Showing posts with label stepmoms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stepmoms. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Holiday Time!
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Happy Stepmother's Day!
Today is Stepmother's Day, a legally recognized holiday established in 2000 when a young girl requested for a special day for stepmothers around the United States. This holiday is always celebrated the Sunday after Mother's Day.
While I think it is extremely important for stepmothers to be recognized for the tremendous sacrifices they make and the love they bestow upon children they didn't give birth to, I always have mixed feelings about Stepmother's Day. To me, if stepmothers were truly honored and revered in society, there would be no need for a separate day - stepmothers could be honored alongside mothers on Mother's Day. But, I know every family and their preferences are different. I wouldn't want dear Ashley to honor me on Stepmother's Day with the younger belles because I'm not really their stepmother anymore. I mean, technically I am, but I have been raising them for so long, it seems silly to still refer to myself as their stepmother unless it's important for legal purposes. Most people in our daily lives now aren't even aware that I'm their stepmother.
However, I am still a stepmother to Oldest Belle. And in that spirit, I think it's important to address today why I'm not an active stepparent anymore to her.
Once upon a time, Oldest Belle's mother followed the visitation plan pretty well. We had Oldest Belle in our home every other weekend, some holidays and for the summer. Things were never perfect between her mother and Ashley, but it seemed that the tense years after their split had finally died down. Oldest Belle's mom was never too happy with my role in her life. Actually, if you had asked her, she would say I never had a role at all. She preferred to think of me and Ashley as glorified babysitters rather than active parents. The problem was the closer that Oldest Belle and I got, the harder her mom would make our relationship. Never mind that I had zero interest in replacing her, but I was a Capital T Threat.
The change was noticeable. Oldest Belle started backtalking me more. She began being outright rude to my family at various family functions, people who had loved her and embraced her as another family member without question. When Ashley sat Oldest Belle down to talk to her about her unacceptable behavior and told her she was not going to disrespect me - her stepmother who loved her dearly - she replied that "Southern Step/Mom isn't my stepmother!" as we weren't married at that time. This coming from a child who had been calling me her stepmother for years at this point. It was then that I realized that there was a lot of bashing of me and Ashley going on at her mother's house, more than we had previously realized.
Shortly after this, we found out that Oldest Belle's mother had been plotting to bring Ashley back to court again, for the umpteenth time over 11 years by then. She also had convinced Oldest Belle that she should testify against Ashley in court, fabricating whatever necessary in order to prove her loyalty to her mother. Ashley and her mother did go back to court over Oldest Belle one last time, and the judge refused to change anything in regards to custody. Oldest Belle's mother made it clear to Ashley then that she would not cooperate with visitation any longer, and Ashley had already brought her back to court several times by then to charge her with contempt for violating the parenting plan, only for the judges to do nothing. Her punishments were nothing more than a "slap on the wrist," a "Don't do it again" warning.
So at that point, what do you do? Most people say to continue fighting, to not give up. But what damage does that continue to do to the child when there's a parent who is unrelenting in her quest to destroy the relationship between the other parent and the child? Do you continue bringing the other parent to court, giving her more ammunition against you? Or do you back off and hope that when the child gets older, they'll understand that you backed off in hopes that the other parent would stop psychologically abusing them for simply loving you?
For more information about Parental Alienation Sydrome, here is a great introductory article. (http://fact.on.ca/Info/pas/walsh99.htm)
"Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood...It is our feeling that when attempted PAS has been identified, successful or not, it must be dealt with swiftly by the court. If it is not, it will contaminate and quietly control all other parenting issues and then lead only to unhappiness, frustration, and, lastly, parental estrangement."
While I think it is extremely important for stepmothers to be recognized for the tremendous sacrifices they make and the love they bestow upon children they didn't give birth to, I always have mixed feelings about Stepmother's Day. To me, if stepmothers were truly honored and revered in society, there would be no need for a separate day - stepmothers could be honored alongside mothers on Mother's Day. But, I know every family and their preferences are different. I wouldn't want dear Ashley to honor me on Stepmother's Day with the younger belles because I'm not really their stepmother anymore. I mean, technically I am, but I have been raising them for so long, it seems silly to still refer to myself as their stepmother unless it's important for legal purposes. Most people in our daily lives now aren't even aware that I'm their stepmother.
However, I am still a stepmother to Oldest Belle. And in that spirit, I think it's important to address today why I'm not an active stepparent anymore to her.
Once upon a time, Oldest Belle's mother followed the visitation plan pretty well. We had Oldest Belle in our home every other weekend, some holidays and for the summer. Things were never perfect between her mother and Ashley, but it seemed that the tense years after their split had finally died down. Oldest Belle's mom was never too happy with my role in her life. Actually, if you had asked her, she would say I never had a role at all. She preferred to think of me and Ashley as glorified babysitters rather than active parents. The problem was the closer that Oldest Belle and I got, the harder her mom would make our relationship. Never mind that I had zero interest in replacing her, but I was a Capital T Threat.
