It's getting close to the five-year mark over here at Tara. Yes, that's right - I've been a Step/Mom for almost five years now. However, I'm thoroughly convinced that Step/Mom Years are like dog years, so that means I've been a Step/Mom for 35 years, right?
Being a stepmother is definitely not for the faint of heart, but I can say with absolute certainty that it's been an overall rewarding experience so far. A question I get often is, "How do you do it? How do you have such PEACE about it? How do you not let it overwhelm you?"
Well, there were definitely times where it DID overwhelm me. There were times when I did not fully understand the magnitude of the responsibility I hold. There were times when I wanted to lock myself in my room with a bottle of wine, a fluffy blanket and Alanis Morrissette on repeat. There were times when Ashley and I both had questions as to whether our relationship could survive every awful test that was thrown at us. There were times - and STILL ARE - that I question if I'm a good parent. But, there are some keys to not only surviving, but thriving through these times. I'm very thankful to be blessed with a wonderful husband and a great life, and I'm excited to see what the many years ahead bring us. I joke sometimes about how I should be a saint for surviving step/life, but the truth is I really love my life and wouldn't change it. Here's what has worked for me in thriving through step/life.
1) A solid relationship with my husband. Let's face it. You're going to have enough issues with a step-situation; the key is to minimize drama with your partner as much as possible. As a Southern belle, I am prone to dramatics, so sometimes I have to remind myself that picking a fight with my husband because I'm aggravated with the kids, with work, with school, whatever is not going to solve anything. I also have to remind myself that sometimes even when I know best (which is most of the time), I have to keep my mouth shut and let him figure it out on his own (he usually does).
There are two main components to our marriage working, and I personally feel that a lot of the responsibility in a relationship or marriage where there's a step-situation relies with the bio-parent - We put our marriage first. The belles know that they are important to us obviously, but the best way we can show the girls the importance of a healthy relationship is to demonstrate one. If we are not meeting our duties as a spouse, it can cause a lot of resentment and tension that affects the entire family. He has always respected and demanded respect of my role. Whether it's been with the belles, the bio-moms, or the in-laws, Ashley has never wavered in making sure everyone involved understood that I have a valid, important role in the girls' lives and that I was not to be treated otherwise. Now, whether or not I have always been treated that way by the others in the step-situation....I'm sure you can guess as to how that turned out. But, his disapproval of any disrespect toward me was duly noted!
Mostly, however, we make sure that our life doesn't revolve around the step-situation. This is of course much easier now that we are (hopefully! *knocks on the closest piece of wood*) done with the trials and tribulations of Family Court. But our life revolves around doing activities and outings with the kids, taking vacations and spending time with each other, discussing sports, politics and religion (all of which we argue about), and enjoying each other's company. We don't discuss the step-situation that often anymore, usually only when necessary, and that allows our relationship to be about us and not being comrades in battle. There's a definite peace and sense of normalcy that comes with that, and it's very freeing.
2) I genuinely like the belles and enjoy my role in their lives. I know this one isn't always easy, and I don't think it's a requirement, but it definitely makes step/life easier if you can achieve it. Even with Oldest Belle, with whom my relationship with has changed dramatically in the past 2.5 years, I try to remind myself of the good times and her positive attributes (of which she has many). As for the younger belles, well now that I'm Mom for all intents and purposes, it's made it a lot easier for me to be a Step/Mom. In fact, I often forget I am "just" Step/Mom, seeing as I've been raising them for so long. This doesn't mean that we're always happy with each other or that I always get along with them. It does mean there's an overall solidity to our relationship, and that's important.
I more than anyone know that sometimes it can be difficult to enjoy your role in your stepkids' lives. I wish I had the opportunity to still be the involved Step/Mom I once was to Oldest Belle before PAS took over (PAS is a deeply involved topic that will be discussed in a separate post). Sometimes, no matter how hard you try however, it simply isn't that way. Which leads me to my next topic.....
3) Accepting it for what it is. This is something that has taken me a L-O-N-G time to get to. I still have my struggles with acceptance every once in a while. But it is so important and a key to your sanity. I have come to realize that acceptance is not allowing yourself to be a doormat and letting everyone else have a say in your life. It is having conviction that you are doing the best you can in the situation you've been given, and the understanding that the only person you have the power to change is yourself.
