Can parents and stepparents be friends to their kids?

I read a really insightful opinion piece on CNN.com today that made me want to stand up and cheer.  Columnist LZ Granderson talks about the....interesting way most kids dress nowadays and why parents need to be parents.

Parents, don't dress your girls like tramps

The column is blunt to be sure, but raised some very good points.  Yes, retailers are making clothes dressed more and more trashy for kids to wear, but these clothes wouldn't be selling if parents weren't buying them for their kids.  My middle belle-in-training sometimes gets mad at me because she doesn't think her clothes are "trendy" enough, but darn it, she's a kid and I refuse to dress her like anything other than a kid!

Incidentally enough, I was listening to Steve Harvey's morning show as I was driving to work today when Steve and Shirley were reading a listener's letter asking for advice about her daughter.  Steve said, and I'm paraphrasing here, "Parents need to be parents.  I tell my kids, 'I am not your friend.  We can do friendly things, we can have fun together, but I am your parent, not your friend.'"


Now, you may be asking me, "Southern Step/Mom, why are you bringing this up on your stepparenting blog?"  Well, that's an excellent question!  Just from my observations, I've noticed divorced parents do this often with their kids because they are so afraid their child is so emotionally damaged from the divorce or breakup, or because they want to be the "cool parent" that their child chooses as the winner in this war that they neglect to actually parent the kid.

Of course, intact nuclear families do this too, and there are many single parents who don't - my mom included who was very strict with me (thanks, Mom!).  But, it seems that you notice the worst in parenting skills when you're in a step situation.

This always has and always will be one of my biggest pet peeves with my oldest belle-in-training's mother.  From age 12, OB (oldest belle-in-training) would show up to exchanges in short shorts and makeup.  The hemlines grew shorter and the makeup caked on further through the years.  It got to the point where I would cringe as soon as she'd get out the car, waiting to see how much older she would look this time.  My Ashley and I were united on this front, and we would make her change and wash her face when she got to our house, but when you're noncustodial, your influence can only go so far.  You have to pray that what you are doing and showing them those 4 days out of the month might make at least a small impact on this impressionable child you are in charge of.

This is why I don't advocate stepparents being "like a friend rather than a parent" to their stepchildren.  No one should cross discipline boundaries of course, but you are still an adult.  When you live together or are married to the child's parent, you are still an adult in charge in that household.  How are you going to earn that child's respect if you treat them as you would a friend?  What kind of example are you setting?

Maybe refusing to let my 8 year old middle belle (MB) wear skin-tight jeggings like her friends wear makes me an uncool Step/Mom.  Oh well.  I'd rather be an uncool Step/Mom than a Step/Grandmom before I leave my thirties.

Gift Suggestion:  Did you know Stepmothers' Day is the Sunday after Mothers' Day every year?  Don't forget to celebrate that special woman in your life - she deserves it!  Check out this cute t-shirt to wear to honor her, or maybe get her a bottle of wine if that's more her style.  :)