The change was noticeable. Oldest Belle started backtalking me more. She began being outright rude to my family at various family functions, people who had loved her and embraced her as another family member without question. When Ashley sat Oldest Belle down to talk to her about her unacceptable behavior and told her she was not going to disrespect me - her stepmother who loved her dearly - she replied that "Southern Step/Mom isn't my stepmother!" as we weren't married at that time. This coming from a child who had been calling me her stepmother for years at this point. It was then that I realized that there was a lot of bashing of me and Ashley going on at her mother's house, more than we had previously realized.
Shortly after this, we found out that Oldest Belle's mother had been plotting to bring Ashley back to court again, for the umpteenth time over 11 years by then. She also had convinced Oldest Belle that she should testify against Ashley in court, fabricating whatever necessary in order to prove her loyalty to her mother. Ashley and her mother did go back to court over Oldest Belle one last time, and the judge refused to change anything in regards to custody. Oldest Belle's mother made it clear to Ashley then that she would not cooperate with visitation any longer, and Ashley had already brought her back to court several times by then to charge her with contempt for violating the parenting plan, only for the judges to do nothing. Her punishments were nothing more than a "slap on the wrist," a "Don't do it again" warning.
So at that point, what do you do? Most people say to continue fighting, to not give up. But what damage does that continue to do to the child when there's a parent who is unrelenting in her quest to destroy the relationship between the other parent and the child? Do you continue bringing the other parent to court, giving her more ammunition against you? Or do you back off and hope that when the child gets older, they'll understand that you backed off in hopes that the other parent would stop psychologically abusing them for simply loving you?
For more information about Parental Alienation Sydrome, here is a great introductory article. (http://fact.on.ca/Info/pas/walsh99.htm)
"Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood...It is our feeling that when attempted PAS has been identified, successful or not, it must be dealt with swiftly by the court. If it is not, it will contaminate and quietly control all other parenting issues and then lead only to unhappiness, frustration, and, lastly, parental estrangement."
Sunday, May 13, 2012
A letter to my girls on Mother's Day
"Once there were two women who never knew each other. One you do not remember, the other you call Mother...The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it. The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it." - Unknown
This is the sixth Mother's Day we've now shared together, and I hope you know how each year, you make it more special for me. I know as you get older, you'll probably have some more questions about our family and about you and me. I feel like today is a good day for me to explain why the special things you and Daddy do for me on Mother's Day mean so much, so that maybe when you are older, you'll understand better.
See, I don't know what you looked like when you were born. I mean, I DO, but not from memory, just from pictures I've seen. I don't remember the feeling of you kicking inside me that everyone says is pretty cool, but I have no first hand knowledge of. I can't tell you what your first word was, or when you took your first step. I don't know when you got your first tooth, and I don't remember your first cry. I don't know any of these things because when I met you, you were two towheaded toddlers.
And I didn't have a clue about parenting. I was terrified, actually. I didn't do much babysitting growing up, and I didn't have any siblings, so I didn't know what I was doing. I'm pretty sure I had only changed a diaper twice in my life before I met you. I'd never really been responsible for anyone other than myself before, so I didn't really know what to do, and I made a lot of mistakes. See, when people have babies the "traditional" way, they at least get nine months to prepare. There's also lots of books on how to be a good parent that you usually get time to read before you become a parent. But with you two, I didn't get any prep time. So as Daddy and I were trying to work our way into our relationship, you girls needed a mom pronto, so I had to learn along the way. Actually, I'm still learning!
But yes, I can't tell you any of those things you did before I met you. I haven't a clue what you were like as babies. But I do remember the look of pride on your face as you graduated from Pre-K. I remember the first time you called me Mom. I remember how much I cried after I put you on the bus to Kindergarten. I remember when you lost your first tooth and how terrified I was that you'd see me sneaking into your room to play Tooth Fairy. I remember you telling me "I'm OK, Mom! Bye!" when I dropped you off at your new class. I can sing every Disney Channel theme song from the past five years. I took you on your first plane ride and remember how you beamed with excitement when you got your pilot wings. I remember holding you as you cried the first time a friend broke your heart and trying to keep my own tears at bay. All of these things I remember, and I carry with me in my heart, because you are important to me. I didn't have to give birth to you to care about you and to remember all of the little milestones of your life.
I hope when you are older, you will know how much I cried from joy and relief the day the judge said I could adopt you. It was one of the best days of my life. See, I think there is something special about being chosen. I may not have given birth to you, but I have chosen to be your mom. Because I want to, because I love you. You are so special that God led me right to you. That is something to truly cherish, especially when you have doubts about me or us or our family.
I know you will have questions about your biological mom one day. I don't know why things happened the way they did, and I can't answer that because I wasn't there and I don't know her. But I will say this - sometimes, some people know the best thing they can do for their children is to have someone else be their parent. It doesn't mean you are not a good kid or that you are not loved - it means that you are so special that you deserve parents who can take care of you. I can only guess that she must have known that Daddy and I were the best parents to do that.
Our family will probably change as the two of you get older. Daddy and I would like to have a baby in a few years, but I hope you understand that it doesn't mean I will love you any less. If anything, I will love you more because you've taught me how to be a mom. I have the two of you to thank for that. And I wouldn't change any of it for the world.
I love you both,
Mom
"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart - but in it." - Fleur Conkling Heylinger
This is the sixth Mother's Day we've now shared together, and I hope you know how each year, you make it more special for me. I know as you get older, you'll probably have some more questions about our family and about you and me. I feel like today is a good day for me to explain why the special things you and Daddy do for me on Mother's Day mean so much, so that maybe when you are older, you'll understand better.