I cannot change the negative feelings others have about me and my role as a Step/Mom when they do not understand the full situation. I cannot go back in time and make the younger belles' bio-mom care enough about her unborn children to not abuse drugs during her pregnancy. I cannot force Oldest Belle's bio-mom to recognize the important and crucial role my husband holds as their daughter's father, especially during these teenage years. I cannot make my Oldest Belle appreciate her father's contributions to her life. I cannot force other people to understand the importance of fathers and equal parenting. I cannot change the broken and corrupt family court system in this country. I cannot make my in-laws sane. AMEN!
BUT, I can change myself. I can accept those things that I cannot change, and I can try my hardest to enact good out of the bad. I can educate others about step-situations, I can offer support and guidance to others in similar situations, I can donate to causes I believe in that may change these situations for families like ours in the future. I can't change everything, but I can appreciate the lessons the challenges have taught me and I can use these lessons to make myself a better wife and parent.
4) Having a solid support system. I have been immensely blessed with a strong support system of other women who are also Step/Moms. These women have offered prayers, hugs, guidance and a cheering section when I needed one the most. There have been times when no one else could understand how I felt, but they did because they had been through it themselves. Knowing others who "get it" is something that cannot be understated. It's sustained me when I didn't think things could get any worse. It's rewarded me when I had people to share the wonderful positives with. Their friendship and love has been so crucial to me that I can't begin to fathom how other women go through step-life without such a support system.
5) Not defining myself as only a Step/Mom. Being a Step/Mom takes up a LOT of my time, but I've always tried to ensure it doesn't take up ALL of my time. I'll be honest - I'm not a huge fan of women who only define themselves as "Mommy." Being a Mom is definitely one of the most important roles I'll ever have, but I didn't stop being Southern Step/Mom just because I became a parent. I'm a wife, a daughter, a granddaughter, a cousin, a friend. I'm a sorority sister, a coworker, a graduate student. I'm a dancer, a writer, a reader, a singer. You get the idea. I've continually pursued other interests throughout my step/life that have nothing to do with being a Step/Mom because it's important. I want my girls to know that there is so much more to being a woman than being a parent.
6) My faith. I'll admit. I'm not the type of person you'll find screaming praises everywhere. I'm the first to say I'm not anywhere close to being the perfect Christian. There have definitely been times where I've lapsed, where I've shaken my fist in anger at God for the situations we've been thrown in. However, I can't discount the significant peace I've gotten from quiet reflection, prayer and mediation. Sometimes when I can't get a handle on the acceptance I preached about earlier, I turn it over to a higher power because I can't handle it by myself. I don't think a particular faith is a prerequisite for surviving and thriving in step/life, but I do think that having some type of faith or moral code to turn to is important.
Are there some tips from the pros you'd like to share? Things you agree or disagree with? Feel free to let me know!
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Didn't survive the holidays? Tips for next year!
I think it goes without saying that getting through the holidays as a Step/Mom can be one of the most draining, dramatic facts of steplife you'll ever encounter. Most of the time, getting through the holidays (and endless custody exchanges) is enough to send any sensible woman running and screaming....at least to the nearest bottle of wine. How do you fit in time with the kids and your families while also making sure everyone is supposed to be when they're supposed to be there? Will the bio-mom follow the custody order, or will she make a last-minute attempt to change the game plan? Can you and your husband or significant other make it through the holidays without killing each other? These are all important, valid questions in steplife.
The first step - as with almost any step-situation - is to ensure you have a workable custody order that is painfully specific. So many times, attorneys and/or judges will throw in vague language such as "The father is entitled to reasonable holiday visitation." What is reasonable? Who defines it? I can almost guarantee that most people get divorced or break up because neither one can agree on what is reasonable in any situation. Why then would you assume that you can both agree on reasonable after a divorce?
I'll give Ashley and Oldest Belle's bio-mom credit where credit is due. They have a pretty solidly defined and reasonable custody order when it come to holiday visitation. The issue has always been getting Oldest Belle's bio-mom to actually follow the custody order, but bless her heart, she tries. That's what I tell myself in my finer Christian woman moments at least. But, the idea for the parents to "swap" holidays every year is a pretty good one in my opinion. Basically one parent gets Christmas, for example, with the child every even year, and the other parent gets the child on the odd years. This plan ensures no day of the holiday custody exchanges. This is good for two reasons - everyone gets to enjoy the full holiday without being in a car all day, and you don't have to see your ex (or your husband's ex) on a holiday. You have to see the goodness in the little things, right?
