Ann Romney: Does addressing mothers count as addressing stepmothers too?

I try to leave politics off my blog because I realize that it’s a polarizing topic and I strive to not alienate my readers. However, the Republican National Convention last week in Tampa unknowingly gave an interesting view into how many people in this country view alternative forms of parenting, and it deserves to be addressed.

I shouldn’t go any further without being honest – much to Ashley’s dismay, I am a registered Democrat. I don’t always vote within party lines or agree with every portion of the party platform. However, I am a liberal, especially on social issues, so my view of the current GOP and their policies toward women is not very positive to begin with.

With that being said, Ann Romney’s speech piqued my interest. I have nothing against the woman personally, other than I think she is a bit naïve and out of touch regarding how most women in this country live. I think she’s very admirable, especially with all of her medical battles, and I don’t begrudge her for being a stay-at-home parent. Because she comes across as genuine to me, I wanted to hear her speech in the hopes of seeing a different side of Mitt Romney.

But what I got out of it was what I like to call “Mommy Superiority Syndrome.” Some of the gems of her speech:

“I want to talk to you about that love so deep, only a mother can fathom it. The love that we have for our children and our children's children.”

“And if you listen carefully, you'll hear the women sighing a little bit more than the men. It's how it is, isn't it? It's the moms who have always had to work a little harder to make everything right. It's the moms of this nation, single, married, widowed, who really hold the country together. We're the mothers. We're the wives. We're the grandmothers. We're the big sisters. We're the little sisters and we are the daughters.”

“You are the best of America. You are the hope of America. There would not be an America without you. Tonight, we salute you and sing your praises!”

Hmmm….so according to Ann – and this is a statement I have heard from many people, not just her – only a mother can fathom the deepest love there is. It’s similar to the statement, “You don’t know true love until you have a child.” According to Ann, it’s the moms of the United States who keep America together. The single mothers, the married mothers, the widowed mothers. The grandmothers. The wives. The sisters.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? You might recall my Mother’s Day reflections that in an aisle full of cards acknowledging Mother’s Day for mothers, for grandmothers, for mothers-in-law, for wives, for sisters, for aunts….. there was not one card for a stepmother.

You might say – as some have on Facebook on mutual friends’ postings, “Oh Southern Stepmom, why are you getting so upset about this? She was trying to be positive! She probably meant stepmothers too – stepmothers are like mothers, and you can’t break down every type of mother there possibly is so as not to offend anyone! Here she is – trying to make positive statements about women, and you’re just tearing her down, you big mean liberal!”

If Ann had meant to include stepmothers or to infer that mother applies to all women who take care of children, she could have easily said stepmothers when she referred to many types of mothers in the second quote. She could have not broken down the types of mothers at all. Or she could have not blatantly said – only a mother understands; because of mothers, there is an America.

Do I think Ann Romney hates stepmothers? No. Do I think she, like most people in America, thinks that in order to be a mother, you have to physically bring a child into this world? Yes, I do.

You may say I’m thin skinned. You may say I’m a liberal who hates Mitt Romney and wouldn’t have voted for him anyway no matter what his wife said. You may say everyone’s too concerned about being PC these days and I need to stop being such an angry woman.

If I were thin skinned, I would not have survived almost six years of being a stepmother. There is little that would have convinced me to vote for Mitt Romney, but if his wife had acknowledged me and the other 14 million stepmothers to minor children in this country, I would have definitely gained a lot of respect for him. I probably am an angry woman, but I’m an angry woman for a reason.

I have had many people praise me for my sacrifices and how I have reared my two younger belles. I don’t do it for the praise. I do it because those two kids need me. They needed a mother in their lives because their bio-mother couldn’t do it/chose not to do it herself. Yes, there are days when I want to tear my hair out. There are days when I wish the burden was a little easier, or that my husband and I could enjoy more than 3 overnight trips away by ourselves in six years. There are days when I wonder if they will ever appreciate anything that I have done for them.

But, I don’t expect you to feel sorry for me, as one person suggested. I don’t want a glowing review of my parenting. A simple thanks from my girls, or even perhaps their bio-mother one day, would be nice. But I don’t expect people to bow down at me for what I have done. It was my choice, not my obligation.

But what I would really like is for my relationship with the two girls I have raised to mean something to a school or to a doctor’s office without requiring a legal paper trail or a lengthy and expensive adoption process. I would like for my role as a de facto parent to be acknowledged in the eyes of the law, not to be considered the legal stranger to them that I am considered to be now.

That’s right, folks. My only connection to those girls that I have loved as my own and have been expected to love as my own is through my husband. I am Dad’s wife. If something were to – heaven forbid – happen to my husband tomorrow, the only connection I have to them would be severed. The state could take them from me. I would have to file for guardianship, which could be contested by the state or by any relative. If we were to – heaven forbid – divorce, I would be facing an uphill legal battle for visitation, and most states don’t even allow stepparents to petition for visitation, much less grant it.

The ugly assumptions people make about stepmothers, the ridiculous assertions people make about us – that’s all relative, but not really even the point. The point is that if Ann Romney didn’t have to specify stepmothers because stepmothers are considered valuable women in America, if motherhood wasn’t defined by biology, then there would be cards for stepmothers on Mother’s Day. There would be features on national news outlets about inspiring stepmothers on Mother’s Day, just as there are about stepfathers on Father’s Day. And most importantly – I would have legal protection for the role I play every day. I wouldn’t be “just the stepmother.” It would be me that was holding the country together too.