See, I don't know what you looked like when you were born. I mean, I DO, but not from memory, just from pictures I've seen. I don't remember the feeling of you kicking inside me that everyone says is pretty cool, but I have no first hand knowledge of. I can't tell you what your first word was, or when you took your first step. I don't know when you got your first tooth, and I don't remember your first cry. I don't know any of these things because when I met you, you were two towheaded toddlers.
And I didn't have a clue about parenting. I was terrified, actually. I didn't do much babysitting growing up, and I didn't have any siblings, so I didn't know what I was doing. I'm pretty sure I had only changed a diaper twice in my life before I met you. I'd never really been responsible for anyone other than myself before, so I didn't really know what to do, and I made a lot of mistakes. See, when people have babies the "traditional" way, they at least get nine months to prepare. There's also lots of books on how to be a good parent that you usually get time to read before you become a parent. But with you two, I didn't get any prep time. So as Daddy and I were trying to work our way into our relationship, you girls needed a mom pronto, so I had to learn along the way. Actually, I'm still learning!
But yes, I can't tell you any of those things you did before I met you. I haven't a clue what you were like as babies. But I do remember the look of pride on your face as you graduated from Pre-K. I remember the first time you called me Mom. I remember how much I cried after I put you on the bus to Kindergarten. I remember when you lost your first tooth and how terrified I was that you'd see me sneaking into your room to play Tooth Fairy. I remember you telling me "I'm OK, Mom! Bye!" when I dropped you off at your new class. I can sing every Disney Channel theme song from the past five years. I took you on your first plane ride and remember how you beamed with excitement when you got your pilot wings. I remember holding you as you cried the first time a friend broke your heart and trying to keep my own tears at bay. All of these things I remember, and I carry with me in my heart, because you are important to me. I didn't have to give birth to you to care about you and to remember all of the little milestones of your life.
I hope when you are older, you will know how much I cried from joy and relief the day the judge said I could adopt you. It was one of the best days of my life. See, I think there is something special about being chosen. I may not have given birth to you, but I have chosen to be your mom. Because I want to, because I love you. You are so special that God led me right to you. That is something to truly cherish, especially when you have doubts about me or us or our family.
I know you will have questions about your biological mom one day. I don't know why things happened the way they did, and I can't answer that because I wasn't there and I don't know her. But I will say this - sometimes, some people know the best thing they can do for their children is to have someone else be their parent. It doesn't mean you are not a good kid or that you are not loved - it means that you are so special that you deserve parents who can take care of you. I can only guess that she must have known that Daddy and I were the best parents to do that.
Our family will probably change as the two of you get older. Daddy and I would like to have a baby in a few years, but I hope you understand that it doesn't mean I will love you any less. If anything, I will love you more because you've taught me how to be a mom. I have the two of you to thank for that. And I wouldn't change any of it for the world.
I love you both,
Mom
"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart - but in it." - Fleur Conkling Heylinger
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Didn't survive the holidays? Tips for next year!
I think it goes without saying that getting through the holidays as a Step/Mom can be one of the most draining, dramatic facts of steplife you'll ever encounter. Most of the time, getting through the holidays (and endless custody exchanges) is enough to send any sensible woman running and screaming....at least to the nearest bottle of wine. How do you fit in time with the kids and your families while also making sure everyone is supposed to be when they're supposed to be there? Will the bio-mom follow the custody order, or will she make a last-minute attempt to change the game plan? Can you and your husband or significant other make it through the holidays without killing each other? These are all important, valid questions in steplife.
The first step - as with almost any step-situation - is to ensure you have a workable custody order that is painfully specific. So many times, attorneys and/or judges will throw in vague language such as "The father is entitled to reasonable holiday visitation." What is reasonable? Who defines it? I can almost guarantee that most people get divorced or break up because neither one can agree on what is reasonable in any situation. Why then would you assume that you can both agree on reasonable after a divorce?
I'll give Ashley and Oldest Belle's bio-mom credit where credit is due. They have a pretty solidly defined and reasonable custody order when it come to holiday visitation. The issue has always been getting Oldest Belle's bio-mom to actually follow the custody order, but bless her heart, she tries. That's what I tell myself in my finer Christian woman moments at least. But, the idea for the parents to "swap" holidays every year is a pretty good one in my opinion. Basically one parent gets Christmas, for example, with the child every even year, and the other parent gets the child on the odd years. This plan ensures no day of the holiday custody exchanges. This is good for two reasons - everyone gets to enjoy the full holiday without being in a car all day, and you don't have to see your ex (or your husband's ex) on a holiday. You have to see the goodness in the little things, right?
The second step is to stick to the plan. I will admit that in some step-situations, both sets of parents (the bio-parents and their spouses or partners) get along wonderfully and can easily deviate from the custody plan without too much commotion. However, if you are in a step-situation where one party does not want to work with the other or takes advantage of the situation (e.g. always asking to change the schedule but never agreeing to changes the other party proposes), it is simply best to stick to the plan. You may think you're being reasonable and you're showing the child or children involved that Mom and Dad can work together. Well, that's good in theory. But, in practice, it's not always the best approach. I am a huge believer in boundaries. Boundaries are so critical in any step-situation (I promise this is a topic you will get sick of me discussing, but it's because it is so very important). The court order is there for a reason - follow it! It serves everyone's best interests because it ensures the child or children involved are getting the time they deserve with both of their parents. When you deviate from the plan, it opens the door for more deviation in the future, usually on an increasingly larger scale. At what point do you say no? Don't let yourself get into that situation - say no from the beginning, and you'll never have to worry about your good nature being taken advantage of.