The second step is to stick to the plan. I will admit that in some step-situations, both sets of parents (the bio-parents and their spouses or partners) get along wonderfully and can easily deviate from the custody plan without too much commotion. However, if you are in a step-situation where one party does not want to work with the other or takes advantage of the situation (e.g. always asking to change the schedule but never agreeing to changes the other party proposes), it is simply best to stick to the plan. You may think you're being reasonable and you're showing the child or children involved that Mom and Dad can work together. Well, that's good in theory. But, in practice, it's not always the best approach. I am a huge believer in boundaries. Boundaries are so critical in any step-situation (I promise this is a topic you will get sick of me discussing, but it's because it is so very important). The court order is there for a reason - follow it! It serves everyone's best interests because it ensures the child or children involved are getting the time they deserve with both of their parents. When you deviate from the plan, it opens the door for more deviation in the future, usually on an increasingly larger scale. At what point do you say no? Don't let yourself get into that situation - say no from the beginning, and you'll never have to worry about your good nature being taken advantage of.
It really can be a peaceful and happy holiday season. You just have to plan in advance. And if plans still fall apart......well, in my opinion, there's nothing a nice bottle of Moscato can't fix.
The first step - as with almost any step-situation - is to ensure you have a workable custody order that is painfully specific. So many times, attorneys and/or judges will throw in vague language such as "The father is entitled to reasonable holiday visitation." What is reasonable? Who defines it? I can almost guarantee that most people get divorced or break up because neither one can agree on what is reasonable in any situation. Why then would you assume that you can both agree on reasonable after a divorce?
I'll give Ashley and Oldest Belle's bio-mom credit where credit is due. They have a pretty solidly defined and reasonable custody order when it come to holiday visitation. The issue has always been getting Oldest Belle's bio-mom to actually follow the custody order, but bless her heart, she tries. That's what I tell myself in my finer Christian woman moments at least. But, the idea for the parents to "swap" holidays every year is a pretty good one in my opinion. Basically one parent gets Christmas, for example, with the child every even year, and the other parent gets the child on the odd years. This plan ensures no day of the holiday custody exchanges. This is good for two reasons - everyone gets to enjoy the full holiday without being in a car all day, and you don't have to see your ex (or your husband's ex) on a holiday. You have to see the goodness in the little things, right?
The second step is to stick to the plan. I will admit that in some step-situations, both sets of parents (the bio-parents and their spouses or partners) get along wonderfully and can easily deviate from the custody plan without too much commotion. However, if you are in a step-situation where one party does not want to work with the other or takes advantage of the situation (e.g. always asking to change the schedule but never agreeing to changes the other party proposes), it is simply best to stick to the plan. You may think you're being reasonable and you're showing the child or children involved that Mom and Dad can work together. Well, that's good in theory. But, in practice, it's not always the best approach. I am a huge believer in boundaries. Boundaries are so critical in any step-situation (I promise this is a topic you will get sick of me discussing, but it's because it is so very important). The court order is there for a reason - follow it! It serves everyone's best interests because it ensures the child or children involved are getting the time they deserve with both of their parents. When you deviate from the plan, it opens the door for more deviation in the future, usually on an increasingly larger scale. At what point do you say no? Don't let yourself get into that situation - say no from the beginning, and you'll never have to worry about your good nature being taken advantage of.
It really can be a peaceful and happy holiday season. You just have to plan in advance. And if plans still fall apart......well, in my opinion, there's nothing a nice bottle of Moscato can't fix.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Gabrielle Giffords and an inspiring, positive Step/Mom story
It's not often that I stumble across stepmother stories that are not only realistic but actually celebrate a step/mother's contribution to her family, so you can imagine my delight when I read this story about U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and her own Southern Belles-in-Training.
You're likely familiar with Rep. Giffords from the horrific shooting she survived in January, but you maybe were not aware that she is also a childless stepmom. Becoming a step/mom to two teenage girls is not for the faint of heart, so this factoid about Giffords only made me like her more. Colleen Curry of ABC News explored this stepmother/stepdaughter relationship in her recent story about Giffords and her stepdaughters.
The story is heartwarming and deserves a thorough reading, but my favorite part is this mature insight from Giffords' older stepdaughter, Claudia:
"'I took Gabby for granted for so long, and I'm lucky I got a second chance to build a relationship with her,' Claudia said. She encouraged her friends to repair relationships with their own parents and stepparents."
-Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords' Shooting Closed Gulf Between Her and Stepdaughters
Most step/mothers, like Giffords, just wanted to be an accepted and cherished member of their family. I think especially for childless step/mothers there is a strong desire to be an important female role model for our stepchildren. Again, this does not mean we want to replace the bio-mom or overstep our boundaries, but we do love our husbands or partners and therefore we willingly invest a lot of time and love in our relationship in his children.
No one wants to feel insignificant or unwelcome, particularly in their own home. Why, then, is it OK for step/mothers to be the marginalized member of the family, and oftentimes despite their reduced status in their home they are still expected to give 110% of themselves to the family? The fact is - it's not OK. Step/mothers deserve much more respect in their families and in society than they are often given. Unfortunately, it took Giffords' stepdaughters almost losing her to understand her value to their lives and their family.
Fortunately, as Claudia said, they have a second chance. I hope stories like Giffords' help put a more empathetic and human face on stepmothering than the Disney tales we have grown accustomed to.
You're likely familiar with Rep. Giffords from the horrific shooting she survived in January, but you maybe were not aware that she is also a childless stepmom. Becoming a step/mom to two teenage girls is not for the faint of heart, so this factoid about Giffords only made me like her more. Colleen Curry of ABC News explored this stepmother/stepdaughter relationship in her recent story about Giffords and her stepdaughters.
The story is heartwarming and deserves a thorough reading, but my favorite part is this mature insight from Giffords' older stepdaughter, Claudia:
"'I took Gabby for granted for so long, and I'm lucky I got a second chance to build a relationship with her,' Claudia said. She encouraged her friends to repair relationships with their own parents and stepparents."
-Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords' Shooting Closed Gulf Between Her and Stepdaughters
Most step/mothers, like Giffords, just wanted to be an accepted and cherished member of their family. I think especially for childless step/mothers there is a strong desire to be an important female role model for our stepchildren. Again, this does not mean we want to replace the bio-mom or overstep our boundaries, but we do love our husbands or partners and therefore we willingly invest a lot of time and love in our relationship in his children.
No one wants to feel insignificant or unwelcome, particularly in their own home. Why, then, is it OK for step/mothers to be the marginalized member of the family, and oftentimes despite their reduced status in their home they are still expected to give 110% of themselves to the family? The fact is - it's not OK. Step/mothers deserve much more respect in their families and in society than they are often given. Unfortunately, it took Giffords' stepdaughters almost losing her to understand her value to their lives and their family.
Fortunately, as Claudia said, they have a second chance. I hope stories like Giffords' help put a more empathetic and human face on stepmothering than the Disney tales we have grown accustomed to.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Friends? Frienemies? The never-ending "How do I deal with that woman?" saga.
So, just so we're clear here, I've never had to do this dance with the younger belles' bio-mom as she was MIA way before I came along. You know...the dance where you're not quite sure what your status is with the bio-mom of your stepkidlets. This gets even more complicated when you're still dating and not "officially" a step/mother yet.
When I began dating my dear Ashley over 4 and a half years ago (yes, it really has been that long!), I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed about the whole "other mother" scenario. I was a stepdaughter briefly during my childhood, but this was my first time on the other side of the fence, so to speak. I hadn't read any books yet, hadn't found any support groups, didn't have any friends who were step/mothers - I was just head over heels for this guy who happened to have 3 kids already. Oldest belle's bio-mom and my Ashley had broken up over 10 years before I came along, so I assumed the whole custody arrangement was a well-oiled machine by the time he and I started dating.
Well, you know what they say about assuming.......
The first time I met her bio-mom (we'll call her BM for short), I don't remember there being any grand introduction or her saying...well, anything to me really. Which would turn out to be par for the course for the years to come. But even after that first meeting, I didn't give too much thought to her until our relationship grew serious.
I have the benefit of years of removal from the situation, general wisdom I've gathered along the way and enough moral backbone to be able to laugh now about "the BM years" as I've dubbed them. But there were plenty of times during those years when I was assuredly not laughing about any of it. Now? I pretty much just roll my eyes and giggle. But it took a lot to get to that point of peace in my life.
Throughout the years, I've seen step/mom after step/mom pull her hair out and fret over what to do about the bio-mom (or bio-moms in some of our cases). I find this is a monumental difference between stepmothers and stepfathers. Men simply don't let stuff like this get to them. And when they do, they normally just beat each other up and then get over it. Women sit there and worry about, "Should I reach out to her?" "Do you think I should try to be friends with her?" and so on.
