The problem with being the present parent

So sorry for my extended absence, dear readers. I promise it wasn't intentional - it's just that 2014 was quite the busy year at Tara. But have no fear, as one of my New Year's resolutions is to blog more, especially after the encouragement I received from one of the editors I work with through my actual job to write more. So, here it is!

So...the problem with being the present parent, you ask? What's that supposed to mean? Well, it occurred to me as I yet again, for the umpteenth time earlier this week as I had to set boundaries on the electronics Jade and Gabby received for Christmas, that there are some perks to being the absent parent. Ashley and I have had a rather interesting few months as the girls thought they were being sneaky online, only to realize that Mom and Dad know a lot more about the Internet than they do. As a result, there have been groundings, extra chores and a lot of time spent being the rule enforcer.

Here's a dirty secret of parenting no one bothers to tell you before you get into it - no one actually likes being the rule enforcer. Well, maybe some authoritarian parents do, but not most of us. It's hard work to put your foot down, say no, and stick to it. It's even harder when you work all day, come home to cook dinner, do dishes, do the laundry, AND be the rule enforcer. It would be a lot easier for all of us if Jade and Gabby just followed the rules all the time. But of course, preteens - especially preteens who love to be oppositional - are practically required to break rules. Which is all the more reason why it's so important to enforce rules and boundaries.

But, I'm not a perfect parent. Especially after a busy few months at work, combined with some health issues I continue to face, it's quite exasperating to be the present parent most days. So, do I lose my patience at times? Yes. Are there moments that I look back and go, "Alright, Southern Step/Mom, you could have totally handled that better." Of course there are. All this means there are times where the kids don't see me at my best. Just as with spouses, when you live day in and day out with someone, you see all sides of them - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

But when you're the absent parent, like Jade and Gabby's bio-mom Maggie, you get to be whatever your bio-kids choose to see you as. Some kids see their absent parent for who they are, but as I saw plenty of times when I worked in child welfare, it's easy for many kids to sanctify their absent parent. The kid comes up with any and every excuse in the book as to why the absent parent is really the "good" parent, because it's easy to ignore the parent's faults when they aren't in your face every day. It's easy to think that life would be so much better with the absent parent because the absent parent never has to enforce rules, set boundaries, or....well, be a parent.

This is why I firmly believe it's so much easier to give birth to a child than it is to be a mother. Any woman, theoretically barring any physical issues, can give birth, but to actually stick it out through the next 18 years and raise that child? Well, childbirth sounds a lot easier than people would have you think compared to 18 years of active child-rearing. Maybe it's not as physically painful, but it surely can't be any more emotionally trying.

So do I expect the girls to appreciate all Ashley and I do for them and sacrifice for them now? No, but I do hope that when they are adults, they realize that despite our faults, being the present parents takes guts, determination and an inner strength that no one really explains before you become a parent, and that they cut us a little slack for being imperfect.

Uh oh! It's "big girl" time!

Don't tell Ashley, but it seems we're about to start this rocky roller coaster called puberty at Tara. Last month, we escaped town for the weekend and while we were waltzing around a theme park, I noticed Youngest Belle looked like she might be getting ready for training bras soon. Then the other night, Middle Belle approached me with "Mom, I need to talk to you about something in private." It seems Youngest Belle may not be alone in her new wardrobe addition.

It's a really weird experience to be a Step/Mom in a situation like this. I absolutely DREAD going to new doctors for this exact reason. I know way more about my husband's ex-wife's pregnancies and birthing experiences than I ever needed to know, for the record. Then the doctors ask awesome questions about bio-mom's puberty experience. Really??? Do I LOOK like I would know the answers to these questions? Hold on, lemme dial her up real quick and see what happened, even though I've only spoken to her once in the past six years. Wait, now that you mention it, she DID leave a detailed medical history before checking out. Seriously?!

So, your guess is as good as mine as to what we can expect as the girls become young women and when we can expect it. It's a good thing I paid attention in my biology classes is all I have to say.