It really can be a peaceful and happy holiday season. You just have to plan in advance. And if plans still fall apart......well, in my opinion, there's nothing a nice bottle of Moscato can't fix.
The first step - as with almost any step-situation - is to ensure you have a workable custody order that is painfully specific. So many times, attorneys and/or judges will throw in vague language such as "The father is entitled to reasonable holiday visitation." What is reasonable? Who defines it? I can almost guarantee that most people get divorced or break up because neither one can agree on what is reasonable in any situation. Why then would you assume that you can both agree on reasonable after a divorce?
I'll give Ashley and Oldest Belle's bio-mom credit where credit is due. They have a pretty solidly defined and reasonable custody order when it come to holiday visitation. The issue has always been getting Oldest Belle's bio-mom to actually follow the custody order, but bless her heart, she tries. That's what I tell myself in my finer Christian woman moments at least. But, the idea for the parents to "swap" holidays every year is a pretty good one in my opinion. Basically one parent gets Christmas, for example, with the child every even year, and the other parent gets the child on the odd years. This plan ensures no day of the holiday custody exchanges. This is good for two reasons - everyone gets to enjoy the full holiday without being in a car all day, and you don't have to see your ex (or your husband's ex) on a holiday. You have to see the goodness in the little things, right?
The second step is to stick to the plan. I will admit that in some step-situations, both sets of parents (the bio-parents and their spouses or partners) get along wonderfully and can easily deviate from the custody plan without too much commotion. However, if you are in a step-situation where one party does not want to work with the other or takes advantage of the situation (e.g. always asking to change the schedule but never agreeing to changes the other party proposes), it is simply best to stick to the plan. You may think you're being reasonable and you're showing the child or children involved that Mom and Dad can work together. Well, that's good in theory. But, in practice, it's not always the best approach. I am a huge believer in boundaries. Boundaries are so critical in any step-situation (I promise this is a topic you will get sick of me discussing, but it's because it is so very important). The court order is there for a reason - follow it! It serves everyone's best interests because it ensures the child or children involved are getting the time they deserve with both of their parents. When you deviate from the plan, it opens the door for more deviation in the future, usually on an increasingly larger scale. At what point do you say no? Don't let yourself get into that situation - say no from the beginning, and you'll never have to worry about your good nature being taken advantage of.
It really can be a peaceful and happy holiday season. You just have to plan in advance. And if plans still fall apart......well, in my opinion, there's nothing a nice bottle of Moscato can't fix.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Friends? Frienemies? The never-ending "How do I deal with that woman?" saga.
So, just so we're clear here, I've never had to do this dance with the younger belles' bio-mom as she was MIA way before I came along. You know...the dance where you're not quite sure what your status is with the bio-mom of your stepkidlets. This gets even more complicated when you're still dating and not "officially" a step/mother yet.
When I began dating my dear Ashley over 4 and a half years ago (yes, it really has been that long!), I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed about the whole "other mother" scenario. I was a stepdaughter briefly during my childhood, but this was my first time on the other side of the fence, so to speak. I hadn't read any books yet, hadn't found any support groups, didn't have any friends who were step/mothers - I was just head over heels for this guy who happened to have 3 kids already. Oldest belle's bio-mom and my Ashley had broken up over 10 years before I came along, so I assumed the whole custody arrangement was a well-oiled machine by the time he and I started dating.
Well, you know what they say about assuming.......
The first time I met her bio-mom (we'll call her BM for short), I don't remember there being any grand introduction or her saying...well, anything to me really. Which would turn out to be par for the course for the years to come. But even after that first meeting, I didn't give too much thought to her until our relationship grew serious.
I have the benefit of years of removal from the situation, general wisdom I've gathered along the way and enough moral backbone to be able to laugh now about "the BM years" as I've dubbed them. But there were plenty of times during those years when I was assuredly not laughing about any of it. Now? I pretty much just roll my eyes and giggle. But it took a lot to get to that point of peace in my life.
Throughout the years, I've seen step/mom after step/mom pull her hair out and fret over what to do about the bio-mom (or bio-moms in some of our cases). I find this is a monumental difference between stepmothers and stepfathers. Men simply don't let stuff like this get to them. And when they do, they normally just beat each other up and then get over it. Women sit there and worry about, "Should I reach out to her?" "Do you think I should try to be friends with her?" and so on.
First of all, let me just say I hate the terms "co-wives" and "co-mamas." First of all, the only "co-wives" I know of are the Sister Wives. Great show, but not a realistic approach to getting along with the bio-mom. I'm not sharing my husband with you; this marriage has plenty enough people in it with the two of us. No need for you to get involved, dear bio-mom. While I think the "co-mama" approach is a noble one, let's face it - how many bio-moms wholeheartedly embrace the "co-mama" approach? Yeah, that's what I thought. It's a good theory, but in practice? Unless the stepmom is OK with being a doormat, it usually doesn't work very well.