First of all, let me just say I hate the terms "co-wives" and "co-mamas." First of all, the only "co-wives" I know of are the Sister Wives. Great show, but not a realistic approach to getting along with the bio-mom. I'm not sharing my husband with you; this marriage has plenty enough people in it with the two of us. No need for you to get involved, dear bio-mom. While I think the "co-mama" approach is a noble one, let's face it - how many bio-moms wholeheartedly embrace the "co-mama" approach? Yeah, that's what I thought. It's a good theory, but in practice? Unless the stepmom is OK with being a doormat, it usually doesn't work very well.
So, back to Year 1. I didn't want to be friends with the woman, but considering I was planning on marrying her daughter's father and I was caring for her child every other weekend, every summer and every other holiday, I felt it was a pretty reasonable expectation that we could at least be friendly and civil with each other. I really cared for Oldest Belle and willingly spent time and money on her. I didn't want to be her mom, but I did want to be a good, nurturing role model that she could feel comfortable around. Oldest Belle and I also got along pretty well, so I thought it wasn't too much to hope that BM and I could get along for her sake. Right?
Well, let's just say BM did not take too kindly toward another woman being in the picture. She was thoroughly enjoying being Main Mama in the parenting triangle she had set up between herself, her husband and Ashley, and there was no room for one more. There weren't many times that she was outright rude toward me (although the times she was were quite memorable); her MO was to just outright ignore me. The attempts I did make toward being friendly were completely ignored, so finally I just shrugged my shoulders and blew it off.
I know many women think it's best for the kids to be friends with the bio-mom. I think if you can genuinely achieve that, then that's wonderful. Unfortunately, that tends to almost never be the case. Many times women think if they follow along with what the bio-mom wants, such as shared family dinners (sometimes without the stepmom!) and other attempts at creating a "one big happy family," then the bio-mom will eventually accept her. Again, this normally causes more problems than solutions.
There's nothing wrong with being civil. By all means do I not condone snarky comments in front of the stepkids or acting like a crazy banshee toward the bio-mom. The cold hard truth is you will have to deal with her until your stepkids are 18. But - do not be surprised if she views you as Public Enemy #1. This does not mean you are not a good person or a good stepparent. I had given BM no reason to dislike me. I perhaps didn't care for her personally, nor would she have been a person I would have chosen to associate with, but I tried to see the good in her and I always gave her the respect I felt she was due because she was Oldest Belle's mother. I also made sure to never speak ill of her in front of Oldest Belle, and I even would correct Oldest Belle when she would begin to badmouth BM in front of me. No disrespecting mamas in my house!
Essentially, I refused to bring myself to her level. If she wanted to ignore me, fine - I wasn't going to force her to acknowledge me. But, I also demanded respect for myself. I didn't tolerate her bashing me or Ashley in my presence. I didn't stay away from exchanges or from Oldest Belle's events because I thought it might make BM uncomfortable. I was always very pleasant with her husband, because he was always very pleasant with me.
As stepkids grow older, they often see everyone's true colors (that's my hope at least!). Oftentimes if the bio-mom starts out not accepting you and your very valid role in her child's life, she likely never will. That doesn't mean you have to treat yourself like a second-class citizen. Being the bigger person can be difficult - trust me, I would know! - but often with a bio-mom like that, she wants to see that she's getting to you. Just don't let her. Once I stopped caring about what BM thought of me, it transformed my view of myself as a stepparent and my relationship with Ashley for the better.
Sometimes, you can't rely on finding peace in other people - you have to create it for yourself.
When I began dating my dear Ashley over 4 and a half years ago (yes, it really has been that long!), I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed about the whole "other mother" scenario. I was a stepdaughter briefly during my childhood, but this was my first time on the other side of the fence, so to speak. I hadn't read any books yet, hadn't found any support groups, didn't have any friends who were step/mothers - I was just head over heels for this guy who happened to have 3 kids already. Oldest belle's bio-mom and my Ashley had broken up over 10 years before I came along, so I assumed the whole custody arrangement was a well-oiled machine by the time he and I started dating.
Well, you know what they say about assuming.......
The first time I met her bio-mom (we'll call her BM for short), I don't remember there being any grand introduction or her saying...well, anything to me really. Which would turn out to be par for the course for the years to come. But even after that first meeting, I didn't give too much thought to her until our relationship grew serious.
I have the benefit of years of removal from the situation, general wisdom I've gathered along the way and enough moral backbone to be able to laugh now about "the BM years" as I've dubbed them. But there were plenty of times during those years when I was assuredly not laughing about any of it. Now? I pretty much just roll my eyes and giggle. But it took a lot to get to that point of peace in my life.