It's also an entirely different experience going through this as a custodial Step/Mom than when I went through this with Oldest Belle as a noncustodial Step/Mom. Part of me is grateful that Oldest Belle trusted me enough to ask all sorts of questions, things that she blatantly admitted she did not feel comfortable asking her mom about (and of course Dad was totally off-limits), even if it was sometimes uncomfortable/awkward for both of us. But it's nice to know that I can guide the girls through this rocky road without the interference of a bio-mom, my sister-in-law, and my mother-in-law, all of whom thought I was totally incompetent in handling such issues and liked to question my competency in front of Oldest Belle. Of course since I was just Dad's fiancee and never gave birth to any children, I clearly don't understand basic biology, let alone be trusted to explain such issues to a preteen.

Of course, with the younger belles' developmental delays (thanks, bio-mom!) and Middle Belle's...sensitive emotional psyche, shall we say, I think know we are in for a rough ride as puberty approaches. Therefore, Southern Step/Mom is gleefully accepting any and all gifts of alcoholic refreshments that may make this road a little easier. These girls are going to give me hell, bless their hearts.

Happy Stepmother's Day!

Today is Stepmother's Day, a legally recognized holiday established in 2000 when a young girl requested for a special day for stepmothers around the United States. This holiday is always celebrated the Sunday after Mother's Day.

While I think it is extremely important for stepmothers to be recognized for the tremendous sacrifices they make and the love they bestow upon children they didn't give birth to, I always have mixed feelings about Stepmother's Day. To me, if stepmothers were truly honored and revered in society, there would be no need for a separate day - stepmothers could be honored alongside mothers on Mother's Day. But, I know every family and their preferences are different. I wouldn't want dear Ashley to honor me on Stepmother's Day with the younger belles because I'm not really their stepmother anymore. I mean, technically I am, but I have been raising them for so long, it seems silly to still refer to myself as their stepmother unless it's important for legal purposes. Most people in our daily lives now aren't even aware that I'm their stepmother.

However, I am still a stepmother to Oldest Belle. And in that spirit, I think it's important to address today why I'm not an active stepparent anymore to her.

Once upon a time, Oldest Belle's mother followed the visitation plan pretty well. We had Oldest Belle in our home every other weekend, some holidays and for the summer. Things were never perfect between her mother and Ashley, but it seemed that the tense years after their split had finally died down. Oldest Belle's mom was never too happy with my role in her life. Actually, if you had asked her, she would say I never had a role at all. She preferred to think of me and Ashley as glorified babysitters rather than active parents. The problem was the closer that Oldest Belle and I got, the harder her mom would make our relationship. Never mind that I had zero interest in replacing her, but I was a Capital T Threat.

The change was noticeable. Oldest Belle started backtalking me more. She began being outright rude to my family at various family functions, people who had loved her and embraced her as another family member without question. When Ashley sat Oldest Belle down to talk to her about her unacceptable behavior and told her she was not going to disrespect me - her stepmother who loved her dearly - she replied that "Southern Step/Mom isn't my stepmother!" as we weren't married at that time. This coming from a child who had been calling me her stepmother for years at this point. It was then that I realized that there was a lot of bashing of me and Ashley going on at her mother's house, more than we had previously realized.

Shortly after this, we found out that Oldest Belle's mother had been plotting to bring Ashley back to court again, for the umpteenth time over 11 years by then. She also had convinced Oldest Belle that she should testify against Ashley in court, fabricating whatever necessary in order to prove her loyalty to her mother. Ashley and her mother did go back to court over Oldest Belle one last time, and the judge refused to change anything in regards to custody. Oldest Belle's mother made it clear to Ashley then that she would not cooperate with visitation any longer, and Ashley had already brought her back to court several times by then to charge her with contempt for violating the parenting plan, only for the judges to do nothing. Her punishments were nothing more than a "slap on the wrist," a "Don't do it again" warning.

So at that point, what do you do? Most people say to continue fighting, to not give up. But what damage does that continue to do to the child when there's a parent who is unrelenting in her quest to destroy the relationship between the other parent and the child? Do you continue bringing the other parent to court, giving her more ammunition against you? Or do you back off and hope that when the child gets older, they'll understand that you backed off in hopes that the other parent would stop psychologically abusing them for simply loving you?

For more information about Parental Alienation Sydrome, here is a great introductory article. (http://fact.on.ca/Info/pas/walsh99.htm)
"Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood...It is our feeling that when attempted PAS has been identified, successful or not, it must be dealt with swiftly by the court. If it is not, it will contaminate and quietly control all other parenting issues and then lead only to unhappiness, frustration, and, lastly, parental estrangement."