The problem with being the present parent

So sorry for my extended absence, dear readers. I promise it wasn't intentional - it's just that 2014 was quite the busy year at Tara. But have no fear, as one of my New Year's resolutions is to blog more, especially after the encouragement I received from one of the editors I work with through my actual job to write more. So, here it is!

So...the problem with being the present parent, you ask? What's that supposed to mean? Well, it occurred to me as I yet again, for the umpteenth time earlier this week as I had to set boundaries on the electronics Jade and Gabby received for Christmas, that there are some perks to being the absent parent. Ashley and I have had a rather interesting few months as the girls thought they were being sneaky online, only to realize that Mom and Dad know a lot more about the Internet than they do. As a result, there have been groundings, extra chores and a lot of time spent being the rule enforcer.

Here's a dirty secret of parenting no one bothers to tell you before you get into it - no one actually likes being the rule enforcer. Well, maybe some authoritarian parents do, but not most of us. It's hard work to put your foot down, say no, and stick to it. It's even harder when you work all day, come home to cook dinner, do dishes, do the laundry, AND be the rule enforcer. It would be a lot easier for all of us if Jade and Gabby just followed the rules all the time. But of course, preteens - especially preteens who love to be oppositional - are practically required to break rules. Which is all the more reason why it's so important to enforce rules and boundaries.

But, I'm not a perfect parent. Especially after a busy few months at work, combined with some health issues I continue to face, it's quite exasperating to be the present parent most days. So, do I lose my patience at times? Yes. Are there moments that I look back and go, "Alright, Southern Step/Mom, you could have totally handled that better." Of course there are. All this means there are times where the kids don't see me at my best. Just as with spouses, when you live day in and day out with someone, you see all sides of them - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

But when you're the absent parent, like Jade and Gabby's bio-mom Maggie, you get to be whatever your bio-kids choose to see you as. Some kids see their absent parent for who they are, but as I saw plenty of times when I worked in child welfare, it's easy for many kids to sanctify their absent parent. The kid comes up with any and every excuse in the book as to why the absent parent is really the "good" parent, because it's easy to ignore the parent's faults when they aren't in your face every day. It's easy to think that life would be so much better with the absent parent because the absent parent never has to enforce rules, set boundaries, or....well, be a parent.

This is why I firmly believe it's so much easier to give birth to a child than it is to be a mother. Any woman, theoretically barring any physical issues, can give birth, but to actually stick it out through the next 18 years and raise that child? Well, childbirth sounds a lot easier than people would have you think compared to 18 years of active child-rearing. Maybe it's not as physically painful, but it surely can't be any more emotionally trying.

So do I expect the girls to appreciate all Ashley and I do for them and sacrifice for them now? No, but I do hope that when they are adults, they realize that despite our faults, being the present parents takes guts, determination and an inner strength that no one really explains before you become a parent, and that they cut us a little slack for being imperfect.

The Hot Mess Express

I have to admit that it's difficult, to say the least, for me to cut Jade and Gabby's bio-mom any slack. I'm a Christian woman, and my own mother often tells me I should love her for the sake of the girls, or that I should feel sorry for her because addiction is a terrible thing.

Addiction is a terrible thing. I'm certainly not trying to minimize the mental illness that it is. But Maggie, their bio-mom, goes so far beyond simple addiction. A pathological liar, a narcissist, a complete and total Hot Mess as I like to call it.

Her latest cry for attention is her incessant posting on Facebook, and she loves to act like Mother of the Year, in between her posts filled with profanity where she likes to go on about very motherly, mature things like sleeping around and dirty lingerie. Not to be outdone, she sprinkles those posts with how much she loves Jesus and how He has saved her life.

Basically, I would say she's an overgrown teenager, but I know teenagers that are better behaved than her.

I think my favorite recently was her post about how she's not just a mother, but a chauffeur, an alarm clock, a waitress, a referee, etc. She hasn't seen her children in almost nine years now, but yet she reposts a picture saying "Like if you will ALWAYS be there for your kids!" I often wonder just how far detached from reality she really is.

Don't worry, Maggie - you enjoy your Facebook time while I do the actual parenting. I've got it all taken care of.

To have kids or not? The childless step/mom's dilemma

As time goes on, I find more and more moms and dads popping up around me. The friends that I spent many a fun-filled night with, family members I grew up with, and even childhood friends - all of them seem to be joining the parent ranks. All of them, however, are joining the parent ranks the traditional way. I feel like I've been on the island alone for a few years, and now everyone's boats are invading. After all, because I became a Step/Mom in my last few years of college, I was the only one with kidlets to worry about - the token mom friend. Now, it seems every time I log into Facebook, someone else is announcing a pregnancy or showing off pictures of their little ones.