Throughout the years, I've seen step/mom after step/mom pull her hair out and fret over what to do about the bio-mom (or bio-moms in some of our cases). I find this is a monumental difference between stepmothers and stepfathers. Men simply don't let stuff like this get to them. And when they do, they normally just beat each other up and then get over it. Women sit there and worry about, "Should I reach out to her?" "Do you think I should try to be friends with her?" and so on.
First of all, let me just say I hate the terms "co-wives" and "co-mamas." First of all, the only "co-wives" I know of are the Sister Wives. Great show, but not a realistic approach to getting along with the bio-mom. I'm not sharing my husband with you; this marriage has plenty enough people in it with the two of us. No need for you to get involved, dear bio-mom. While I think the "co-mama" approach is a noble one, let's face it - how many bio-moms wholeheartedly embrace the "co-mama" approach? Yeah, that's what I thought. It's a good theory, but in practice? Unless the stepmom is OK with being a doormat, it usually doesn't work very well.
So, back to Year 1. I didn't want to be friends with the woman, but considering I was planning on marrying her daughter's father and I was caring for her child every other weekend, every summer and every other holiday, I felt it was a pretty reasonable expectation that we could at least be friendly and civil with each other. I really cared for Oldest Belle and willingly spent time and money on her. I didn't want to be her mom, but I did want to be a good, nurturing role model that she could feel comfortable around. Oldest Belle and I also got along pretty well, so I thought it wasn't too much to hope that BM and I could get along for her sake. Right?
Well, let's just say BM did not take too kindly toward another woman being in the picture. She was thoroughly enjoying being Main Mama in the parenting triangle she had set up between herself, her husband and Ashley, and there was no room for one more. There weren't many times that she was outright rude toward me (although the times she was were quite memorable); her MO was to just outright ignore me. The attempts I did make toward being friendly were completely ignored, so finally I just shrugged my shoulders and blew it off.
I know many women think it's best for the kids to be friends with the bio-mom. I think if you can genuinely achieve that, then that's wonderful. Unfortunately, that tends to almost never be the case. Many times women think if they follow along with what the bio-mom wants, such as shared family dinners (sometimes without the stepmom!) and other attempts at creating a "one big happy family," then the bio-mom will eventually accept her. Again, this normally causes more problems than solutions.
There's nothing wrong with being civil. By all means do I not condone snarky comments in front of the stepkids or acting like a crazy banshee toward the bio-mom. The cold hard truth is you will have to deal with her until your stepkids are 18. But - do not be surprised if she views you as Public Enemy #1. This does not mean you are not a good person or a good stepparent. I had given BM no reason to dislike me. I perhaps didn't care for her personally, nor would she have been a person I would have chosen to associate with, but I tried to see the good in her and I always gave her the respect I felt she was due because she was Oldest Belle's mother. I also made sure to never speak ill of her in front of Oldest Belle, and I even would correct Oldest Belle when she would begin to badmouth BM in front of me. No disrespecting mamas in my house!
Essentially, I refused to bring myself to her level. If she wanted to ignore me, fine - I wasn't going to force her to acknowledge me. But, I also demanded respect for myself. I didn't tolerate her bashing me or Ashley in my presence. I didn't stay away from exchanges or from Oldest Belle's events because I thought it might make BM uncomfortable. I was always very pleasant with her husband, because he was always very pleasant with me.
As stepkids grow older, they often see everyone's true colors (that's my hope at least!). Oftentimes if the bio-mom starts out not accepting you and your very valid role in her child's life, she likely never will. That doesn't mean you have to treat yourself like a second-class citizen. Being the bigger person can be difficult - trust me, I would know! - but often with a bio-mom like that, she wants to see that she's getting to you. Just don't let her. Once I stopped caring about what BM thought of me, it transformed my view of myself as a stepparent and my relationship with Ashley for the better.
Sometimes, you can't rely on finding peace in other people - you have to create it for yourself.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
New school year = New teachers to confuse
Ahh, a new school year. It's one of the most joyous times of the year, right? New books to read from, new subjects to explore, new friends to make.......
And new teachers to terrorize.
See, when you're a Step/Mom, it's a bit more complicated than just signing the kids up for school. Even if you don't tell the teacher on Day 1, eventually, you have to explain. Or look like a Teen Mom extra. Explaining is preferable.