A letter to my girls on Mother's Day

"Once there were two women who never knew each other. One you do not remember, the other you call Mother...The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it. The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it." - Unknown

This is the sixth Mother's Day we've now shared together, and I hope you know how each year, you make it more special for me. I know as you get older, you'll probably have some more questions about our family and about you and me. I feel like today is a good day for me to explain why the special things you and Daddy do for me on Mother's Day mean so much, so that maybe when you are older, you'll understand better.

See, I don't know what you looked like when you were born. I mean, I DO, but not from memory, just from pictures I've seen. I don't remember the feeling of you kicking inside me that everyone says is pretty cool, but I have no first hand knowledge of. I can't tell you what your first word was, or when you took your first step. I don't know when you got your first tooth, and I don't remember your first cry. I don't know any of these things because when I met you, you were two towheaded toddlers.

And I didn't have a clue about parenting. I was terrified, actually. I didn't do much babysitting growing up, and I didn't have any siblings, so I didn't know what I was doing. I'm pretty sure I had only changed a diaper twice in my life before I met you. I'd never really been responsible for anyone other than myself before, so I didn't really know what to do, and I made a lot of mistakes. See, when people have babies the "traditional" way, they at least get nine months to prepare. There's also lots of books on how to be a good parent that you usually get time to read before you become a parent. But with you two, I didn't get any prep time. So as Daddy and I were trying to work our way into our relationship, you girls needed a mom pronto, so I had to learn along the way. Actually, I'm still learning!

But yes, I can't tell you any of those things you did before I met you. I haven't a clue what you were like as babies. But I do remember the look of pride on your face as you graduated from Pre-K. I remember the first time you called me Mom. I remember how much I cried after I put you on the bus to Kindergarten. I remember when you lost your first tooth and how terrified I was that you'd see me sneaking into your room to play Tooth Fairy. I remember you telling me "I'm OK, Mom! Bye!" when I dropped you off at your new class. I can sing every Disney Channel theme song from the past five years. I took you on your first plane ride and remember how you beamed with excitement when you got your pilot wings. I remember holding you as you cried the first time a friend broke your heart and trying to keep my own tears at bay. All of these things I remember, and I carry with me in my heart, because you are important to me. I didn't have to give birth to you to care about you and to remember all of the little milestones of your life.

I hope when you are older, you will know how much I cried from joy and relief the day the judge said I could adopt you. It was one of the best days of my life. See, I think there is something special about being chosen. I may not have given birth to you, but I have chosen to be your mom. Because I want to, because I love you. You are so special that God led me right to you. That is something to truly cherish, especially when you have doubts about me or us or our family.

I know you will have questions about your biological mom one day. I don't know why things happened the way they did, and I can't answer that because I wasn't there and I don't know her. But I will say this - sometimes, some people know the best thing they can do for their children is to have someone else be their parent. It doesn't mean you are not a good kid or that you are not loved - it means that you are so special that you deserve parents who can take care of you. I can only guess that she must have known that Daddy and I were the best parents to do that.

Our family will probably change as the two of you get older. Daddy and I would like to have a baby in a few years, but I hope you understand that it doesn't mean I will love you any less. If anything, I will love you more because you've taught me how to be a mom. I have the two of you to thank for that. And I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

I love you both,
Mom

"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart - but in it." - Fleur Conkling Heylinger

It's that time of year again.....Mother's Day!

What's a Step/Mom to do on a day like today?  The two simple words "Mother's Day" strikes fear in the hearts of women around the world as they anxiously wonder, "Do I count?  Will my husband/significant other honor my sacrifices to his kids today?  Will my stepkids acknowledge my existence?  Will I be reduced to a puddle of tears?"

Let me first say most stepmoms don't want to rain on the Mommy Parade on Mother's Day.  They're OK with their stepkids acknowledging their birth moms today (unless the birth mom is completely AWOL like my younger belles').  It's just in a world where you're hardly acknowledged to begin with, SOMETHING, even just a card, is nice.

My Ashley has always been good about Mother's Day.  I am thankful for that.  I can honestly say that since I became a Step/Mom, I've never gone without acknowledgement from him or the younger belles.  I would be immensely hurt if I ever did go without acknowledgement, and this is why:

Being a Step/Mom is literally one of the hardest, most thankless jobs a woman could ever encounter.  I have no biological experience to compare it to yet, but I'd wager to say it's even harder than being a birth mom.  Why?  When you give birth to a child, you have roughly 9 months to prepare.  You have the biological connection between you and that child that sustains you and keeps you from eating them alive when they tell you they hate you or they write in permanent marker all over their door.  You have the benefit of remembering when they were a cuddly baby and when they spoke their first words.

When you're a Step/Mom, it's a choice - on both sides - not a biological connection to love.  It means choosing to love a child even when they are acting every inch like their birth mom despite everything you've taught them to the contrary.  It means holding onto your tears until you're in your bubble bath when a child says "Thank you, Daddy!" ten times for presents you helped to pick out and pay for and doesn't acknowledge you until prompted.  It means biting your tongue and choosing to love a child when they look at you with spite and say, "I don't respect you!" or "You're not my stepmom!" or "You're mean!  I hate you!" - all of which I've heard before.

It's easy to feel like an Impostor Mom when you hear people say things about "real moms" or you go to Walgreen's and there's Mother's Day cards for moms, wives, aunts, grandmothers, godmothers, sisters, mothers-in-law, daughters-in-law.....but not one for a stepmom.  I've been on homework duty, I've cradled a sick child, I've cooked and cleaned and wiped away tears...I deserve some kind of recognition, right?

I know so many women who sacrifice blood, sweat and tears for another woman's child or children.  They do all of this for little to no recognition.  So to you ladies, I say, Happy Mother's Day.  You deserve to hear it, even if you hear it from no one else but me today.