Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Can it really be over?

Becca is 18 now.

Hold on, I'll let that really sink in for you.

Becca is an adult now. 18 years old. Legally the age of majority.

It is a surreal feeling. There is no active court order anymore. Ashley's days of paying child support are done. That (literally) Bible-sized file sitting in that horrid Family Courthouse is nothing more than documentation of 15 years of hell now. Becca's mom will actually have to terrorize her husband now instead of mine.

Heck, Becca's mom may actually have to get a job now since she can't live off my husband anymore. Imagine that!

Some old-timer Step/Moms will tell you it's never really over, that it never really ends. There are weddings, grandchildren, etc. that mean the bio-mom will always be there, lurking, trying to cause trouble.

I don't really believe that. I mean, I see the point. Evil never stops just being evil. But to not have to live through constant court sessions, threats of (more) false accusations, just hearing the shrill shrieking on the other end of the line anymore?

Hey, I'll take what I can get. Because if you take away court, you take away most of the power.

What's saddest to me is that 18 was no magic salve (at least yet), no truth serum for Becca to realize Dad and I are not evil people, that we're good people in fact who have continued to love her despite her mom's repeated and relentless attacks on what should be and once was a very good father-daughter relationship and stepparent-stepchild relationship.

This, simply put, is not how I envisioned we would spend her high school years. I still think of her as the young teenager she was when I last saw her. It does hurt when I realize just how much we've missed - Ashley, me, and her sisters.

If I could say anything to Becca now, it would be that I hope and pray she takes advantage of every opportunity that comes her way. To follow her dreams and not get sidetracked by boys, friends, and most importantly, what other people think. I would tell her that the sky really is the limit, and there's a whole big world outside her small town just dying to meet her, so she should take some time to travel and get to know herself.

And, I would tell her that there are two sides to every story, and it's time to hear ours.


  1. let me first start of by saying I have read every single post. I am 25 years old, I gave my life to Christ at the age of 21. Prayed for a husband in which God did bless me with a wonderful man but yet he had a daughter.(Sighing)At first things were okay. Her mom rarely came around even though there was already a court order in affect, she never followed it. She would come get her daughter whenever she felt like it and so on. Funny thing is I always prayed for someone who didn't have ANY kids because of situations like this and here I was in love with my husband. We married after only dating for about 2 months. We became pregnant within 3 months of our marriage. Once the bio-mom saw that things were serious with us she then began to come around and get her daughter on her days and caused so much drama. She is the type of woman that puts hanging out and having fun before her own responsibility. My husband was even doing his daughter hair! Smh But to make a long story short we ended up taking her mom back to court and we gain custodial custody of his daughter and now mom is on child support. I have never, NOT ONCE had a conversation with this woman, she wont even look me in my eyes. She has told her daughter things about my husband and I, spoke about us in a ill manner in front of her and has done/said a lot inappropriate things around her own daughter. Bio-mom does not take direct shots at us but does things so that her daughter will come back and say it to me and my husband. I deal with his daughters attitudes, dis respectfulness and MORE. But yet, I'm the one that does her hair make sure she has clothes, shoes, school attire, anything she needs because mom will not do it. His daughter is only 4 years old but if you seen her you wouldn't be able to tell. She tries to act older than her age. I have prayed about a lot of things and I thank God for granting us custody of her at this age because only God knows what I would have had to deal with if things stayed the same. Back tracking, when my husband and I got together I was ALL by myself, no kids, in nursing school (now finished and earned my RN)just me. Had no idea what to do with a child yet alone a child that had the MOM from HELL. lol But I did it and it has been almost 3 years now and here we are 3 kids later including my step daughter. I really have to ask God to continue to help me on this daily struggle. This situation has tried to have a choke hold on my marriage but can I say NO MORE! Even though I still deal with attitudes from my step daughter wanting to be more like her mom and wanting her mom and dad together, I literally have to pray my way through! Its tough! My step daughter sometimes becomes jealous, as if her dad is her man,its crazy! Now that I rarely have to deal with mom, now I'm getting it from my step daughter.As if the time her mom spends with her, shes using it up with coaching her on how to give ME a hard time. I am still a stay at home mom so she's with me unless she's in school. But she holds on to everything her mom says, her mom even told her that my first born, is her fake sister(!!!!) I was so upset! I am not by any means trying to replace her mom at all but I am a woman. Not only a woman but a MOTHER ( a real mother), a wife, and I love Christ with all my heart and I know he has kept in the mist of it all. This situation has and is bringing so much out me, I never thought I had. I was in prayer last week because I really don't have no one who truly understands what I go through on a daily bases. I thank God for putting on my heart to google, "encouraging step mothers", and I thank God your blog popped up! We have some similarities in this situation you have helped me understand a lot of things. I thank God I wish I could meet you in person. It feels good to be able to talk to someone who truly understands at heart!

    1. Hello Shannon, and welcome! I'm so glad you were led here and I hope my story and experiences can help you in some small way. I was (and still am I suppose!) a young Step/Mom myself, and I think it can be a harder road sometimes for us, especially when you're custodial. Oftentimes our friends are in more "traditional" relationships and can't relate to the issues we face. I know it can be hard, especially when a stepchild we have invested so much love, time and prayer in begins to turn on us, but don't forget what a blessing you are to her. You are the one who has been steady in her life, and sometimes it's easier to lash out at those we know love us unconditionally. No matter what, remember - your success in this life is self-measured. Don't rely on bio-mom's approval, stepdaughter's approval, or even your husband's approval sometimes. No one but those of us who are Step/Moms truly understand everything we put into this journey and sometimes even when they mean well, our husbands' words can wound because they can't relate. Just keep doing what you're doing - you are a great Step/Mom, and as long as you continue to pray and guide her, you know you're on the right path. Hugs to you!