If it's a new school, they have to be provided with the All Important Court Order. When you're custodial like us, this brings in a whole new level of confusion, because the school will often scratch its collective head when they see the rarity - "A Dad with custody?" they ask. It's not that dads are incapable of being custodial parents, of course, but it's the simple fact that most courts still make Mom the Custodial/Domiciliary Parent.
So first you have to explain that yes, Dad really does have custody, and no, Mom does not have the right to call the school or come by the school. Yes, it's in the court order. No, it doesn't matter that she's still on the birth certificate.
Then, it needs to be clarified for the school and the teachers that while I am not technically Mom, I am called Mom, I look like a Mom, I act like a Mom, so therefore, it's just easiest to call me Mom. After all, a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, right? In fact, oh School and Teachers, I know way more about these little belles than bio-Mom ever could possibly comprehend. In fact, I am probably the person you want to become friends with since I have a knack for detail and documentation when it comes to these kiddos, so really, I am the person you want to get to know.
And yes, School, you do have to honor the Power of Attorney my husband has signed on my behalf, just like the doctors' offices and religious education offices have to.
In fact, did you know that custodial stepparents even have rights under FERPA?
"Accordingly, a stepparent has rights under FERPA where the stepparent is present on a day-to-day basis with the natural parent and child and the other parent is absent from that home. In such cases, stepparents have the same rights under FERPA as do natural parents."
- Letter to Parent re: Disclosure of Education Records to Stepparents
So I truly do apologize for the confusion, Mr. Principal and Mr. Teacher. I'm also very sorry if I tend to spout out case law and Department of Education policies in order to assure you of me and my husband's rights. I'm just a wee bit annoying like that.
But, look at it this way - you may have to deal with me, but I have to live it! So take heart: you could be a Step/Mom and be in a constant state of explanation. :)
And new teachers to terrorize.
See, when you're a Step/Mom, it's a bit more complicated than just signing the kids up for school. Even if you don't tell the teacher on Day 1, eventually, you have to explain. Or look like a Teen Mom extra. Explaining is preferable.
If it's a new school, they have to be provided with the All Important Court Order. When you're custodial like us, this brings in a whole new level of confusion, because the school will often scratch its collective head when they see the rarity - "A Dad with custody?" they ask. It's not that dads are incapable of being custodial parents, of course, but it's the simple fact that most courts still make Mom the Custodial/Domiciliary Parent.
So first you have to explain that yes, Dad really does have custody, and no, Mom does not have the right to call the school or come by the school. Yes, it's in the court order. No, it doesn't matter that she's still on the birth certificate.
Then, it needs to be clarified for the school and the teachers that while I am not technically Mom, I am called Mom, I look like a Mom, I act like a Mom, so therefore, it's just easiest to call me Mom. After all, a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, right? In fact, oh School and Teachers, I know way more about these little belles than bio-Mom ever could possibly comprehend. In fact, I am probably the person you want to become friends with since I have a knack for detail and documentation when it comes to these kiddos, so really, I am the person you want to get to know.
And yes, School, you do have to honor the Power of Attorney my husband has signed on my behalf, just like the doctors' offices and religious education offices have to.
In fact, did you know that custodial stepparents even have rights under FERPA?
"Accordingly, a stepparent has rights under FERPA where the stepparent is present on a day-to-day basis with the natural parent and child and the other parent is absent from that home. In such cases, stepparents have the same rights under FERPA as do natural parents."
- Letter to Parent re: Disclosure of Education Records to Stepparents
So I truly do apologize for the confusion, Mr. Principal and Mr. Teacher. I'm also very sorry if I tend to spout out case law and Department of Education policies in order to assure you of me and my husband's rights. I'm just a wee bit annoying like that.
But, look at it this way - you may have to deal with me, but I have to live it! So take heart: you could be a Step/Mom and be in a constant state of explanation. :)
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Save ThePsychoExWife.com
Many of you may be familiar with ThePsychoExWife.com. The blog has been a resource to many finding themselves in a custody battle with a combative and likely mentally ill ex-spouse or significant other. While some of you, like me, may have qualms about the term used to describe PEW in public (even if it's befitting after reading their story), the judge in their custody case has dictated that not only does the website need to be taken down, but the father can no longer talk about his children at all in any "public media" unless it's "to wish them happy birthday or about a significant school event." The entire ruling can be read here.