Don't get me wrong. I am over the moon excited for my friends and family. I love seeing baby pictures and buying baby clothes and accessories. I love playing Auntie Southern Step/Mom because I don't have any nieces or nephews to dote on. But, as my friends and family go through Babygate 2012-2013, it has led me to reflect on my own reproductive choices and has stirred up some memories and feelings that I haven't visited in a long time.

When people find out that I am the Younger Belles' (we'll start to call them Jade - Middle Belle - and Gabby - Youngest Belle - for clarity's sake) Step/Mom and that I don't have any children of my own, it's almost inevitable that the next question comes:

"I don't mean to be too personal, but are you and Ashley planning on having kids of your own?"

I never know how to answer this question. It's not because I don't know the answer; yes, Ashley and I would like to have a child of our own. It's because I never know how the other person will take it. Will they think I'm selfish for wanting a child that shares my DNA, that I can look into his or her eyes and see my own, that I can raise from birth without interference? Will they think I'm wanting a child of my own to put the other belles on the back burner, or will they think I'm being selfish because Ashley already has enough children to raise?

People often think they are being kind or giving gentle advice, but the truth is, it can cut me to the core. It seems that everyone has an opinion on my barren uterus and everyone feels entitled to voice it. I've had both family members and friends say to just enjoy being "like a mom" to Jade and Gabby, that we don't really need another child in our house, that we can't really afford it, that we already have enough to deal with especially with Jade and Gabby's issues, and why would we want to start over when they are already halfway out the house? I have sat while Ashley's friends have joked about "Not another kid!" to him while I bared and grinned it. I have listened to others joke about how we already have our hands full and don't need another one and pretended that it's hilarious to think that we would want to have a child of our own. I have even resorted to joking when people ask me if we want to have a child by saying that I'll just have a child and put him or her up for adoption at age 2 so that I can say I've been full circle since I've already done age 2 and up.

The truth is, it's not funny at all. The truth is, if I'm laughing about it, it's only because it is easier to laugh and pretend like I don't care than to actually show how deep it hurts. I'm selfless for raising these girls, but I'm selfish for wanting to have one of my own is the constant message so many people - friends, family, strangers, society - give me.

Jade and Gabby have always been enthusiastic about us having a baby. It was always Becca - Oldest Belle - that had an issue with it. She loved me, but she couldn't stand the thought of Ashley and I having a baby, even though her mom and stepdad also have a child of their own. There were times that her words literally drove me to tears because she was so hurtful in that thoughtless teenage way. But the most hurtful experience came from someone on my sidelines, a friend of mine.

One April Fools' Day years ago, Ashley thought it would be hysterical to post a sonogram picture on Facebook and to tell people that we were expecting. I'm good-natured and like a funny joke, so I played along. I didn't express to him, however, that I was a little reluctant because I was wary of one of the responses I gave above from one of his friends. A good friend of mine for many years was very excited about the possibility of us having a baby, and so she was very disappointed when we revealed it was a joke. She posted about her genuine disappointment on a mutual friend's wall. Our friend responded to the post by saying, "I told you not to get excited because it had to have been a joke! They have too many freaking kids already!"

I cried over that post for almost half an hour. It wasn't something I hadn't heard before, but it was the first time I had heard it from one of my friends. I expected that kind of thought process from my family, from Becca, from Ashley's friends and family. But to hear one of my own friends say it - it cut deep.

I never have confronted my friend about what she said. I doubt she realized that I saw it, and I didn't want to bring it up and make it even more awkward than I already felt. But if I'm being completely honest, I didn't want to find out if she knew that I would see it because that would hurt even more if she did it hoping I would see it.

As it stands, I do want a baby. I don't want a baby now, however, and if I am being completely honest, it is almost entirely because of how dependent Jade and Gabby are still on us and the magnitude of the issues they have because of their bio-mom's prenatal drug use and neglect. I can't help but acknowledge that if things were different, it's very likely if not certain that Ashley and I would already be expecting or have a little one of our own. This doesn't mean that I resent the belles - I would never place that burden on a child. It also doesn't mean that I resent Ashley and his past choices. I love my husband and recognize that his past - both the good and the bad - have made him the husband that I adore, and for that, I appreciate how it has made him into the man that I admire. I also acknowledge that I made this choice willingly - no one forced me to marry Ashley and become a Step/Mom. I did so of my own volition and happily so. It doesn't mean, however, that I haven't made choices that I probably wouldn't have otherwise, as in I probably would already be a bio-mom if it weren't for the realities of 100% custodial stepparenting. It doesn't mean that I want pity. I just want to be understood. I just want to not be judged for wanting to experience pregnancy, childbirth and traditional motherhood - some things that millions of women experience every day and are never judged for it. Why should I be any different?