So, back to Year 1. I didn't want to be friends with the woman, but considering I was planning on marrying her daughter's father and I was caring for her child every other weekend, every summer and every other holiday, I felt it was a pretty reasonable expectation that we could at least be friendly and civil with each other. I really cared for Oldest Belle and willingly spent time and money on her. I didn't want to be her mom, but I did want to be a good, nurturing role model that she could feel comfortable around. Oldest Belle and I also got along pretty well, so I thought it wasn't too much to hope that BM and I could get along for her sake. Right?
Well, let's just say BM did not take too kindly toward another woman being in the picture. She was thoroughly enjoying being Main Mama in the parenting triangle she had set up between herself, her husband and Ashley, and there was no room for one more. There weren't many times that she was outright rude toward me (although the times she was were quite memorable); her MO was to just outright ignore me. The attempts I did make toward being friendly were completely ignored, so finally I just shrugged my shoulders and blew it off.
I know many women think it's best for the kids to be friends with the bio-mom. I think if you can genuinely achieve that, then that's wonderful. Unfortunately, that tends to almost never be the case. Many times women think if they follow along with what the bio-mom wants, such as shared family dinners (sometimes without the stepmom!) and other attempts at creating a "one big happy family," then the bio-mom will eventually accept her. Again, this normally causes more problems than solutions.
There's nothing wrong with being civil. By all means do I not condone snarky comments in front of the stepkids or acting like a crazy banshee toward the bio-mom. The cold hard truth is you will have to deal with her until your stepkids are 18. But - do not be surprised if she views you as Public Enemy #1. This does not mean you are not a good person or a good stepparent. I had given BM no reason to dislike me. I perhaps didn't care for her personally, nor would she have been a person I would have chosen to associate with, but I tried to see the good in her and I always gave her the respect I felt she was due because she was Oldest Belle's mother. I also made sure to never speak ill of her in front of Oldest Belle, and I even would correct Oldest Belle when she would begin to badmouth BM in front of me. No disrespecting mamas in my house!
Essentially, I refused to bring myself to her level. If she wanted to ignore me, fine - I wasn't going to force her to acknowledge me. But, I also demanded respect for myself. I didn't tolerate her bashing me or Ashley in my presence. I didn't stay away from exchanges or from Oldest Belle's events because I thought it might make BM uncomfortable. I was always very pleasant with her husband, because he was always very pleasant with me.
As stepkids grow older, they often see everyone's true colors (that's my hope at least!). Oftentimes if the bio-mom starts out not accepting you and your very valid role in her child's life, she likely never will. That doesn't mean you have to treat yourself like a second-class citizen. Being the bigger person can be difficult - trust me, I would know! - but often with a bio-mom like that, she wants to see that she's getting to you. Just don't let her. Once I stopped caring about what BM thought of me, it transformed my view of myself as a stepparent and my relationship with Ashley for the better.
Sometimes, you can't rely on finding peace in other people - you have to create it for yourself.
When I began dating my dear Ashley over 4 and a half years ago (yes, it really has been that long!), I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed about the whole "other mother" scenario. I was a stepdaughter briefly during my childhood, but this was my first time on the other side of the fence, so to speak. I hadn't read any books yet, hadn't found any support groups, didn't have any friends who were step/mothers - I was just head over heels for this guy who happened to have 3 kids already. Oldest belle's bio-mom and my Ashley had broken up over 10 years before I came along, so I assumed the whole custody arrangement was a well-oiled machine by the time he and I started dating.
Well, you know what they say about assuming.......
The first time I met her bio-mom (we'll call her BM for short), I don't remember there being any grand introduction or her saying...well, anything to me really. Which would turn out to be par for the course for the years to come. But even after that first meeting, I didn't give too much thought to her until our relationship grew serious.
I have the benefit of years of removal from the situation, general wisdom I've gathered along the way and enough moral backbone to be able to laugh now about "the BM years" as I've dubbed them. But there were plenty of times during those years when I was assuredly not laughing about any of it. Now? I pretty much just roll my eyes and giggle. But it took a lot to get to that point of peace in my life.
Throughout the years, I've seen step/mom after step/mom pull her hair out and fret over what to do about the bio-mom (or bio-moms in some of our cases). I find this is a monumental difference between stepmothers and stepfathers. Men simply don't let stuff like this get to them. And when they do, they normally just beat each other up and then get over it. Women sit there and worry about, "Should I reach out to her?" "Do you think I should try to be friends with her?" and so on.
First of all, let me just say I hate the terms "co-wives" and "co-mamas." First of all, the only "co-wives" I know of are the Sister Wives. Great show, but not a realistic approach to getting along with the bio-mom. I'm not sharing my husband with you; this marriage has plenty enough people in it with the two of us. No need for you to get involved, dear bio-mom. While I think the "co-mama" approach is a noble one, let's face it - how many bio-moms wholeheartedly embrace the "co-mama" approach? Yeah, that's what I thought. It's a good theory, but in practice? Unless the stepmom is OK with being a doormat, it usually doesn't work very well.