This judge's decision is a violation of the father's First Amendment rights, and it could have a chilling effect on blogs such as mine, online support groups for divorcing dads and stepmoms, and other key resources for the equal parenting movement. Please take some time today to visit Save ThePsychoExWife.com to find out more and learn what you can do to help.
This judge's decision is a violation of the father's First Amendment rights, and it could have a chilling effect on blogs such as mine, online support groups for divorcing dads and stepmoms, and other key resources for the equal parenting movement. Please take some time today to visit Save ThePsychoExWife.com to find out more and learn what you can do to help.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Father's Day and the Ode to Stepfathers
Hello faithful Belles! I apologize that I've been MIA for a while; it has been a busy few weeks at Tara. But not to worry, I have plenty to report from the Step/Mom Twilight Zone.
You may recall in my last post how I lamented my experience of walking through the store aisles to find nary a stepmother card for Mother's Day. So you might imagine my surprise to find myself in the card aisles a few weeks before Father's Day to find not one Father's Day card for stepfathers, but an assortment of cards. And not just an assortment of cards but an entire popped-out subsection for stepfathers.
I almost had a fainting spell right there on aisle 16 of Wal-Mart.
Let me again reemphasize that I have no issue with people praising the virtues and hard work of stepfathers. My own Ashley was once a stepfather, and I know he did a phenomenal job as one. Yes, stepparents should be honored for their contributions to children's lives.
So WHY can't the same be done for stepmothers?
To make matters worse, my Facebook newsfeed read like a feminist, anti-dad rant on Father's Day. Deadbeat dads blah blah blah, happy father's day to all the REAL daddies, blah blah blah........do you ever see any of this on Mother's Day? I'll answer that for you....no. On Mother's Day, it is a love fest over the beauties of motherhood, the sacred womb that bore you into this world and the never ending sacrifices these tireless women make.
Of course I'm not anti-mom. There are many wonderful, amazing mothers who do an outstanding job as a parent. I agree that motherhood is an extremely challenging undertaking for any woman.
But, there are many not-so-great mothers out there. There are women who abuse drugs, who abuse their children, who walk out one day and never come back. There are women who are so filled with hate toward their children's fathers that they do everything in their power to destroy that sacred bond between the children and their father, a scary phenomenon called parental alienation that I will go into further detail about in another post.
But you rarely, if ever, hear about these mothers on Mother's Day. All you hear is the good. So why do we not do the same on Father's Day? And more importantly, is the whole praise and worship of stepfathers on Father's Day because we are truly honoring these men who sacrifice all for children who are not their own, or are we praising these stepfathers because it is a sneaky way to lift up these mother's current partners while spewing hate at these children's fathers?
You may recall in my last post how I lamented my experience of walking through the store aisles to find nary a stepmother card for Mother's Day. So you might imagine my surprise to find myself in the card aisles a few weeks before Father's Day to find not one Father's Day card for stepfathers, but an assortment of cards. And not just an assortment of cards but an entire popped-out subsection for stepfathers.
I almost had a fainting spell right there on aisle 16 of Wal-Mart.
Let me again reemphasize that I have no issue with people praising the virtues and hard work of stepfathers. My own Ashley was once a stepfather, and I know he did a phenomenal job as one. Yes, stepparents should be honored for their contributions to children's lives.
So WHY can't the same be done for stepmothers?
To make matters worse, my Facebook newsfeed read like a feminist, anti-dad rant on Father's Day. Deadbeat dads blah blah blah, happy father's day to all the REAL daddies, blah blah blah........do you ever see any of this on Mother's Day? I'll answer that for you....no. On Mother's Day, it is a love fest over the beauties of motherhood, the sacred womb that bore you into this world and the never ending sacrifices these tireless women make.
Of course I'm not anti-mom. There are many wonderful, amazing mothers who do an outstanding job as a parent. I agree that motherhood is an extremely challenging undertaking for any woman.
But, there are many not-so-great mothers out there. There are women who abuse drugs, who abuse their children, who walk out one day and never come back. There are women who are so filled with hate toward their children's fathers that they do everything in their power to destroy that sacred bond between the children and their father, a scary phenomenon called parental alienation that I will go into further detail about in another post.
But you rarely, if ever, hear about these mothers on Mother's Day. All you hear is the good. So why do we not do the same on Father's Day? And more importantly, is the whole praise and worship of stepfathers on Father's Day because we are truly honoring these men who sacrifice all for children who are not their own, or are we praising these stepfathers because it is a sneaky way to lift up these mother's current partners while spewing hate at these children's fathers?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)