjoy more than 3 overnight trips away by ourselves in six years. There are days when I wonder if they will ever appreciate anything that I have done for them.

But, I don’t expect you to feel sorry for me, as one person suggested. I don’t want a glowing review of my parenting. A simple thanks from my girls, or even perhaps their bio-mother one day, would be nice. But I don’t expect people to bow down at me for what I have done. It was my choice, not my obligation.

But what I would really like is for my relationship with the two girls I have raised to mean something to a school or to a doctor’s office without requiring a legal paper trail or a lengthy and expensive adoption process. I would like for my role as a de facto parent to be acknowledged in the eyes of the law, not to be considered the legal stranger to them that I am considered to be now.

That’s right, folks. My only connection to those girls that I have loved as my own and have been expected to love as my own is through my husband. I am Dad’s wife. If something were to – heaven forbid – happen to my husband tomorrow, the only connection I have to them would be severed. The state could take them from me. I would have to file for guardianship, which could be contested by the state or by any relative. If we were to – heaven forbid – divorce, I would be facing an uphill legal battle for visitation, and most states don’t even allow stepparents to petition for visitation, much less grant it.

The ugly assumptions people make about stepmothers, the ridiculous assertions people make about us – that’s all relative, but not really even the point. The point is that if Ann Romney didn’t have to specify stepmothers because stepmothers are considered valuable women in America, if motherhood wasn’t defined by biology, then there would be cards for stepmothers on Mother’s Day. There would be features on national news outlets about inspiring stepmothers on Mother’s Day, just as there are about stepfathers on Father’s Day. And most importantly – I would have legal protection for the role I play every day. I wouldn’t be “just the stepmother.” It would be me that was holding the country together too.

Happy Stepmother's Day!

Today is Stepmother's Day, a legally recognized holiday established in 2000 when a young girl requested for a special day for stepmothers around the United States. This holiday is always celebrated the Sunday after Mother's Day.

While I think it is extremely important for stepmothers to be recognized for the tremendous sacrifices they make and the love they bestow upon children they didn't give birth to, I always have mixed feelings about Stepmother's Day. To me, if stepmothers were truly honored and revered in society, there would be no need for a separate day - stepmothers could be honored alongside mothers on Mother's Day. But, I know every family and their preferences are different. I wouldn't want dear Ashley to honor me on Stepmother's Day with the younger belles because I'm not really their stepmother anymore. I mean, technically I am, but I have been raising them for so long, it seems silly to still refer to myself as their stepmother unless it's important for legal purposes. Most people in our daily lives now aren't even aware that I'm their stepmother.

However, I am still a stepmother to Oldest Belle. And in that spirit, I think it's important to address today why I'm not an active stepparent anymore to her.

Once upon a time, Oldest Belle's mother followed the visitation plan pretty well. We had Oldest Belle in our home every other weekend, some holidays and for the summer. Things were never perfect between her mother and Ashley, but it seemed that the tense years after their split had finally died down. Oldest Belle's mom was never too happy with my role in her life. Actually, if you had asked her, she would say I never had a role at all. She preferred to think of me and Ashley as glorified babysitters rather than active parents. The problem was the closer that Oldest Belle and I got, the harder her mom would make our relationship. Never mind that I had zero interest in replacing her, but I was a Capital T Threat.

The change was noticeable. Oldest Belle started backtalking me more. She began being outright rude to my family at various family functions, people who had loved her and embraced her as another family member without question. When Ashley sat Oldest Belle down to talk to her about her unacceptable behavior and told her she was not going to disrespect me - her stepmother who loved her dearly - she replied that "Southern Step/Mom isn't my stepmother!" as we weren't married at that time. This coming from a child who had been calling me her stepmother for years at this point. It was then that I realized that there was a lot of bashing of me and Ashley going on at her mother's house, more than we had previously realized.

Shortly after this, we found out that Oldest Belle's mother had been plotting to bring Ashley back to court again, for the umpteenth time over 11 years by then. She also had convinced Oldest Belle that she should testify against Ashley in court, fabricating whatever necessary in order to prove her loyalty to her mother. Ashley and her mother did go back to court over Oldest Belle one last time, and the judge refused to change anything in regards to custody. Oldest Belle's mother made it clear to Ashley then that she would not cooperate with visitation any longer, and Ashley had already brought her back to court several times by then to charge her with contempt for violating the parenting plan, only for the judges to do nothing. Her punishments were nothing more than a "slap on the wrist," a "Don't do it again" warning.

So at that point, what do you do? Most people say to continue fighting, to not give up. But what damage does that continue to do to the child when there's a parent who is unrelenting in her quest to destroy the relationship between the other parent and the child? Do you continue bringing the other parent to court, giving her more ammunition against you? Or do you back off and hope that when the child gets older, they'll understand that you backed off in hopes that the other parent would stop psychologically abusing them for simply loving you?