So, back to Year 1. I didn't want to be friends with the woman, but considering I was planning on marrying her daughter's father and I was caring for her child every other weekend, every summer and every other holiday, I felt it was a pretty reasonable expectation that we could at least be friendly and civil with each other. I really cared for Oldest Belle and willingly spent time and money on her. I didn't want to be her mom, but I did want to be a good, nurturing role model that she could feel comfortable around. Oldest Belle and I also got along pretty well, so I thought it wasn't too much to hope that BM and I could get along for her sake. Right?
Well, let's just say BM did not take too kindly toward another woman being in the picture. She was thoroughly enjoying being Main Mama in the parenting triangle she had set up between herself, her husband and Ashley, and there was no room for one more. There weren't many times that she was outright rude toward me (although the times she was were quite memorable); her MO was to just outright ignore me. The attempts I did make toward being friendly were completely ignored, so finally I just shrugged my shoulders and blew it off.
I know many women think it's best for the kids to be friends with the bio-mom. I think if you can genuinely achieve that, then that's wonderful. Unfortunately, that tends to almost never be the case. Many times women think if they follow along with what the bio-mom wants, such as shared family dinners (sometimes without the stepmom!) and other attempts at creating a "one big happy family," then the bio-mom will eventually accept her. Again, this normally causes more problems than solutions.
There's nothing wrong with being civil. By all means do I not condone snarky comments in front of the stepkids or acting like a crazy banshee toward the bio-mom. The cold hard truth is you will have to deal with her until your stepkids are 18. But - do not be surprised if she views you as Public Enemy #1. This does not mean you are not a good person or a good stepparent. I had given BM no reason to dislike me. I perhaps didn't care for her personally, nor would she have been a person I would have chosen to associate with, but I tried to see the good in her and I always gave her the respect I felt she was due because she was Oldest Belle's mother. I also made sure to never speak ill of her in front of Oldest Belle, and I even would correct Oldest Belle when she would begin to badmouth BM in front of me. No disrespecting mamas in my house!
Essentially, I refused to bring myself to her level. If she wanted to ignore me, fine - I wasn't going to force her to acknowledge me. But, I also demanded respect for myself. I didn't tolerate her bashing me or Ashley in my presence. I didn't stay away from exchanges or from Oldest Belle's events because I thought it might make BM uncomfortable. I was always very pleasant with her husband, because he was always very pleasant with me.
As stepkids grow older, they often see everyone's true colors (that's my hope at least!). Oftentimes if the bio-mom starts out not accepting you and your very valid role in her child's life, she likely never will. That doesn't mean you have to treat yourself like a second-class citizen. Being the bigger person can be difficult - trust me, I would know! - but often with a bio-mom like that, she wants to see that she's getting to you. Just don't let her. Once I stopped caring about what BM thought of me, it transformed my view of myself as a stepparent and my relationship with Ashley for the better.
Sometimes, you can't rely on finding peace in other people - you have to create it for yourself.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
New school year = New teachers to confuse
Ahh, a new school year. It's one of the most joyous times of the year, right? New books to read from, new subjects to explore, new friends to make.......
And new teachers to terrorize.
See, when you're a Step/Mom, it's a bit more complicated than just signing the kids up for school. Even if you don't tell the teacher on Day 1, eventually, you have to explain. Or look like a Teen Mom extra. Explaining is preferable.
If it's a new school, they have to be provided with the All Important Court Order. When you're custodial like us, this brings in a whole new level of confusion, because the school will often scratch its collective head when they see the rarity - "A Dad with custody?" they ask. It's not that dads are incapable of being custodial parents, of course, but it's the simple fact that most courts still make Mom the Custodial/Domiciliary Parent.
So first you have to explain that yes, Dad really does have custody, and no, Mom does not have the right to call the school or come by the school. Yes, it's in the court order. No, it doesn't matter that she's still on the birth certificate.
Then, it needs to be clarified for the school and the teachers that while I am not technically Mom, I am called Mom, I look like a Mom, I act like a Mom, so therefore, it's just easiest to call me Mom. After all, a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, right? In fact, oh School and Teachers, I know way more about these little belles than bio-Mom ever could possibly comprehend. In fact, I am probably the person you want to become friends with since I have a knack for detail and documentation when it comes to these kiddos, so really, I am the person you want to get to know.
And yes, School, you do have to honor the Power of Attorney my husband has signed on my behalf, just like the doctors' offices and religious education offices have to.
In fact, did you know that custodial stepparents even have rights under FERPA?
"Accordingly, a stepparent has rights under FERPA where the stepparent is present on a day-to-day basis with the natural parent and child and the other parent is absent from that home. In such cases, stepparents have the same rights under FERPA as do natural parents."
- Letter to Parent re: Disclosure of Education Records to Stepparents
So I truly do apologize for the confusion, Mr. Principal and Mr. Teacher. I'm also very sorry if I tend to spout out case law and Department of Education policies in order to assure you of me and my husband's rights. I'm just a wee bit annoying like that.
But, look at it this way - you may have to deal with me, but I have to live it! So take heart: you could be a Step/Mom and be in a constant state of explanation. :)
And new teachers to terrorize.
See, when you're a Step/Mom, it's a bit more complicated than just signing the kids up for school. Even if you don't tell the teacher on Day 1, eventually, you have to explain. Or look like a Teen Mom extra. Explaining is preferable.
