Thursday, January 12, 2012

Didn't survive the holidays? Tips for next year!

I think it goes without saying that getting through the holidays as a Step/Mom can be one of the most draining, dramatic facts of steplife you'll ever encounter.  Most of the time, getting through the holidays (and endless custody exchanges) is enough to send any sensible woman running and screaming....at least to the nearest bottle of wine.  How do you fit in time with the kids and your families while also making sure everyone is supposed to be when they're supposed to be there?  Will the bio-mom follow the custody order, or will she make a last-minute attempt to change the game plan?  Can you and your husband or significant other make it through the holidays without killing each other?  These are all important, valid questions in steplife.

The first step - as with almost any step-situation - is to ensure you have a workable custody order that is painfully specific.  So many times, attorneys and/or judges will throw in vague language such as "The father is entitled to reasonable holiday visitation."  What is reasonable?  Who defines it?  I can almost guarantee that most people get divorced or break up because neither one can agree on what is reasonable in any situation.  Why then would you assume that you can both agree on reasonable after a divorce?

I'll give Ashley and Oldest Belle's bio-mom credit where credit is due.  They have a pretty solidly defined and reasonable custody order when it come to holiday visitation.  The issue has always been getting Oldest Belle's bio-mom to actually follow the custody order, but bless her heart, she tries.  That's what I tell myself in my finer Christian woman moments at least.  But, the idea for the parents to "swap" holidays every year is a pretty good one in my opinion.  Basically one parent gets Christmas, for example, with the child every even year, and the other parent gets the child on the odd years.  This plan ensures no day of the holiday custody exchanges.  This is good for two reasons - everyone gets to enjoy the full holiday without being in a car all day, and you don't have to see your ex (or your husband's ex) on a holiday.  You have to see the goodness in the little things, right?

The second step is to stick to the plan.  I will admit that in some step-situations, both sets of parents (the bio-parents and their spouses or partners) get along wonderfully and can easily deviate from the custody plan without too much commotion.  However, if you are in a step-situation where one party does not want to work with the other or takes advantage of the situation (e.g. always asking to change the schedule but never agreeing to changes the other party proposes), it is simply best to stick to the plan.  You may think you're being reasonable and you're showing the child or children involved that Mom and Dad can work together.  Well, that's good in theory.  But, in practice, it's not always the best approach.  I am a huge believer in boundaries.  Boundaries are so critical in any step-situation (I promise this is a topic you will get sick of me discussing, but it's because it is so very important).  The court order is there for a reason - follow it!  It serves everyone's best interests because it ensures the child or children involved are getting the time they deserve with both of their parents.  When you deviate from the plan, it opens the door for more deviation in the future, usually on an increasingly larger scale.  At what point do you say no?  Don't let yourself get into that situation - say no from the beginning, and you'll never have to worry about your good nature being taken advantage of.

It really can be a peaceful and happy holiday season.  You just have to plan in advance.  And if plans still fall apart......well, in my opinion, there's nothing a nice bottle of Moscato can't fix.

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