For more information about Parental Alienation Sydrome, here is a great introductory article. (http://fact.on.ca/Info/pas/walsh99.htm)
"Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood...It is our feeling that when attempted PAS has been identified, successful or not, it must be dealt with swiftly by the court. If it is not, it will contaminate and quietly control all other parenting issues and then lead only to unhappiness, frustration, and, lastly, parental estrangement."

Who am I? Making sure step/life doesn't consume you.

It's getting close to the five-year mark over here at Tara. Yes, that's right - I've been a Step/Mom for almost five years now. However, I'm thoroughly convinced that Step/Mom Years are like dog years, so that means I've been a Step/Mom for 35 years, right?

Being a stepmother is definitely not for the faint of heart, but I can say with absolute certainty that it's been an overall rewarding experience so far. A question I get often is, "How do you do it? How do you have such PEACE about it? How do you not let it overwhelm you?"

Well, there were definitely times where it DID overwhelm me. There were times when I did not fully understand the magnitude of the responsibility I hold. There were times when I wanted to lock myself in my room with a bottle of wine, a fluffy blanket and Alanis Morrissette on repeat. There were times when Ashley and I both had questions as to whether our relationship could survive every awful test that was thrown at us. There were times - and STILL ARE - that I question if I'm a good parent. But, there are some keys to not only surviving, but thriving through these times. I'm very thankful to be blessed with a wonderful husband and a great life, and I'm excited to see what the many years ahead bring us. I joke sometimes about how I should be a saint for surviving step/life, but the truth is I really love my life and wouldn't change it. Here's what has worked for me in thriving through step/life.

1) A solid relationship with my husband. Let's face it. You're going to have enough issues with a step-situation; the key is to minimize drama with your partner as much as possible. As a Southern belle, I am prone to dramatics, so sometimes I have to remind myself that picking a fight with my husband because I'm aggravated with the kids, with work, with school, whatever is not going to solve anything. I also have to remind myself that sometimes even when I know best (which is most of the time), I have to keep my mouth shut and let him figure it out on his own (he usually does).

There are two main components to our marriage working, and I personally feel that a lot of the responsibility in a relationship or marriage where there's a step-situation relies with the bio-parent - We put our marriage first. The belles know that they are important to us obviously, but the best way we can show the girls the importance of a healthy relationship is to demonstrate one. If we are not meeting our duties as a spouse, it can cause a lot of resentment and tension that affects the entire family. He has always respected and demanded respect of my role. Whether it's been with the belles, the bio-moms, or the in-laws, Ashley has never wavered in making sure everyone involved understood that I have a valid, important role in the girls' lives and that I was not to be treated otherwise. Now, whether or not I have always been treated that way by the others in the step-situation....I'm sure you can guess as to how that turned out. But, his disapproval of any disrespect toward me was duly noted!

Mostly, however, we make sure that our life doesn't revolve around the step-situation. This is of course much easier now that we are (hopefully! *knocks on the closest piece of wood*) done with the trials and tribulations of Family Court. But our life revolves around doing activities and outings with the kids, taking vacations and spending time with each other, discussing sports, politics and religion (all of which we argue about), and enjoying each other's company. We don't discuss the step-situation that often anymore, usually only when necessary, and that allows our relationship to be about us and not being comrades in battle. There's a definite peace and sense of normalcy that comes with that, and it's very freeing.

2) I genuinely like the belles and enjoy my role in their lives. I know this one isn't always easy, and I don't think it's a requirement, but it definitely makes step/life easier if you can achieve it. Even with Oldest Belle, with whom my relationship with has changed dramatically in the past 2.5 years, I try to remind myself of the good times and her positive attributes (of which she has many). As for the younger belles, well now that I'm Mom for all intents and purposes, it's made it a lot easier for me to be a Step/Mom. In fact, I often forget I am "just" Step/Mom, seeing as I've been raising them for so long. This doesn't mean that we're always happy with each other or that I always get along with them. It does mean there's an overall solidity to our relationship, and that's important.

I more than anyone know that sometimes it can be difficult to enjoy your role in your stepkids' lives. I wish I had the opportunity to still be the involved Step/Mom I once was to Oldest Belle before PAS took over (PAS is a deeply involved topic that will be discussed in a separate post). Sometimes, no matter how hard you try however, it simply isn't that way. Which leads me to my next topic.....

3) Accepting it for what it is. This is something that has taken me a L-O-N-G time to get to. I still have my struggles with acceptance every once in a while. But it is so important and a key to your sanity. I have come to realize that acceptance is not allowing yourself to be a doormat and letting everyone else have a say in your life. It is having conviction that you are doing the best you can in the situation you've been given, and the understanding that the only person you have the power to change is yourself.