If it's a new school, they have to be provided with the All Important Court Order. When you're custodial like us, this brings in a whole new level of confusion, because the school will often scratch its collective head when they see the rarity - "A Dad with custody?" they ask. It's not that dads are incapable of being custodial parents, of course, but it's the simple fact that most courts still make Mom the Custodial/Domiciliary Parent.
So first you have to explain that yes, Dad really does have custody, and no, Mom does not have the right to call the school or come by the school. Yes, it's in the court order. No, it doesn't matter that she's still on the birth certificate.
Then, it needs to be clarified for the school and the teachers that while I am not technically Mom, I am called Mom, I look like a Mom, I act like a Mom, so therefore, it's just easiest to call me Mom. After all, a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, right? In fact, oh School and Teachers, I know way more about these little belles than bio-Mom ever could possibly comprehend. In fact, I am probably the person you want to become friends with since I have a knack for detail and documentation when it comes to these kiddos, so really, I am the person you want to get to know.
And yes, School, you do have to honor the Power of Attorney my husband has signed on my behalf, just like the doctors' offices and religious education offices have to.
In fact, did you know that custodial stepparents even have rights under FERPA?
"Accordingly, a stepparent has rights under FERPA where the stepparent is present on a day-to-day basis with the natural parent and child and the other parent is absent from that home. In such cases, stepparents have the same rights under FERPA as do natural parents."
- Letter to Parent re: Disclosure of Education Records to Stepparents
So I truly do apologize for the confusion, Mr. Principal and Mr. Teacher. I'm also very sorry if I tend to spout out case law and Department of Education policies in order to assure you of me and my husband's rights. I'm just a wee bit annoying like that.
But, look at it this way - you may have to deal with me, but I have to live it! So take heart: you could be a Step/Mom and be in a constant state of explanation. :)
Monday, June 27, 2011
Father's Day and the Ode to Stepfathers
Hello faithful Belles! I apologize that I've been MIA for a while; it has been a busy few weeks at Tara. But not to worry, I have plenty to report from the Step/Mom Twilight Zone.
You may recall in my last post how I lamented my experience of walking through the store aisles to find nary a stepmother card for Mother's Day. So you might imagine my surprise to find myself in the card aisles a few weeks before Father's Day to find not one Father's Day card for stepfathers, but an assortment of cards. And not just an assortment of cards but an entire popped-out subsection for stepfathers.
I almost had a fainting spell right there on aisle 16 of Wal-Mart.
Let me again reemphasize that I have no issue with people praising the virtues and hard work of stepfathers. My own Ashley was once a stepfather, and I know he did a phenomenal job as one. Yes, stepparents should be honored for their contributions to children's lives.
So WHY can't the same be done for stepmothers?
To make matters worse, my Facebook newsfeed read like a feminist, anti-dad rant on Father's Day. Deadbeat dads blah blah blah, happy father's day to all the REAL daddies, blah blah blah........do you ever see any of this on Mother's Day? I'll answer that for you....no. On Mother's Day, it is a love fest over the beauties of motherhood, the sacred womb that bore you into this world and the never ending sacrifices these tireless women make.
Of course I'm not anti-mom. There are many wonderful, amazing mothers who do an outstanding job as a parent. I agree that motherhood is an extremely challenging undertaking for any woman.
But, there are many not-so-great mothers out there. There are women who abuse drugs, who abuse their children, who walk out one day and never come back. There are women who are so filled with hate toward their children's fathers that they do everything in their power to destroy that sacred bond between the children and their father, a scary phenomenon called parental alienation that I will go into further detail about in another post.
But you rarely, if ever, hear about these mothers on Mother's Day. All you hear is the good. So why do we not do the same on Father's Day? And more importantly, is the whole praise and worship of stepfathers on Father's Day because we are truly honoring these men who sacrifice all for children who are not their own, or are we praising these stepfathers because it is a sneaky way to lift up these mother's current partners while spewing hate at these children's fathers?
You may recall in my last post how I lamented my experience of walking through the store aisles to find nary a stepmother card for Mother's Day. So you might imagine my surprise to find myself in the card aisles a few weeks before Father's Day to find not one Father's Day card for stepfathers, but an assortment of cards. And not just an assortment of cards but an entire popped-out subsection for stepfathers.
I almost had a fainting spell right there on aisle 16 of Wal-Mart.
Let me again reemphasize that I have no issue with people praising the virtues and hard work of stepfathers. My own Ashley was once a stepfather, and I know he did a phenomenal job as one. Yes, stepparents should be honored for their contributions to children's lives.
So WHY can't the same be done for stepmothers?
To make matters worse, my Facebook newsfeed read like a feminist, anti-dad rant on Father's Day. Deadbeat dads blah blah blah, happy father's day to all the REAL daddies, blah blah blah........do you ever see any of this on Mother's Day? I'll answer that for you....no. On Mother's Day, it is a love fest over the beauties of motherhood, the sacred womb that bore you into this world and the never ending sacrifices these tireless women make.
Of course I'm not anti-mom. There are many wonderful, amazing mothers who do an outstanding job as a parent. I agree that motherhood is an extremely challenging undertaking for any woman.