When Ashley and I went to court to terminate Jade and Gabby's bio-mom's parental rights, I received a phone call that every woman dreads from her OBGYN's office. I was literally standing outside the courthouse the day of the final hearing, waiting for our turn, when my cell phone rang. My test results had come back abnormal and they wanted me to come in as soon as possible for additional testing to determine the cause. I sobbed as the worst case scenarios ran through my mind. Was it cancer? Would I need to have major surgery? Would I be able to have children? Then, I got angry. Here I am, terrified that I may never be able to experience the joy of having a child of my own as we waited to terminate the parental rights to a woman who gets pregnant and gives birth repeatedly with no caution, planning or concern, and then abandons her children over and over again. What kind of cosmic irony would that be for me to be destined to raise the children of a woman who gives birth so carelessly and takes advantage of the gift that would not bless me?

Luckily, it was just a scare and my doctor determined after additional testing that I was fine. But that fear, that pain, has seared my conscience. I know of women who have been dealt that card. I also know of women whose husbands said they wanted to have children with them, but years later changed their minds and decided that they were done with having children even though their wives had never been afforded that opportunity. How do you continue to put your trust in someone when the rules of the game have been changed? Is it OK to deem your wife "good enough" to raise your children, but to also tell her to stop being selfish for wanting a child of her own?

Why is it selfless to raise another's child, but selfish to want to bring another child into the picture? Why does everyone think it's OK to give their opinion, but for no one to consider that maybe their "cold, hard truth" is a little too cold and too hard for something as personal, intimate and life-changing as a couple's decision to have a child?

Just think - if everyone cared as much about their own reproductive choices as know-it-alls seem to care about mine, there would be a lot less abused, abandoned and neglected children in the world!

Long Distance Stepparenting

I am very pleased to announce my first post from a guest writer! My amazing friend Sarah offered to share her experience as a stepmother whose stepdaughter lives far away from her and her husband, Charlie. I share Sarah's story in hopes of reminding my fair readers that it takes all kinds of stepparenting to make the world go round (that's how the saying goes, right?! I kid, I kid.) and that each type of stepparenting has its own challenges and blessings. I also empathize with Sarah as a fellow long-distance stepmother in my situation with Oldest Belle, and I hope Sarah's story provides all of you with great insight and understanding. Thank you, dear Sarah, for sharing your story!

Cheers, Southern Step/Mom

We weren’t always a long distance family. When I met my husband Charlie 5 years ago, he was fully custodial to a bubbly 4 year old girl. I fell in love with both of them almost immediately. I delighted in his use of Frizz-Ease in her unruly curls and the way he could get her to dissolve into giggles even when she was in the midst of a tantrum. I thought he was a fantastic partner and father. We had sporadic Date Nights, but for the most part we just all hung out together. Being part of a “family” felt natural and we settled into an easy household routine. One thing I especially loved about my stepdaughter Bridget was that she would eat anything I cooked; I considered myself unbelievably lucky to have this great kid in my life who wasn’t a picky eater.

Then Charlie, who is in the military, was temporarily moved from our city to the other side of the country for half a year. I was blessed at the time to be working from home, so I was able to accompany him. Bridget went to live 300 miles away with her mom. My relationship with Charlie deepened during that time, but my relationship with Bridget was nonexistent. I tried sending Christmas and birthday gifts to her. They were returned, unopened, with a comment passed through Charlie that Bridget’s mom was uncomfortable with it. She was also uncomfortable with me talking to Bridget on the phone.

When Charlie’s assignment ended and we returned to our city I was eager to resume a normal life with him and, of course, Bridget. But Bridget was...different. Sullen. ANGRY. She was also confused. She didn’t understand that she didn’t live with us anymore, that living with her mom was permanent and she was only visiting. She acted out and Charlie allowed it. Things she NEVER would have gotten away with before were now perfectly fine. She picked at her dinners and hated anything placed in front of her, even foods she had gobbled up less than a year prior. Charlie accused me of deliberately making unusual dishes and acted as if spaghetti was haute cuisine. Any attempt I made to discipline her was undermined, often in front of her.