I cannot change the negative feelings others have about me and my role as a Step/Mom when they do not understand the full situation. I cannot go back in time and make the younger belles' bio-mom care enough about her unborn children to not abuse drugs during her pregnancy. I cannot force Oldest Belle's bio-mom to recognize the important and crucial role my husband holds as their daughter's father, especially during these teenage years. I cannot make my Oldest Belle appreciate her father's contributions to her life. I cannot force other people to understand the importance of fathers and equal parenting. I cannot change the broken and corrupt family court system in this country. I cannot make my in-laws sane. AMEN!

BUT, I can change myself. I can accept those things that I cannot change, and I can try my hardest to enact good out of the bad. I can educate others about step-situations, I can offer support and guidance to others in similar situations, I can donate to causes I believe in that may change these situations for families like ours in the future. I can't change everything, but I can appreciate the lessons the challenges have taught me and I can use these lessons to make myself a better wife and parent.

4) Having a solid support system. I have been immensely blessed with a strong support system of other women who are also Step/Moms. These women have offered prayers, hugs, guidance and a cheering section when I needed one the most. There have been times when no one else could understand how I felt, but they did because they had been through it themselves. Knowing others who "get it" is something that cannot be understated. It's sustained me when I didn't think things could get any worse. It's rewarded me when I had people to share the wonderful positives with. Their friendship and love has been so crucial to me that I can't begin to fathom how other women go through step-life without such a support system.

5) Not defining myself as only a Step/Mom. Being a Step/Mom takes up a LOT of my time, but I've always tried to ensure it doesn't take up ALL of my time. I'll be honest - I'm not a huge fan of women who only define themselves as "Mommy." Being a Mom is definitely one of the most important roles I'll ever have, but I didn't stop being Southern Step/Mom just because I became a parent. I'm a wife, a daughter, a granddaughter, a cousin, a friend. I'm a sorority sister, a coworker, a graduate student. I'm a dancer, a writer, a reader, a singer. You get the idea. I've continually pursued other interests throughout my step/life that have nothing to do with being a Step/Mom because it's important. I want my girls to know that there is so much more to being a woman than being a parent.

6) My faith. I'll admit. I'm not the type of person you'll find screaming praises everywhere. I'm the first to say I'm not anywhere close to being the perfect Christian. There have definitely been times where I've lapsed, where I've shaken my fist in anger at God for the situations we've been thrown in. However, I can't discount the significant peace I've gotten from quiet reflection, prayer and mediation. Sometimes when I can't get a handle on the acceptance I preached about earlier, I turn it over to a higher power because I can't handle it by myself. I don't think a particular faith is a prerequisite for surviving and thriving in step/life, but I do think that having some type of faith or moral code to turn to is important.

Are there some tips from the pros you'd like to share? Things you agree or disagree with? Feel free to let me know!

Gabrielle Giffords and an inspiring, positive Step/Mom story

It's not often that I stumble across stepmother stories that are not only realistic but actually celebrate a step/mother's contribution to her family, so you can imagine my delight when I read this story about U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and her own Southern Belles-in-Training.

You're likely familiar with Rep. Giffords from the horrific shooting she survived in January, but you maybe were not aware that she is also a childless stepmom.  Becoming a step/mom to two teenage girls is not for the faint of heart, so this factoid about Giffords only made me like her more.  Colleen Curry of ABC News explored this stepmother/stepdaughter relationship in her recent story about Giffords and her stepdaughters.

The story is heartwarming and deserves a thorough reading, but my favorite part is this mature insight from Giffords' older stepdaughter, Claudia:

"'I took Gabby for granted for so long, and I'm lucky I got a second chance to build a relationship with her,' Claudia said.  She encouraged her friends to repair relationships with their own parents and stepparents."
     -Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords' Shooting Closed Gulf Between Her and Stepdaughters

Most step/mothers, like Giffords, just wanted to be an accepted and cherished member of their family.  I think especially for childless step/mothers there is a strong desire to be an important female role model for our stepchildren.  Again, this does not mean we want to replace the bio-mom or overstep our boundaries, but we do love our husbands or partners and therefore we willingly invest a lot of time and love in our relationship in his children.

No one wants to feel insignificant or unwelcome, particularly in their own home.  Why, then, is it OK for step/mothers to be the marginalized member of the family, and oftentimes despite their reduced status in their home they are still expected to give 110% of themselves to the family?  The fact is - it's not OK.  Step/mothers deserve much more respect in their families and in society than they are often given.  Unfortunately, it took Giffords' stepdaughters almost losing her to understand her value to their lives and their family.

Fortunately, as Claudia said, they have a second chance.  I hope stories like Giffords' help put a more empathetic and human face on stepmothering than the Disney tales we have grown accustomed to.