But, there are many not-so-great mothers out there. There are women who abuse drugs, who abuse their children, who walk out one day and never come back. There are women who are so filled with hate toward their children's fathers that they do everything in their power to destroy that sacred bond between the children and their father, a scary phenomenon called parental alienation that I will go into further detail about in another post.
But you rarely, if ever, hear about these mothers on Mother's Day. All you hear is the good. So why do we not do the same on Father's Day? And more importantly, is the whole praise and worship of stepfathers on Father's Day because we are truly honoring these men who sacrifice all for children who are not their own, or are we praising these stepfathers because it is a sneaky way to lift up these mother's current partners while spewing hate at these children's fathers?
Sunday, May 8, 2011
It's that time of year again.....Mother's Day!
What's a Step/Mom to do on a day like today? The two simple words "Mother's Day" strikes fear in the hearts of women around the world as they anxiously wonder, "Do I count? Will my husband/significant other honor my sacrifices to his kids today? Will my stepkids acknowledge my existence? Will I be reduced to a puddle of tears?"
Let me first say most stepmoms don't want to rain on the Mommy Parade on Mother's Day. They're OK with their stepkids acknowledging their birth moms today (unless the birth mom is completely AWOL like my younger belles'). It's just in a world where you're hardly acknowledged to begin with, SOMETHING, even just a card, is nice.
My Ashley has always been good about Mother's Day. I am thankful for that. I can honestly say that since I became a Step/Mom, I've never gone without acknowledgement from him or the younger belles. I would be immensely hurt if I ever did go without acknowledgement, and this is why:
Being a Step/Mom is literally one of the hardest, most thankless jobs a woman could ever encounter. I have no biological experience to compare it to yet, but I'd wager to say it's even harder than being a birth mom. Why? When you give birth to a child, you have roughly 9 months to prepare. You have the biological connection between you and that child that sustains you and keeps you from eating them alive when they tell you they hate you or they write in permanent marker all over their door. You have the benefit of remembering when they were a cuddly baby and when they spoke their first words.
When you're a Step/Mom, it's a choice - on both sides - not a biological connection to love. It means choosing to love a child even when they are acting every inch like their birth mom despite everything you've taught them to the contrary. It means holding onto your tears until you're in your bubble bath when a child says "Thank you, Daddy!" ten times for presents you helped to pick out and pay for and doesn't acknowledge you until prompted. It means biting your tongue and choosing to love a child when they look at you with spite and say, "I don't respect you!" or "You're not my stepmom!" or "You're mean! I hate you!" - all of which I've heard before.
It's easy to feel like an Impostor Mom when you hear people say things about "real moms" or you go to Walgreen's and there's Mother's Day cards for moms, wives, aunts, grandmothers, godmothers, sisters, mothers-in-law, daughters-in-law.....but not one for a stepmom. I've been on homework duty, I've cradled a sick child, I've cooked and cleaned and wiped away tears...I deserve some kind of recognition, right?
I know so many women who sacrifice blood, sweat and tears for another woman's child or children. They do all of this for little to no recognition. So to you ladies, I say, Happy Mother's Day. You deserve to hear it, even if you hear it from no one else but me today.
Let me first say most stepmoms don't want to rain on the Mommy Parade on Mother's Day. They're OK with their stepkids acknowledging their birth moms today (unless the birth mom is completely AWOL like my younger belles'). It's just in a world where you're hardly acknowledged to begin with, SOMETHING, even just a card, is nice.
My Ashley has always been good about Mother's Day. I am thankful for that. I can honestly say that since I became a Step/Mom, I've never gone without acknowledgement from him or the younger belles. I would be immensely hurt if I ever did go without acknowledgement, and this is why:
Being a Step/Mom is literally one of the hardest, most thankless jobs a woman could ever encounter. I have no biological experience to compare it to yet, but I'd wager to say it's even harder than being a birth mom. Why? When you give birth to a child, you have roughly 9 months to prepare. You have the biological connection between you and that child that sustains you and keeps you from eating them alive when they tell you they hate you or they write in permanent marker all over their door. You have the benefit of remembering when they were a cuddly baby and when they spoke their first words.
When you're a Step/Mom, it's a choice - on both sides - not a biological connection to love. It means choosing to love a child even when they are acting every inch like their birth mom despite everything you've taught them to the contrary. It means holding onto your tears until you're in your bubble bath when a child says "Thank you, Daddy!" ten times for presents you helped to pick out and pay for and doesn't acknowledge you until prompted. It means biting your tongue and choosing to love a child when they look at you with spite and say, "I don't respect you!" or "You're not my stepmom!" or "You're mean! I hate you!" - all of which I've heard before.
It's easy to feel like an Impostor Mom when you hear people say things about "real moms" or you go to Walgreen's and there's Mother's Day cards for moms, wives, aunts, grandmothers, godmothers, sisters, mothers-in-law, daughters-in-law.....but not one for a stepmom. I've been on homework duty, I've cradled a sick child, I've cooked and cleaned and wiped away tears...I deserve some kind of recognition, right?
I know so many women who sacrifice blood, sweat and tears for another woman's child or children. They do all of this for little to no recognition. So to you ladies, I say, Happy Mother's Day. You deserve to hear it, even if you hear it from no one else but me today.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)