What had happened to our easy household routine, to our family? Every night I looked forward to her bedtime so that I could sneak some quality time in with Charlie, but bedtime never came. He hadn’t seen Bridget in so long that he couldn’t bear to put her to bed at night and refused say no to any request from her, but it was coming at the cost our relationship. Charlie and I started arguing about petty household issues, about discipline, about EVERYTHING. My life was being run by a 5-year-old who demanded ice cream cones and fast food twice a day and stayed up until 1 a.m. My husband indulged every whim and shouted at me if I tried to rein them in. When Bridget returned to her mom, my husband retreated to his workshop and sulked for days, refusing to talk to me, only staring blankly at the wall and saying how awful his life was without Bridget. I felt rejected as a stepparent and dismissed as a wife.

I told myself that we all just needed time to adjust to this new arrangement and that things would improve. I prayed to have my loving partner back. I prayed to have the little girl I loved so much back. I prayed to have my family back.

Every other weekend, we spent 6 hours in the car on Saturday morning and another 6 hours in the car on Sunday afternoon to have her for one night. Charlie would keep her up all night trying to squeeze in every possible moment of fun time and then she’d pass out in the car on the way home. Attending a birthday party or school play required taking vacation days and a hotel stay in Bridget’s city – assuming, of course, that we were invited to attend those things at all. Sometimes we simply could not afford it and we missed important events.

It started wearing all of us down so Charlie and his ex-wife agreed to decrease visitation to one weekend a month instead, usually whatever school holiday Bridget had so that we could have more time with her. I stopped going on the drive so that Charlie and Bridget could have alone time in the car and, quite honestly, I needed the time to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the hurricane of commotion in our home that comes with having a child you can't parent in a "traditional" way in your care. By that, I mean the custodial agreement didn't truly allow for us to enjoy both the normal fun and the gentle discipling that comes with traditional parenting when you have a child with you for more than an extended weekend here and there.

Bridget’s mom remarried last summer. Her new husband, who is also in the military, is stationed over 1000 miles away. Our long distance family suddenly got a LOT more distant. Visits now require a plane ride, a lot of planning and a fairly substantial amount of money. One weekend a month has turned into one weekend every three to six months. Bridget has her own life in her new city and I feel like I barely know her anymore. She seemed to go from preschooler to tween in the blink of an eye and I’ve missed out on most of it. She tells me she can’t recall a time when I wasn’t a part her life, but I don’t FEEL like part of her life. I don’t feel like a family anymore.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t know if we’ll ever be close to each other again, physically or emotionally. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel like part of a family again, but I’m still praying for it.

Uh oh! It's "big girl" time!

Don't tell Ashley, but it seems we're about to start this rocky roller coaster called puberty at Tara. Last month, we escaped town for the weekend and while we were waltzing around a theme park, I noticed Youngest Belle looked like she might be getting ready for training bras soon. Then the other night, Middle Belle approached me with "Mom, I need to talk to you about something in private." It seems Youngest Belle may not be alone in her new wardrobe addition.

It's a really weird experience to be a Step/Mom in a situation like this. I absolutely DREAD going to new doctors for this exact reason. I know way more about my husband's ex-wife's pregnancies and birthing experiences than I ever needed to know, for the record. Then the doctors ask awesome questions about bio-mom's puberty experience. Really??? Do I LOOK like I would know the answers to these questions? Hold on, lemme dial her up real quick and see what happened, even though I've only spoken to her once in the past six years. Wait, now that you mention it, she DID leave a detailed medical history before checking out. Seriously?!

So, your guess is as good as mine as to what we can expect as the girls become young women and when we can expect it. It's a good thing I paid attention in my biology classes is all I have to say.

It's also an entirely different experience going through this as a custodial Step/Mom than when I went through this with Oldest Belle as a noncustodial Step/Mom. Part of me is grateful that Oldest Belle trusted me enough to ask all sorts of questions, things that she blatantly admitted she did not feel comfortable asking her mom about (and of course Dad was totally off-limits), even if it was sometimes uncomfortable/awkward for both of us. But it's nice to know that I can guide the girls through this rocky road without the interference of a bio-mom, my sister-in-law, and my mother-in-law, all of whom thought I was totally incompetent in handling such issues and liked to question my competency in front of Oldest Belle. Of course since I was just Dad's fiancee and never gave birth to any children, I clearly don't understand basic biology, let alone be trusted to explain such issues to a preteen.

Of course, with the younger belles' developmental delays (thanks, bio-mom!) and Middle Belle's...sensitive emotional psyche, shall we say, I think know we are in for a rough ride as puberty approaches. Therefore, Southern Step/Mom is gleefully accepting any and all gifts of alcoholic refreshments that may make this road a little easier. These girls are going to give me hell, bless their hearts.